moving on

Chapter 12

Raymond’s car left from view. With my heart in his hands, he drove off unknowing what value he made. He made me realize what it took to be strong. He made me realize that I had to be weak, and that was my right.
The door kept open still. Leaves brought by the wind blew in. the moonlight brought a blue beaming cold aura. The breeze pierced through my thick long jacket. It gnawed on my feet under the boots. It shattered my soul. I entered the house like a phantom; unhappy and longing.
I closed the door behind me and continued walking. The stairs was only a few steps away. I saw light escaping from Andrew’s room only broken by his shadow. He was there, sitting idly on top of the stairs with his hands akimbo. His eyes disturbed me with their silence. The bruises in his soul were visibly seen. I ignored them.
“where have you been?” he asked coldly. His eyes didn’t blink or move. His body remained still.
“you know where I’ve been.” I replied. I stood there staring up at him. I was at the foot of the stairs, untouched by his light.
“no I don’t. answer me!” he screamed while he stood up and took a step closer to me.
“I was home Andrew.” I responded. He took another step nearer to me.
“do you know how worried I’ve been?” his face turned awry. His voice shook with every tone.
“Andrew. I’m so sorry” I said. His foot took a step back. He was shocked. It seemed like he did not understand what I just said.
“what?” he asked with his hand resting at the handle attached to the stairs.
“I’m sorry Andrew.” I repeated. He kept his silence. He took another step back and walked into his room. he made no sound. He showed no sign of forgiveness. He ignored me at the point when I needed him to pay attention. I didn’t understand him at all. I decided to follow him into his room where I found him near the window. His room was now filled with drawings on sheets of paper stuck to the wall by cellulose tape. His back faced me while his entire body sat on a chair facing the window. His desk had several sheets of paper, a few colored pens and an unorganized stack of comics. The floor creaked when I tried to enter his room.
He turned his head slightly side to his side and said “I never thought you’d be so weak.”
“i didn’t expect it either.” I replied.
“how could you just leave me like that chels?” he asked. I saw his cheeks turn pink with hurt.
“Chelsea. Why did you bother coming back?” he said while standing up and turning around to face me. I opened my mouth to explain, but he shut me out.
“you always leave people hanging Chelsea. I thought we were in this together.” He said. I couldn’t open my mouth to speak. I couldn’t look into the eyes of a disappointed brother. I took a step closer to him.
“try to understand Andrew. Even warriors need a place to rest.” I explained. His head hung low and raised them back up to me. I saw his pale skin fill with more pink.
“I know I had hurt you. I had to Andrew. You just had to stop depending on me. You just had to grow up.” I continued. He showed me no sign that he understood me.
“you left because you were a coward!” he screamed. He shocked me with his intensity.
“you had to make excuses!” he went on. My eyebrows crunched together in confusion. I ran to him and tried to lock him. He was screaming in my embrace and crying and threw his fist. He wrestled me into his bed where we both fell. But I didn’t let him go.
“you left me Chelsea!” he kept screaming.
“I’m sorry Andrew!” I whispered loudly. He didn’t stop his tantrum until I said, “Andrew. I’m your sister. And I love you. we’re still in this together. You’re the only one I have.”
He stopped moving. I could only hear his sad, pathetic moan of despair. He kept sobbing in my arms. He was weakened with this touch I had never showed him. He felt like he was decreasing his strength. I felt his heart getting softer.
“Andrew… I’m sorry.” I kept repeating. He kept crying and moaning underneath the embrace. His breath washed away the cold, bitterness set on us by every rock we stumbled on. His hardened skin became softer and his tears fell into his bed. That was when I let him go.
He stared into my eyes. He blinked them a couple of times along with his deep breath. His face was sad and confused. His eyes became heavier and heavier. Soon enough, he fell into a deep slumber. He breathed slower and his calm, normal self surfaced again.

I sat on his bed facing away from the distorted image of my brother. The night went on like I silent ghost, unseen and undisturbed. I didn’t see the night pass me by. Andrew was sleeping silently while I sat awake.
I didn’t know right then and there what laid ahead of me. I knew everyone wouldn’t care about me coming back to school. But facing everyone as a renewed person might change everything. Just almost instantly, jairus’ memory passed through me. That was when I knew exactly what to do.
I went back to my room. I flipped open the trunk full of memories. Inside were jairus’ t-shirt, his favorite cd’s and our pictures. I got a black trash bag from the kitchen drawers and dumped them all inside. Including the candles from the surprise birthday he set up for me the year before.
I just realized that I wanted to move on. And holding on to these memories will only keep me trapped in the past. I needed to let him go desperately.
His face on the pictures brought many wonderful memories. They built a story I could not forget. But he was right. He did the right thing for me and for him. Dawn was bound to make him happy.

eleven

Chapter eleven

The road was long and it was soon getting dark. We were closer and closer to home. I wasn’t anxious. I was excited about school again and I wanted to see Andrew. I guess I just needed a fresh mind to re-think my thoughts.

He took a left when we reached the crossing about a town before mine. It had been 3 hours long. It was a far drive. And with every moment passing, I felt my heart jumping for joy.
“we’re almost there” he said coldly. His eyes were squinting within the darkness. He was tired from driving. I didn’t answer him. He kept driving on, without a sound until he saw a gas station. It was marked at the right side of the road. I could see its yellow and red lines from far away. He turned on his light signals and turned right.
He pulled in and put the gas nozzle into the gas tank and he went to the store across the car. I looked behind me and saw his bag on the back seat. It was a green bag. The texture was rough and itchy. I opened the inside thinking there might have been some cassette to play instead of the radio. But no luck, I closed his bag after finding only his clothes.
It took about a few minutes when the gas stopped flowing and he came back from the store. He opened a bag of chips and started binging on it. His eyes were red and they looked tired. He slid the bag under his arm as he opened a can of soda. He closed his eyes as I saw him gulp down. His adam’s apple moved up and down as he drank every drop. After drinking, he licked his lips and crushed the can while walking to me. He threw the can at a trash can near the car.
He slid money to the gas boy who checked the car engine as soon as he did. He opened the car and put on his cap. He got another soda and put it in my hand and opened it for me. The bag of chips was near the hand brake. The gas boy closed the cover for the engine and showed us the way out. Raymond turned on the car and put the bag of chips on the dashboard and sped away.
“I don’t know how to say this…” he started. he took a deep, subtle breath and continued, “ but I’m so sorry.”
A tear ran across his face. But he kept his face straight and solid. He was like ice; cold and hard but… tasteless.
“ray… there’s nothing to be sorry about” I responded.
“no there is. You’re right. Thanks for telling me the truth.” He said. He sniffed his nose as he kept driving until he came to a red light.
“I’m sorry too ray.” I started. I held his hand tightly as they gripped the clutch. “I never meant to hurt you. I just didn’t expect us to get this far. I just didn’t think you had to know. I wanted to be with you ray. It was just that… I didn’t know how to deal with a guy who always got what he wanted when I’m the same.” I continued. He became pale but continued being hard.
“did we go too fast?” He said as if it had just then became a fact. He didn’t notice my eyes getting wet with hurt.
“no ray… we just didn’t work out.” I tried to tell him. He stopped talking after that. I know what he did was wrong. But I was so attached to him now, there was just no way of setting him free. He had me at my worst, he just deserved my best.

When he turned right after a few blocks from the gas station, we came to the suburbia where I lived. My house was still about a few blocks away. The trees were wrestling against each other within the darkness of the night. He drove on and on.
“ray… thanks for everything” I said while putting my hand on his back and gave him a pat.
He and I soon saw the mailbox of my house where he stopped to park the car. The house seemed dark and desolate except for a light in andrew’s room.
“we’re here” he said sadly. The car stopped its humming and turned to me. I could not find the courage to step outside. He unlocked the doors and I heard my door make a huge click. My empty can of soda in my hand became warm but my hand was cold.
“I don’t think I’m ready” I said while looking at the light from andrew’s room. I looked at Raymond. He smiled at me like it was alright.
“I’m here for you all the way.” He said. He took my hand and held it tightly.
“let me walk you to your door.” He got off his chair and stepped outside the car. He got my bag from the back and opened the door for me. He laid out his hand for him to catch me.
“ray. I’m not sure I can do this.” I said. My hands were shivering cold. I guess he felt it. I didn’t let go.
“lets go Chelsea. Andrew’s waiting for you.” he said. I stepped out with one foot at a time. I closed the car door behind me.

He kept holding my hand as he and I walked towards the door. He walked slower for me this time. When we arrived at the porch where he dropped the bag, he kept silent and let go of my hand. He stood there.
“this is it Chelsea.” He said. He knocked on the door three times. Nobody seemed to hear us from inside. He knocked again. still nobody heard us. I was so annoyed at either he was pretending to be blind or he wanted to prolong the agony of the chilly weather. I pointed to him the buzzer which was at the right side of the door. He pressed it for a few seconds until the lights came on. Somebody opened the door and I found Andrew.

“Andrew.” I called. He looked at me as if nothing happened.
“chelsea” he called back. He opened the door wider without any embrace. It seemed as though I wasn’t gone. My mind went. ”hey! I was gone you know!” but he was blank.
“Raymond.” He called. Raymond stared at me with a look of concern. He seemed to notice that nothing changed. We were both disturbed by the unwelcomed coldness between me and Andrew.
“Andrew. I’ve been gone. Is this the welcome home I get?” I asked. his eyebrow raised.
“are you getting inside or not?” he asked. I bent over to get the bag of clothes and Raymond stepped away.
“maybe I’ll catch up inside Andrew.” I said. He left the door open. He disappeared from our view as Raymond stood behind me.
“ray… this is me. So… thank you for everything.” I said. He took a step close and hugged me.
“I’m going to miss this hug” I said. He smiled at me. His face was only three inches away from me. I felt his warm breath against mine. I saw his eyes twinkle within the stillness of darkness around us. I was weakened by his closeness.
“don’t try and kiss me ray.” I warned. He made a little laugh.
“I can’t make you do things you don’t want to.” He returned. I wanted him to.
“what if I wanted to?” I asked, “but I just can’t let you.” I said. He stopped holding me and stepped away. He turned away from me and went to his car. The road lights went on and so did his car. He drove away that night bringing more than just a memory. And I thought for a moment, he would never bring with him a part of me.

A part of me left with Raymond that night. I could not understand why or how.

fight... fight... fight...

Chapter 10

There came a knock that Sunday morning. It was loud enough to bring me to my feet. It was half past 9. I noticed the sound of hissing from the kitchen and it came along with the familiar smell of bacon and eggs. The knock became persistent.
“I’m coming!” I screamed. The knocking stopped. The huge wooden door stood in front of me as I twisted the doorknob open.
It came to my attention that Megan was at the front porch. She wasn’t with her child or Anthony. She was wearing a paint covered overhauls and her hair was freed. Her eyes were as determined as ever. Her hands were full. Both small fragile hands were holding a pie. The waft of fresh baked goodness carried by the wind made it obvious for it to be pumpkin. it was my favorite.
“hey… I heard you were heading back to town.” She said in a hillbilly-ish voice.
“so I baked you a pie. It’s pumpkin… your favorite.” She said, handing over the huge tasty treat.
“thank you” I said while sniffing the sweet aroma.
“would you like to come in for brunch?” I invited. She smiled but hesitated.
“it’s my last day here. I insist” I said. I opened the door wider and lead the way. She looked behind her with some hesitation as the wind blew past her.
“alright then.” She agreed. She shut the door behind her and followed me into the kitchen where Raymond was chopping a few spring onions.
“ray. Meg is here” I said without half a brain what that meant. Raymond raised his head to see if it was true. They both met each other’s eyes and avoided awkwardly. Meg sat near the counter while ray was minding his own business; cooking.
“I’m going to leave you two alone now. I need to get my stuff upstairs.” I said to break the silence. I left the room and went upstairs. I shot through the door and grabbed my bags and stuffed them with my clothes as fast as I could.
As soon as I was done, I sat down on the bed. It was time for me to leave this house again. I took a deep breath and tried to take in the nostalgic scent of pine and oak wood. I remembered a lot with the place.
I took in another deep breath, slowly almost tasting the days when my grandmother was still alive. I was almost 9 years old again. I could almost feel her warm, wrinkled arms around my lanky, misshapen, bruised body. I opened my eyes and saw nothing but the light against the cabinet.

I was going to leave again.

Step by step, I went down the stair case. I memorized every creak and squeak of the floor boards. The mahogany steps visibly showing the nails my grandfather hammered down before. I was closer to the end of the staircase with a bag in each hand.
“I’m packed” I said to Raymond while he was munching on some raw carrots.
“just set them on the counter.” He said while turning to the pans and tending to whatever he was making.
“here… I’ll take them” meg said. She bent over and grabbed one of them until Raymond rushed over to steal them from her.
They stared at each other, struggling over the bag. Shots of fire escaped from each other’s eye.
“never mind… I can manage” I said and took the bag away from both of them. I went to the truck and dropped my bag like a hot potato and ran back inside; afraid that those two might fight. Upon reaching the door of the kitchen, I heard them talk.
“talk to me Raymond” said meg. Her hillbilly voice liked to come out especially when she seemed desperate.
“go back to the counter” he requested, “please”
“I won’t… until we talk about this” she said, taking her ground.
“I don’t want to!” he screamed. I listened intently with my ear against the door. I felt the heat of the moment. I heard Raymond’s breath against the air.
“meg. I know that’s my child.” He whispered.
“is that why your so worried?” she asked. he kept silent for a while.
“I love Chelsea.” He started. I heard a glass falling and breaking.
“I’ll pick that up” meg said. Her voice croaked and seemed shaky.
“for how long?” she asked. I heard someone sweeping the glass on the floor. I heard the pieces of glass jingle against each other.
“I always did. Haven’t you noticed?” he said. The sweeping stopped and meg stormed out of the room and stumbled into me.
“I… I have to go” she stammered. Her eyes were red and teary.
“meg wait!” screamed Raymond and tore after her.
“what is happening?” I protested. I charged after the two who were making quite a scene.
“meg wait!” he yelled again. meg stopped dead on her tracks and turned around. Dust surrounded her feet as the dusty road around her crumbled.
“what?” she yelled back.
“would you two just stop it!” I screamed. They both seemed to not hear me.
“for how long Raymond?” she whimpered. He took a deep breath and answered, “ever since she and I met. January 27.”
“why didn’t you tell me?” she cried. She knelt down on both knees and cried hysterically.
“I thought you knew!” he yelled. She kept crying and while she curled up on the ground, I came to her rescue and patted her back.
“stand up!” he screamed. Raymond was angry again.
“you stop pretending we were together!” he screamed at her and pointed at her. but she didn’t stop crying. She only wept louder.
He came near and grabbed hold of her chin. “you stop this. I never loved you. Who would love a whore like you?” he said. I didn’t like what he said about meg. I never saw Raymond this mad before.
“now wait just a minute here” I stood up. He seemed shocked.
“you have no right to call her that.” He came near meg and nearly kicked her when I pushed him and he fell back against the mailbox.
“you stay out of this Chelsea!” he dictated. I didn’t like it at all.
“you stop this instant Raymond or so help me God I will murder you!” I warned him. He backed down and went to the porch and sat down. His eyes were still glaring red as his eyebrows were still crashing against each other. He was dripping beads of sweat.
“are you alright meg?” I asked while helping her up. She shook off the dirt on her overhauls and nodded.
“meg. Let me take you home.” I said.
“I’d like that” she replied and smiled. I turned to Raymond and said “stay there! You hear me?” to him like a dog. He seemed upset about it and went inside.

“what was that all about?” I asked. she shrugged and pretended to not know.
“meg… you have got to start telling me the truth” I begged. She held my hand tightly. She and I continued walking about half a mile.
“he loves you. How long did you know?” she asked. I didn’t know how to tell her about it.
“I always did. But I ignored it totally. I never thought of him as someone to love.” I lied. I didn’t forget about what happened between us when I ran away. And I didn’t forget that kiss. Those images popped into my mind.
“did anything happen between you and him?” she asked. her eyes peered into mine. She stopped walking and waited for my answer. Tears flowed against her pink cheeks. She seemed desperate. My answer was crucial. I had to either tell her yes and watch her break apart or no so I’d be the one getting hurt instead of her. and if I did tell her yes, she’d get hurt and hopefully move on.
“no” I lied. It was the worst feeling in the world. It was like a cold iron hook pulled my heart into my gut. She smiled happily as if it was something to celebrate. But I didn’t enjoy it. I gave back a fake smile and walked on.
“I know he’ll love me soon” she said. She sounded like a desperate woman. “it’s just a matter of time.”
“here’s your house. Is Anthony home?” I asked. she shook her head. She looked away from the door. The flowers were in bloom but like meg, they were only what was visible. Meg was exactly like her garden. She was awfully pretty. But time has made the best of her so soon. She was trodden on by people she allowed.
“where is he?” I asked again.
“he’s with his wife” she said. Her voice was back to its old, hillbilly self.
“my God…” I said. She didn’t look at me for a while.
“yeah… my God too.” She replied. Her arms crossed. Now I understood everything. But I just couldn’t alleviate the situation. It was no longer a part of my control.
“do you need me to stay?” I asked. she was holding her arms and said no.
“I think it’s best you went home” she said. She closed the white wooden gate in front of me. She turned around to face me, ”thank you Chelsea… for whatever you did”

She went back inside her house. Her walk became slow and uninspired. Megan lost her bubbly aura, the one I used to recognize.
I walked back home. It wasn’t really as far as I thought it would be. Her house was just around the lake. It could be seen from mine. While walking, I saw the old tire swing she and I used to play with. Her childish laughter floated around. Her whispers were still vivid. the same wind brushed my hair. But time has changed the both of us. She became someone I didn’t know any more.
The tree where the tire was tied to was huge and had pink leaves. I don’t know what the name of the tree was. It was bigger before. Now, the tree just seemed thrice my height. The sun blazed madly. It was as hot as an oven. But I loved how hot it was especially near the lake. The breeze liked to struggle with the heat from the sun. I could see Raymond from where I was standing. I could see him but only as a speck. His blue shirt was the only thing clear to me. My eyes blurred. I could not make up his face clearly.
I heard the birds chirping around me. Just as soon as I stopped looking at the birds that floated on top of me, I saw Raymond stand up and went straight to his car. It made a huge thump and he started the engine. It hummed a bit and turned off. He turned it on again and it finally kept running. As I drew closer and closer to his car, it became louder and louder.
“Chelsea!” he called, “get in the car! We need to go! ” he said trying to make me hurry. I jogged slowly to his car while he bent over to open the door from the inside.
“okay” I said with trying to exhale a deep breath.
“so what did you two talk about?” he asked. he stepped on the gas and the car humming became louder. But the car didn’t leave yet. His didn’t touch the hand break yet.
“nothing” I mouthed.
“so you’re not going to talk to me?” he asked. I didn’t bother answering. I slumped my back on the seat and put my arm on the arm rest. I stared at the house we were leaving behind.
“fine Chelsea. Be as stubborn as you always were” he said. I ticked with anger. But I just kept quiet. I didn’t want a fight anymore.
“fine chelsea” he said again. he pulled down the hand break and sped away from the house.
“you want to say goodbye to your friend?” he asked sarcastically and made a cruel laugh. It was as if he was picking on her. still maintaining my stand, I kept quiet.
“oh look. It’s Anthony. Do you want to talk to him instead of me?” he asked again. it was starting to bother me a lot. But I still kept quiet and kept my eye outside the window.
He turned left and came across a few signs. One was a warning for deer. They usually came by the lake near summer. The road was rocky and the car tilted a few times. But still, I could not swallow my pride. I didn’t ask him to drive slower or smoother. He kept on driving fast against the rocks and pot holes. I didn’t enjoy the way he talked like that about megan. Even if it was true, he had no right to call her a whore. She was after all, my ex-best friend. Even though things had changed, I still didn’t think ray did the smartest, most mature thing.
“I’m stopping.” He said. And so he did. But I still didn’t answer.
“I’m not moving until you talk to me” he went on. His hands were glued to the steering wheel. His eyes were fixed on the road. But the engine was off.
“now. Don’t tell me you’re taking her side” I don’t know whether he said that to make me angrier. But I still said nothing.
“I’m on nobody’s side ray” I said coolly. My voice was deep and serious. He looked at me.
“don’t tell me you’re mad at me because I called her a whore?” he started. I didn’t answer. I just cleared my throat. I didn’t look at him. I kept staring outside my window.
“isn’t that what it’s all about Chelsea? Me calling her a whore? Why? Isn’t she just like you? Both of you had sex with me. Is that why you’re so mad?” he said. He laughed loudly like a complete asshole. I slapped him.
“I am not a whore. You are just a loser! You know why I never dated you? This is exactly why! You like to spread around what isn’t supposed to be told! and every time a girl doesn’t like you, you think it was because she couldn’t handle you. Didn’t you ever think that maybe you had always been the problem?” I shouted. He kept silent. It was like I threw a dagger at him. He turned red and turned on the car. He then sped off into the high way.
“in case you’re hungry, I packed lunch so we don’t have to stop.” He said. His voice seemed embarrassed and angry. But he didn’t look at me for the rest of the journey. The only thing breaking the silence was his radio, going on and on about the government.

fighting a silent war

well. i'd be lying if i said that i'm not hurt about my friend glaiza. and i'd be lying even more if i said that things have been even better since we last fought. but yeah... you get the picture.

after calling me stupid and untrainable, and after a few sorry's, it felt as if i just stopped caring. i got tired and well... things got rougher and rougher every day.

i can't talk to her about it since she's always right. i'm always the one who over reacts and i'm always the one who is wrong. i never listen and she says i always blame her. and it's funny... but i just got tired of it all. from lying to myself and to eventually, lying to her about me being alright. and nothing will ever change...

i heard somewhere that it's better i don't have friends being myself than having alot of friends but not being myself. but that's not entirely my issue. i think somewhere after many months of being notoriously hurt, i found out something. friends never try to litterally hurt you, embarass you or make you wish you were never born. yeah sure they make you realize a few truths... but at least they don't try to hurt you constantly.

and i guess it's easier to talk about glaiza that way since she's the only one who really listens anyway. and it's easier to somewhat point to her all my anger because well... she gives me the chance to be right sometimes.

i'm just whining about having to try to be mature about it all. i never thought maturity was something i had to work for. but i had to think above constantly. i was never given the chance to be right and be myself at the same time. like really... i look myself in the mirror and i don't recognize what i see anymore. i don't know myself anymore. and it really bites.

is it really better to give my friends up even though i won't have any in the process if they hurt me? hmmm...


i'm just afraid that if i lose my friends and soon, aian, where does that leave me?

book printed

now it's open for editing and harsh criticisms... i'm trying to finish the other book by august... and i'm going to finish the third, hopefully by december.... whew! i love the inspiration by the dearest readers and their comments.

i'm going to hopefully send it to a publishing house in manila if the first book is good enough to be read. whew.! i just need a bit more confidence and somewhat a boost....

my purpose in life

i was on facebook last night. i know i haven't been exactly the perfect rebel when it comes to online profiles but... it was a very needed thing especially since my two organizations have a profile so i really had to add them for updates. but everything i ever wanted from facebook was just updates, it turned to something very addictive.

yes, i have been trying to conquer my fear of finding what my bad sides are. and facebook has a few quizes to do just that. but lo and behold, it only targets the typical people. it doesn't really tackle any personal issues like periods, emotional stress, depression, mental instability, spiritual stimulation and things like those. it only tackles the self like a programmed disease indicator. just simple psychology.

but continuing to patronize the server, i went on and answered a few quizes mindlessly until i came across a very interesting quis. it's title was "what is your purpose in life?"

i was very much caught off guard. i was excited to view it. not only have i been longing to understand my very essence, but i have been longing to find out why i want to know my essence. i have searched the four corners of the world for an answer. but there it was... just at the tip of my fingers.

deciding to feed my curiosity whether it was something worth while or something just completely bogus, i clicked on it. after a series of situational questions, the result came in. it was one of thos types of answers where it sounds "undoubtedly" the truth. even though i don't believe in absolute certainty, i continued with it, hoping it would answer my long-asked question.

"you are an angel on earth. being around you, people are enlightened by your prescence."

i was completely frustrated. it did not answer "why am i alive?" it just simply answered "what is my purpose?" but then again, that was the entire point i started the quiz anyway.

unbelievable. my purpose in life is to be a blessing to others. i mean, isn't that the most obvious reason of all? we are all born to be a blessing to others. however, recognizing that purpose requires talent; a philosophical explanation of why others can do it and you can't. but then again, if others can do it; let them do it!

so back to my dilemma. i thought about "purpose" as being the "why-ness" of my existence. not some hokus-pokus and voila! but going back to my being as a foundation of the reason of my existence requires alot of philosophical, heideggerian and foucaultian understanding and not to mention a tedious self discovering process. all are which very tiresome... but crucial.

to find our purpose in life is simply the reason why we want others to want us being alive. it is what makes us important or in some cases, feel important. but finding our purpose is dependent on how we were brought up and how we choose our moral values on day to day scenarios. finding our purpose is a choice... it is never mandatory.

people can live without exhausting their purpose and their essence. they can grow old being bitter because they have not fully become what they wanted to be because at that time that they had the chance, they thought it to be of lesser importance. but then again, they have lived their life meaninglessly. therefore, the search for meaning is not demanded. it is a choice. and so is your job, your course, your spouse, your life. the only two things that we never had a say in is our birth, and soon, our death. both things happen without our consent. except of course, suicide. but then again, that last second of being alive makes you realize how much you want to breathe after all. but before you know it, it's just too late.

the prime necessity of life isn't purpose or reason or meaning, it is reasonable choice. the choice to live and keep living is important. but living without meaning is pointless. you are just breathing for the sake of breathing but not breathing because it fills your lungs with oxygen crucial to your very existence and sets off carbon dioxide to feed the trees. and imagine a life lived because you had to, not because you loved it even at it's darkest moments.

our purpose is a choice and so is our interpretation. but that's as far as my mind can articulate.

reality comes back

Chapter ten
It late in the afternoon when Raymond went by my house when I was still sitting in my chair clearly perplexed. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid to go back to school. I didn’t want to have to re-face everyone, everything, every lie and every truth. And worse, I didn’t want to face the responsibility.
Raymond walked in and found the letter on the table. He seemed joyful with his entrance. His hair bounced on his porcelain skin.
“what’s this?” he asked while picking it up. When he read it, his face turned from curiosity to blazing anger.
“what’s this?!” he screamed. I stammered to answer his question.
“it’s a letter for expulsion” I replied.
“why didn’t you tell me how bad you have been in school?” he asked. I couldn’t answer.
“do you want to go to school?” he asked. I avoided the constant glare of his eyes.
“no. not yet.” I said. My eyes were pretending to concentrate on the painting of a cat on the wall.
“well. You have to be ready by tomorrow. We have to go to church and after that, we’re leaving for the city. You have to decide tonight if you still want to go to school.” He declared. There was not a single tone of fear or tremble in his voice. He was as straight as a pole and as determined as ever.
“I don’t want to go.” I said. My voice seemed smaller than the usual. It seemed begging the Raymond to understand me.
“did you think that through?” he asked. I paused to think and then…I nodded my head.
“you are just so stubborn aren’t you Chelsea? You are just a scaredy cat.” He pointed out. I stood up and grabbed the letter from his hand and tore it in half. I ticked with anger. His eyes popped with surprise yet he was still as angry as ever.
“you don’t know what you’re talking about!” I screamed while storming out of the room. he tore after me and held tight against my arm.
“I know exactly what I’m talking about. Now sit down!” he ordered while pushing me to sit down on the chair. The chair made a big squeak as I bounced off it. I stood back up.
“you don’t get to tell me what to do! You… you asshole!” I screamed. He was taken aback. He stumbled across a few plastic cups.
“you don’t get to tell me what to do.” I repeated with tears starting to pop from the corners of my eyes.
“you’re scared Chelsea. And it’s alright to be scared.” He started. picking up the glasses that fell on the floor and put them on the counter, he moved slower than his prior actions.
“I’m not! Every one thinks that I’m someone who needs guidance but I don’t! I don’t need guidance! Everyone who guides people starts to…” I stopped. I sat down on the chair near the counter. He came closer to me. I could hear his steps slice through the silence around us.
“starts to what Chelsea?” he whispered in me ear.
“starts to leave you?” he continued. I kept silent while trying my best to be strong. He hit the target.
“just like your mom and dad? How they left a nine year old to the care of an aunt who allowed her husband to abuse you while mommy and daddy were in phuket and Hawaii on a business tour? And the little girl I loved so much was left to take care of Andrew. While everyone else filled you in with poison, you had to stand up.” He said. He knew exactly what he was talking about. I turned around to seek comfort in his arms.
“stop being scared Chelsea. Nobody is ever the same as all those horrible people. I’m here for you. I never left you then, and I’m not leaving you now.” He said.
“just go to school on monday.” He said softly.
“I don’t want to…” I returned.
“Chelsea. Please? For me.” He begged. I kept silent for a while until I finally agreed.
“go pack your bags Chelsea. You have got to start pretending to be strong and actually start being strong.” He said. His started tucking my hair behind my ear. His left hand went for his pocket and grabbed a handkerchief.
“stop crying now. You’ve got to get it together.” He advised. Soon enough, somewhere between him pouring me a glass of water and watching TV, he turned on the radio and listened for news.
“why didn’t you turn on the set?” I asked. his hands were twisting the knob, trying to find a signal.
“it doesn’t work” he replied. He was so focused on what he was doing that he didn’t notice the time. It was almost dinner time.

“would you like to stay for dinner?” I asked. my nose was still stuffy and itchy.
“no. I’m going home later.” He said, still pre-occupied with what he was doing.
“what are you waiting for?” I asked while rubbing a table cloth around my hands.
“you to fall asleep.” He answered. When finally he found the station, it buzzed a few times but he was still able to make out what the announcer was saying.
“there is…. Buzz!.. thirty percent….rain” it stuttered. He turned it off automatically after that.
“so…” I said to break the silence, “are we still going then?”
“of course we are. There is still a 70 percent chance it won’t rain. And I’m willing to bust my ass and drive you back home.” He said while facing me. He smiled lightly.
“but I am home” I retorted. I sat back down on the couch and stared at him as if I wanted to play mind games.
“oh yeah?” he sarcastically asked. he seemed distracted by something out the window and went near it.
“I’m always home when you’re near Raymond.” I mumbled.
“and the boyfriend?” he asked. obviously, he heard me.
“what boyfriend?” I pretended to hide. His head turned slightly sideways to catch me at the corner of his eyes.
“we both know.” He said. I didn’t want to debate with him again. I grabbed a pillow and rested my head on it for a while.
Eyes were getting heavy, my breath was slowing down. I felt relaxed. Raymond turned one of the lamps of and sat near my feet. Slowly and surely, he started humming a song. But I didn’t listen to it long enough because soon enough, I fell asleep. Spellbound to my dreams, I invited myself to dream of wonderful things. these were the things that made me want to continue another day; to continue being alive.