on bended knees

sorry to steal the title from a song, but i believe that i'd do it justice if i write something deeper and more profound. but this line in the song started with, "oh god give me a reason, i'm down on bended knees". unlike the song which tells the story of a man who is desperately trying to get over his agony (as well as himself), he goes back to the lord for comfort and wisdom.

just this morning as i was headed to liceo for my driving lesson, my father blasted the car with christian music. it was up to 16 which was very loud. i could barely hear myself think! i got so mad that i screamed at him to lower down the radio so my mom could drive properly. he then inserts himself and says "i don't understand what your saying anyway so i'm going to listen to something I enjoy!". i mean, of course it makes sense. it doesn't bother me what he listens to, what does bother me is how he constantly puts us in a position where we all want to hate him. i naturally don't care about him. i've lost my passion to continue life for my dad. and yes, i have learned to stop loving him a long time ago.

so back off, we were in the car right? so... he asks me "how many minutes do you spend for God?" i kept quiet because i already told him that everything i do is for God. i make my deeds a form of sacrifice. he then says, "see, you can't even answer me!" pissed off, i told him, "you don't get to tell me what to do! don't dictate me on how i should praise God! just because you can't control your life, it doesn't mean you should control mine!" and almost automatically, my father kept quiet.

a few minutes later, while driving out of town, i regained sanity. even though i didn't love my father, i had no right to treat him that way. even if i hated having to believe in God because that was what he constantly pinned down in my head, i still believed in him which meant it was at least in a way effective. i just hated the idea that my life was being run by a self proclaimed emperor. then i came to the idea that if i wasn't able to treat my father with respect, i wasn't doing God any good either.

it's like, there is a commandment that says, "fathers, do not provoke your children". and i have been using that as an excuse to hate my father. instead of looking for good things he has done to me, i constantly keep my eyes on his mistake and never ever forget to remember them. all i see is him trying to make me miserable. in ways it is true, he even forgets my name, but in some... it's not the case.

even when i told my father that i didn't love him anymore, he still paid for my school. he bought me a car, he wrote down our house in my name and promised me a future in the states. even when i made up reasons to hate him, he continually found reasons to love me.

i really don't love my dad. honestly, i want to live without being with him. but then again, i can't imagine my dad not being with me when i need him most.

i remember a time when i was two years old when he would take me outside to bathe me. i was too young to pronounce "kabo". he brought me outside that one afternoon. i could still remember because my mother was making salted eggs and balut for extra income and she'd always make them in the afternoon when she was done with siesta. so my dad put me on a wooden cover for the huge water tank. he didn't notice that it was already rotting because he was busy getting my soap and clean clothes. i didn't notice either since... well... i was still 2.

he went back inside the house to get what he needed for my bath which included the kabo. i was singing mandy when the wood broke in half and i fell head first into the tank full of water.


they say that at the moment before you die, you see have a flashback. my life wasn't that long so there wasn't so much to look at. all i remember was my mother holding me in her arms while making me go to sleep. i remember my dad singing, "pipay, i love you so. don't you know oh oh oh, pipay i love you so... pipay i love you so." and stuck in that upside down position, almost out of breath, lungs almost collapsing, i felt a touch on my ankle and i was pulled upward.

my dad saved me.


the same thing happened when i was four. i was following my sister and our neighbor len-len who were planning to get native guavas at the back of our small farm. they told me to stay behind, but i kept following them anyway.

we passed by a broken canal my dad demolished before because water could not pass through properly. my sisters acrobatically walked at the sides and continued to push me away. angrier and desperate to have my sister's attention, i went on following them.

i tripped on a rock and fell head first into the hole where my head hit a broken glass. the scar still is visible 'till this day. moments later, i opened my eyes to see my father holding me in his arms and my mother getting gauze and guava tea to wash my wound.


all those times i was inches away from death, my father came to the rescue. he was always ready to pull me out of deep-shit situations. and for that, i thank God for him. for every good thing he did, i bless my dad.

turning around, i saw myself. all those times, i had always been the "good child". i was the one who always got good grades, the one who never got into trouble, the one who was continually progressive. i was always the one who my parents gave everything to. i was always the one who my parents wanted to be with. and no matter how effed up things were, i was always the one they trusted. but all these titles were my choice. i didn't want to be the reason why my parents kept regretting why they made children. i didn't want to be the worst child, they already have bad ones.

but behind closed doors, they don't know who i am. i'm still the girl who has a summer ritual of trying to kill herself. i'm still the girl who wishes to get cancer just so she could die. i'm still the girl who never learns. i'm still the girl who had a child but died. i'm still the girl who feels unloved. and i'm definately still the girl who can't find her true identity.

to them, they see me as someone strong and independent. but to those who know me, they see me as someone who separates herself. i don't know why i am like this. i don't really give in to one set of friends for a long time. i always seem to run into bad reasons to stay and i always abandon them regardless if they need me or not. and i always want to be alone even if it means going away from God's light just so i could prove to everyone that i made it without anyone's help.

reflecting upon this want, it still went back to my sisters. my eldest had always been the genius, and that's not just a title i gave her. she is, literally, a genius. she was the one who knew how to spell before she could talk. she knew how to write and read. she could draw, she could dance, she could do anything except sing. my other sister was always the one who knew how to gain money. she always knew how to embezzle everyone. she was the meanest of us 3. she would make me cry on a regular basis. she could sing. and boy, she has one heck of a voice. but neither of them wanted me around during my childhood.

i would enter their room to play with them. they would push me out of their room and tell me i didn't belong there. it was just a childish thing. but i couldn't forget how my eldest said "no she's not my sister" when i called her in recess. i most especially couldn't forget when my other sister went to her friend's birthday party instead of mine. i would never forget how my sister took my lunch money because she said she already used hers to buy a yoyo. and at that time, you were the coolest kid when you had a yoyo that flashes light.

but a more mature thing came along when i was in second year high school when my sister had sex with my boyfriend. my other sister's boyfriend almost raped me but she still chose him over me and said, "starting now, you don't have me as your sister anymore." i still remember how they forced me to enter a relationship where the boy only got me drunk and raped me. and i definately remember how my sister punched me in the face in dv soria and my mother took my sister's side.unknown to them, i still bear these things in my heart. unknown to all of them, i still hurt all over again when i remember these things.

but, if i look at the positive side to what they did, they have done alot of good things to me. like my eldest teaching me algebra in grade 6. my other sister teaching me how to sing. my sisters who took me out for lunch when i had my first heart break and my sisters who celebrated with me when i graduated and was offered to school in xavier. they were the ones who saw me cry, even if sometimes they were the reason.

my family had always been the apple of discord. everything always goes wrong. but hey, they're just human. even i make mistakes, i just don't know them. i am sometimes optimistic, but there are times when i wake my mother in the middle of the night because i want to die. there are times when i broke my mother's heart when i pulled out a knife and desperately tried to cut my wrist because i felt discontented. there are times when everything is oh so wrong, but my family remains strong for me. my dad pulls me out of shitty situations, my mother takes my side whenever i need it, my sisters take me out when i'm sad (with tanduay in hand).

and through the years, they are a constant reminder to me that God exists.

confront me

i'm not one to complain about things. i shouldn't be so pessimistic. i know my place and i know i make mistakes. this is one thing i hate which always happens every damn year and every new damn friend. there is always a falling out. it's either i run out of positive things to look for in a friend, OR, i can sense being unwanted.

i'm not that numb. i admit in fact that i'm too sensitive even at times i shouldn't. and when the time calls for me to be, i don't. i act like a bitch and insult everyone in the room. i don't mind people hating me for being who i am. i wish i could change, but then again, i don't want to. but so, here goes my blog.

i'm starting to hate what this friend is doing. every time we talk, she pulls out the carpet under my feet. it's not a literal statement, but i wish you'd get the point. there are times when criticism is good. in fact, it is always best for people to keep track of their lives. but this friend of mine, it's like it's her agenda to just piss me off. she cuts me off, and then she doesn't talk at all. sometimes, i don't care whether it is intentional or not, she shuts me off. it's like if i were a blazing fire, she'd hose me down.

i know i shouldn't mind it. she wouldn't make me feel any bit of this anger and disappointment without my consent right?

so my agenda for these upcoming months is to just simply avoid her. i won't make myself prolong any agony.... enough.

unpampered spirits

christopher woke up that morning with an aching head. clearly hung over from partying all night. he rushed over to the comfort room to dispose involuntarily whatever it was he injested.





he washes his face at the sink and pauses to take a deep breath while letting the water run and drain down what he just threw up. a red but pale face looks back at him. the mirror seems to show him a very unfamiliar side of chris; a side he had always welcomed, but never progressively stood up for.





he pauses to find himself thinking about thoughts he had always wished would go away. he stands up straight and goes to the kitchen. he opens the fridge as usual and drinks a couple bottle of beers for breafast. and maybe... just maybe... he might get drunk and not think about it again.

and it has been like that for as long as everyone can remember. nobody really knows his story. everytime somebody asks him, it's either he gives a nervous laugh or an angry stare. his friends know the reason, but most have forgotten the exact details. but for him... the memories are still vivid. he still remembers his everything.

he steps out of his house everyday, find a ride to town and get drunk as usual with his usual circle of friends who are only too apathetic to see that he was not alright. and for a long time... christopher disappeared. that was when everyone panicked. this is where our story begins...

"he always seemed to have nothing wrong with him" says jade; his partner in crime. she always seemed to know everyone. she always thought she was right. she was scanning through old scrapbooks and photo albums. there, the distant smile of christopher seemed real enough to touch.

"does he have anyone he might have gone to?" asked hazel, the concerned yet forgotten friend. everyone hated her because she always wanted to talk things out. people didn't like her because she was always the first to get drunk and first to leave. jade, sweet and stain turn their heads away from her and ignore her.

"what really happened?" asked sweet who was scratching her head in confusion. she was always the pretty one and the one who every one wanted to be with. stain turned his head to her and started his version of christopher's story.

"he loved her before. she was always there. every single day. but he fell in-love with someone else" he started. stain was always half-right with his stories.

"girl or boy?" asked lyris, the youngest of the group. she was the one who knew everything, but was as closed as a clam.

"ha ha! what a question!" said jade. she slammed the books shut and joined stain and sweet laughing. lyris simply looked back at hazel who was clearly insulted by their ignorance.

"does he have anyone he might have gone to?" asked lyris who noticed the question was left unanswered. jade paused to think and eventually lied down in despair and speachlessness. her eyes were staring at the ceiling.

"pour me a cup of coffee." stain told hazel. she stood up without a sound or any form of violent reaction. lyris went with her and talked things over.

"how could this happen?" whispered sweet who was devastated by his disappearance.

hazel came back with a cup of coffee in her hand while lyris brought the sugar and cream. stain snapped his fingers and hazel passed it to him.

"did anyone check his house?" hazel asked who was busy attending to the refreshments but still keeping her mind on the topic. jade rolled her eyes and ignored the question. stain just gave an arrogant laugh while sweet remained speachless. she had noticed everyone ignoring her every question.

"since when did this happen?" asked lyris. jade sat straight up from lying down and lit a cigarette.

"i don't know. he last called me a week ago. but that was all i heard from him." she said and she blew smoke from her nose.

"well... what did he say?" asked sweet who stood up and sat next to her. she needed to hear this.

"well... i was drunk. i could barely remember. all i do remember is him saying that he'll be fine." she said. she rested her head on sweet's lap and tried to close her eyes and survive the hang over.

"where could he be?" lyris asked herself. everyone sat down to think. hazel had a clue where he weant... but she knew that as soon as she opened her mouth, everyone would discard everything she says whether it was the truth or a hunch.

"have we tried looking near the beach? he might just be there" said hazel. jade opened her eyes to think and sat straight up again.

"can you please shut up? that is such a stupid idea! why would he go there? he would most likely go to a place where we never would think to find him!" she screamed at hazel. lyris sat beside hazel and carressed her back as hazel swallowed her pride and kept quiet. she obviously felt insulted, but tolerated it.

"jade... just stop being so hostile." said lyris who was trying to comfort hazel.

"who are you to dictate me?" she barked. "get me a glass of water!" she demanded from hazel. she stood up and did it anyway. although she didn't know anymore why, but she kept that circle of friends.

"jade. stop being so harsh." said lyris who was noticing the tension getting hotter by the second.

"you're just my little sister!" she said. hazel who was inside the kitchen heard the screaming and backsassing.

"i'm going guys." said hazel who everyone ignored.

"there you go. you always leave whenever we need you most!" shouted jade. hazel seemed insulted by her remark when in fact... all of them made her want to leave. lyris only softened the impact of their incessant insults.

"what do you need me for? you don't listen to me!" she said and stood up. she aimed to storm out of the room and leave them for good. lyris held her arm in a desperate attempt to not make the situation grow worse.

"who would want to listen to you?" said stain who gave an insulting laughter. lyris felt hazel's arm stiffen and it grew hotter. her fists were anticipating a punch but she was well aware about her dignity and she respected all of them.

"stop it." said marie. stain's girlfriend. she came in from the door behind hazel. everyone turned around in surprise. her eyes were sore and swollen.

"love" called stain affectionately and kissed her cheek. she rejected the kiss and sat down with hazel who was now sitting at the counter; trying to recover herself.

"you sit here and think that this will help christopher." she began. she was about to begin the sermon that would make them behave rationally again.

"christopher's gone and the best you can do is speculate where he could be? jade... you were too drunk to realize that chris was trying to commit suicide. stain, you were too busy making hazel look like a fool to realize what he was about to do. and sweet, you were too busy having fun with those boys to realize that he sent 10 messages because he needed someone to talk to!" she pointed out. jade, the overconfident spawn of the devil refuted.

"and where were you? you think you're so innocent!" she screamed. silence struck the room as marie's eyes bursted into tiny bitter tears. she kept her posture straight and firm, "i was with my mother. she died that night."

jade took a step back in embarrassment. hazel didn't look around to see if any of them were surprised. she wasn't. she knew about it. but she never told a sould since...well... nobody cared what she said.

"i'm sorry marie" came out lyris' quiet voice.

"do you know where christopher is?" asked hazel. marie turned around to face her and nodded.

"where is he?" asked hazel.

"where do you think?" said marie. hazel pondered around for a few minutes in silent contemplation.

the psychic instructor

today, my driving instructor was sir adonis. it was just like yesterday with kuya arbie except that i was much more comfortable with him because of his charm and that helped ease the nerves of a novice. it was my first time yesterday to drive on the highway so speeding was one of my main concerns as well as signals and clutch-break-gas decisions.

today however, i drove things more than just a car. i drove myself into a never ending spiral of confusion and obscurity and eventually... insanity. i could not think whether i should pursue my friend and classmate or my crush for almost two school years.

it hit me when i was driving uphill to lumbia airport which was a 10 minute drive from my house and a 30 minute drive from bulua. hanging on to my thoughts as entertainment while driving; i came across the thought of her smile. it was the one she had given me in sociology class when i got my hair fixed and her hand accidently caressed my chin. the feeling of soft and unsure comfort; everything was so fresh even if it happened once in the previous semester. that memory should be buried along with every wrong and right feeling i had. then almost suddenly, my instructor pulled the break extension at the passenger's side.

"whatever it is you're thinking about, don't" he said casually. i was unsure whether he could read minds or that my thoughts somehow didn't stay in a thought bubble.

partially, i would have just told him to drive the car for me and let me go home. i didn't want to drive anymore. until he said, "pull over here". i stopped the car at his demand and he let out a thunder of laughter. it might have been because i was not thinking about the road, i was thinking about both of them at the same time. whichever i was going to choose then could be my only shot at happiness.

but after talking things over with my long time crush and current boyfriend, it was one of those things i could have just left behind. i could have just told him it was over despite of his pleading and his evident change. i could have pulled the breaks, but i couldn't. weakness? maybe... stupidity? surely.

he held my hand under a huge mango tree. i felt so sure the words to let him go would escape my mouth. instead i asked him if i would ever see him again. it was so hard to let him go because the only attention i ever wanted from anyone was right there and i didn't have to beg or cry for it. it was just handed to me for free. that kind of love is hard to find.

i don't know sincerely if my friend was right that because i'm discontent with my family, i'm looking for some other source of my emotional necessities. i don't know even if it crossed her mind that i'm desperate. but surely, i'm not strong enough to let him go yet. and i have not owned my classmate so i could let her go. either way, one of them has to mean something to me. i had to choose today; myself, the man i waited for for two years, or my not so close friend ever since national service training program.

i read somewhere that a confused heart is so much harder to teach than a confused mind. the mind can simply aquire knowledge and validity in the data through books. but the heart is unteachable. it is the only stubborn thing in the body which, when targetted, goes to where there is hurt and which the heart hurts about something because it means something to the heart. mindlessly, i chose to use my heart in more than 100 ways. all were a failure.

this is by far my most uncomfortable experience ever and i regret ever entering this. but whenever i get out of this, i'm sure i will learn a thing or two. hopefully, it won't take long.

how to mend a broken heart

“honey…” she tried to confront him. He turned to his phone that was ringing incessantly.

“I need to take this. Just a minute honey” he promised. Her tears were falling back as he turned his back on her and talked to his gadget. People around her beamed at her while she tried to wait for chris to come back.

“would you like more wine miss?” asked the waiter while showing her a bottle of red wine. She had not taken notice of the label and quickly said “yes” to ease her nerves.

“I’m so sorry honey. That was my boss.” He said. It had seemed as though he had forgotten why they were out for dinner that night. It even seemed as though he had forgotten that they had been together for 5 years. It was their anniversary.

“honey. I need to tell you something” she said. Just then the waiter came from the kitchen with a dish on both hands for each of them.

“oh good. Dinner is here” he said in relief. Her eyes were getting heavier and heavier as the waiter flicked his match and soon enough her dish was blazing in fire.

“isn’t this great honey. Just you and me… no work for a week.” He said happily. He was clearly unaware of her staring at him and waiting for him to listen to her even when she was not talking. He fixed his table napkin on his lap and he got his knife and fork and cut through the steak he had just gotten from the waiter.

“honey.” She attempted again.

“what?” he said. His hands were each holding a utensil and were resting on the white table cloth.

“I’m…” she started before she was clearly interrupted by the phone call chris got again.

“I’m sorry honey. Let me take this.” He excused himself and got up again.

Her food stopped burning and she ate quietly her chicken. The food was great but the flavor was washed away by her tears that were flowing down. She ate while waiting for him to come back again.

“miss. Are you okay?” asked the table beside her. She nodded in denial and continued eating. The old couple beside her handed a handkerchief.

“your husband doesn’t know what he has here.” Said the old man in black suit. she stiffened her upper lip and waited for him to come back again.

“honey.” She said as soon as he sat down.

“I’m so glad that was over. Let’s eat now.” He invited. He had just forgotten that she was going to tell him something. She put her fork and knife together at the right side of her plate. She wasn’t finished with dinner yet, but she was through with him.

“honey.” She started again.

“aren’t you going to eat?” he asked ignoring what she had to say. He kept on chewing incessantly his steak which he kept remarking as “superb!”

“no.” she said.

“we should get a doggy bag. Maybe you’d like to finish later” he said. She put her hands together and just kept crying. He didn’t notice her until the waiter handed over the desserts.

“honey!” he exclaimed in worry. “is the food here that bad?” he ignorantly asked.

“honey. it’s not that anymore.” she started to tell him it was over and she was leaving him for good; pregnant or not. his phone beeped again. he flipped open his phone in excitement.

“honey look. My friends invited us over this weekend to the beach.” He inserted again. he got up again and quickly dialed his friend’s number while she was left again.

Realizing that she’d never be worth anything to chris, she stood up and he came back after seeing her about to leave.

“honey. not here.” He whispered embarrassingly. He had just noticed every couple in the area glaring at him. She opened her purse and slammed $300 to his chest.

“here’s my share for tonight” she said. He was just starting to realize the brevity of the moment.

“honey. I can pay for tonight” he giggled. He rested his arm behind her and tried to encourage her to sit down again.

“you didn’t hesitate to pay for tonight. But you also didn’t hesitate to make me your option chris.” She said bluntly and she stormed out of the restaurant. Every glaring eye turned away and noise came back from each table. They all resumed talking about things he never paid attention to.

he pulled out a box from his pocket and opened his diamond ring for her. with regret; he closed his tiny box of dreams and sat back down and ate dinner by himself.

moving on

Chapter 12

Raymond’s car left from view. With my heart in his hands, he drove off unknowing what value he made. He made me realize what it took to be strong. He made me realize that I had to be weak, and that was my right.
The door kept open still. Leaves brought by the wind blew in. the moonlight brought a blue beaming cold aura. The breeze pierced through my thick long jacket. It gnawed on my feet under the boots. It shattered my soul. I entered the house like a phantom; unhappy and longing.
I closed the door behind me and continued walking. The stairs was only a few steps away. I saw light escaping from Andrew’s room only broken by his shadow. He was there, sitting idly on top of the stairs with his hands akimbo. His eyes disturbed me with their silence. The bruises in his soul were visibly seen. I ignored them.
“where have you been?” he asked coldly. His eyes didn’t blink or move. His body remained still.
“you know where I’ve been.” I replied. I stood there staring up at him. I was at the foot of the stairs, untouched by his light.
“no I don’t. answer me!” he screamed while he stood up and took a step closer to me.
“I was home Andrew.” I responded. He took another step nearer to me.
“do you know how worried I’ve been?” his face turned awry. His voice shook with every tone.
“Andrew. I’m so sorry” I said. His foot took a step back. He was shocked. It seemed like he did not understand what I just said.
“what?” he asked with his hand resting at the handle attached to the stairs.
“I’m sorry Andrew.” I repeated. He kept his silence. He took another step back and walked into his room. he made no sound. He showed no sign of forgiveness. He ignored me at the point when I needed him to pay attention. I didn’t understand him at all. I decided to follow him into his room where I found him near the window. His room was now filled with drawings on sheets of paper stuck to the wall by cellulose tape. His back faced me while his entire body sat on a chair facing the window. His desk had several sheets of paper, a few colored pens and an unorganized stack of comics. The floor creaked when I tried to enter his room.
He turned his head slightly side to his side and said “I never thought you’d be so weak.”
“i didn’t expect it either.” I replied.
“how could you just leave me like that chels?” he asked. I saw his cheeks turn pink with hurt.
“Chelsea. Why did you bother coming back?” he said while standing up and turning around to face me. I opened my mouth to explain, but he shut me out.
“you always leave people hanging Chelsea. I thought we were in this together.” He said. I couldn’t open my mouth to speak. I couldn’t look into the eyes of a disappointed brother. I took a step closer to him.
“try to understand Andrew. Even warriors need a place to rest.” I explained. His head hung low and raised them back up to me. I saw his pale skin fill with more pink.
“I know I had hurt you. I had to Andrew. You just had to stop depending on me. You just had to grow up.” I continued. He showed me no sign that he understood me.
“you left because you were a coward!” he screamed. He shocked me with his intensity.
“you had to make excuses!” he went on. My eyebrows crunched together in confusion. I ran to him and tried to lock him. He was screaming in my embrace and crying and threw his fist. He wrestled me into his bed where we both fell. But I didn’t let him go.
“you left me Chelsea!” he kept screaming.
“I’m sorry Andrew!” I whispered loudly. He didn’t stop his tantrum until I said, “Andrew. I’m your sister. And I love you. we’re still in this together. You’re the only one I have.”
He stopped moving. I could only hear his sad, pathetic moan of despair. He kept sobbing in my arms. He was weakened with this touch I had never showed him. He felt like he was decreasing his strength. I felt his heart getting softer.
“Andrew… I’m sorry.” I kept repeating. He kept crying and moaning underneath the embrace. His breath washed away the cold, bitterness set on us by every rock we stumbled on. His hardened skin became softer and his tears fell into his bed. That was when I let him go.
He stared into my eyes. He blinked them a couple of times along with his deep breath. His face was sad and confused. His eyes became heavier and heavier. Soon enough, he fell into a deep slumber. He breathed slower and his calm, normal self surfaced again.

I sat on his bed facing away from the distorted image of my brother. The night went on like I silent ghost, unseen and undisturbed. I didn’t see the night pass me by. Andrew was sleeping silently while I sat awake.
I didn’t know right then and there what laid ahead of me. I knew everyone wouldn’t care about me coming back to school. But facing everyone as a renewed person might change everything. Just almost instantly, jairus’ memory passed through me. That was when I knew exactly what to do.
I went back to my room. I flipped open the trunk full of memories. Inside were jairus’ t-shirt, his favorite cd’s and our pictures. I got a black trash bag from the kitchen drawers and dumped them all inside. Including the candles from the surprise birthday he set up for me the year before.
I just realized that I wanted to move on. And holding on to these memories will only keep me trapped in the past. I needed to let him go desperately.
His face on the pictures brought many wonderful memories. They built a story I could not forget. But he was right. He did the right thing for me and for him. Dawn was bound to make him happy.

eleven

Chapter eleven

The road was long and it was soon getting dark. We were closer and closer to home. I wasn’t anxious. I was excited about school again and I wanted to see Andrew. I guess I just needed a fresh mind to re-think my thoughts.

He took a left when we reached the crossing about a town before mine. It had been 3 hours long. It was a far drive. And with every moment passing, I felt my heart jumping for joy.
“we’re almost there” he said coldly. His eyes were squinting within the darkness. He was tired from driving. I didn’t answer him. He kept driving on, without a sound until he saw a gas station. It was marked at the right side of the road. I could see its yellow and red lines from far away. He turned on his light signals and turned right.
He pulled in and put the gas nozzle into the gas tank and he went to the store across the car. I looked behind me and saw his bag on the back seat. It was a green bag. The texture was rough and itchy. I opened the inside thinking there might have been some cassette to play instead of the radio. But no luck, I closed his bag after finding only his clothes.
It took about a few minutes when the gas stopped flowing and he came back from the store. He opened a bag of chips and started binging on it. His eyes were red and they looked tired. He slid the bag under his arm as he opened a can of soda. He closed his eyes as I saw him gulp down. His adam’s apple moved up and down as he drank every drop. After drinking, he licked his lips and crushed the can while walking to me. He threw the can at a trash can near the car.
He slid money to the gas boy who checked the car engine as soon as he did. He opened the car and put on his cap. He got another soda and put it in my hand and opened it for me. The bag of chips was near the hand brake. The gas boy closed the cover for the engine and showed us the way out. Raymond turned on the car and put the bag of chips on the dashboard and sped away.
“I don’t know how to say this…” he started. he took a deep, subtle breath and continued, “ but I’m so sorry.”
A tear ran across his face. But he kept his face straight and solid. He was like ice; cold and hard but… tasteless.
“ray… there’s nothing to be sorry about” I responded.
“no there is. You’re right. Thanks for telling me the truth.” He said. He sniffed his nose as he kept driving until he came to a red light.
“I’m sorry too ray.” I started. I held his hand tightly as they gripped the clutch. “I never meant to hurt you. I just didn’t expect us to get this far. I just didn’t think you had to know. I wanted to be with you ray. It was just that… I didn’t know how to deal with a guy who always got what he wanted when I’m the same.” I continued. He became pale but continued being hard.
“did we go too fast?” He said as if it had just then became a fact. He didn’t notice my eyes getting wet with hurt.
“no ray… we just didn’t work out.” I tried to tell him. He stopped talking after that. I know what he did was wrong. But I was so attached to him now, there was just no way of setting him free. He had me at my worst, he just deserved my best.

When he turned right after a few blocks from the gas station, we came to the suburbia where I lived. My house was still about a few blocks away. The trees were wrestling against each other within the darkness of the night. He drove on and on.
“ray… thanks for everything” I said while putting my hand on his back and gave him a pat.
He and I soon saw the mailbox of my house where he stopped to park the car. The house seemed dark and desolate except for a light in andrew’s room.
“we’re here” he said sadly. The car stopped its humming and turned to me. I could not find the courage to step outside. He unlocked the doors and I heard my door make a huge click. My empty can of soda in my hand became warm but my hand was cold.
“I don’t think I’m ready” I said while looking at the light from andrew’s room. I looked at Raymond. He smiled at me like it was alright.
“I’m here for you all the way.” He said. He took my hand and held it tightly.
“let me walk you to your door.” He got off his chair and stepped outside the car. He got my bag from the back and opened the door for me. He laid out his hand for him to catch me.
“ray. I’m not sure I can do this.” I said. My hands were shivering cold. I guess he felt it. I didn’t let go.
“lets go Chelsea. Andrew’s waiting for you.” he said. I stepped out with one foot at a time. I closed the car door behind me.

He kept holding my hand as he and I walked towards the door. He walked slower for me this time. When we arrived at the porch where he dropped the bag, he kept silent and let go of my hand. He stood there.
“this is it Chelsea.” He said. He knocked on the door three times. Nobody seemed to hear us from inside. He knocked again. still nobody heard us. I was so annoyed at either he was pretending to be blind or he wanted to prolong the agony of the chilly weather. I pointed to him the buzzer which was at the right side of the door. He pressed it for a few seconds until the lights came on. Somebody opened the door and I found Andrew.

“Andrew.” I called. He looked at me as if nothing happened.
“chelsea” he called back. He opened the door wider without any embrace. It seemed as though I wasn’t gone. My mind went. ”hey! I was gone you know!” but he was blank.
“Raymond.” He called. Raymond stared at me with a look of concern. He seemed to notice that nothing changed. We were both disturbed by the unwelcomed coldness between me and Andrew.
“Andrew. I’ve been gone. Is this the welcome home I get?” I asked. his eyebrow raised.
“are you getting inside or not?” he asked. I bent over to get the bag of clothes and Raymond stepped away.
“maybe I’ll catch up inside Andrew.” I said. He left the door open. He disappeared from our view as Raymond stood behind me.
“ray… this is me. So… thank you for everything.” I said. He took a step close and hugged me.
“I’m going to miss this hug” I said. He smiled at me. His face was only three inches away from me. I felt his warm breath against mine. I saw his eyes twinkle within the stillness of darkness around us. I was weakened by his closeness.
“don’t try and kiss me ray.” I warned. He made a little laugh.
“I can’t make you do things you don’t want to.” He returned. I wanted him to.
“what if I wanted to?” I asked, “but I just can’t let you.” I said. He stopped holding me and stepped away. He turned away from me and went to his car. The road lights went on and so did his car. He drove away that night bringing more than just a memory. And I thought for a moment, he would never bring with him a part of me.

A part of me left with Raymond that night. I could not understand why or how.