tossing and turning in my bed, i found myself stuck in between wanting to sleep and the inability to do so. it was not because of my excitement because it would be my birthday in just a few hours nor was it because i had a person on my mind. i was just in a point when i didn't know why i was still awake. and the worst part is that, a song just kept ringing incessantly in my ear.
these were the only a few lines i could not stop hearing from the song: not drunk enough by adele:
"'cuz you and me, we're through"
"even when i had too much, i still feel your touch"
"i want to see you, but i don't want you to see me"
during the months of january and february, it couldn't have been anything less than hell. it was a time of great depression, a desperate call for sanity, and it was the first time in my life when i was walking on the line between sanity and irrationality. it was a time my heart was shattered into a billion, miniscule pieces.
but then, when march came and the cause of my dementia did not come back, i decided to move one with whatever little i had left. i had failed in almost all my subjects. i lost all interest in even eating and sleeping. going on the net and surfing was a great torture. the only thing i could feel like doing was drinking. i thought it would help me erase, at least for a moment, the memory he managed to carve inside my mind. but then i realized that nobody was going to help me move on unless i decide to do it myself. he wasn't coming back even if i killed myself. that was a fact i had to face.
upon looking back, i realized that a great deal about me has changed. besides habit-wise, i found myself to be a bit more grateful than the old self. for one, i won't have to deal with any more heart aches from constantly being accused of infidelity. i won't have anything holding me back when i want to read a book or go to the mall. i won't have to be constantly aware of what i have to say in fear that it might disappoint someone. i won't have to beat up my brains just to understand a boy whose vocabulary is only 20 words. i won't have to feel betrayed or insulted when he makes me the laughing stock. and i certainly won't have to throw away my dream of going to the states just because some "boy" will feel hurt.
i've got two words for boys who do that: "damn you"
when a man loves a woman, he won't hold her back from anything she puts her mind to. instead, he steps up and helps her accomplish whatever it is she feels is right for her even if it means to remove himself from the picture. but when a boy loves a woman... that is a whole other scenario.
the reason why i related my ex with my birthday is because he managed to ruin my last birthday and i still forgave him for that. and right now that i'm turning 19, i am truly saying goodbye to his memory.
right now? i don't know whether the relationship i am in is going to work out or not. i'm not even sure if he's "the one" or not. but i'm certain of one thing, as of this moment, he loves me like a man should. and for that, i am forever grateful.
i am grateful because as early as now, i have found my true friends. i came to this realization when i walked down memory lane with a friend. we talked about her best friends and their monotonous lives while she and i dealt with the change in our lives and appreciated the imperfections in life. although i doubt whether she agreed with the thought when i called her friends stupid, i have to say i am grateful for them anyway.
without stupid people, i would never be aware of what i want to achieve in life. i would never be able to know what i want to become and what i don't want to become. i certainly like being adored, but if it means to risk my intellect just to be appreciated well then, no thanks. i'd rather be hated for who i am than being loved for who i am not.
trying to count my blessings is one of the hardest things for me to do. i don't know exactly when i started feeling satisfied when i felt sorry for myself, but i'm pretty sure i've gone past that now. i'm just so tired of being angry all the time. it's like waiting for rain in the middle of a drought: useless and disappointing. from that, i must lift myself and turn away from the draining emotions. i must change.
to change perhaps, like what the great Sartre has repeated in his books, is a choice. to move on or to stay behind, to love or to not love, to be surrounded or to be alone is a matter of perspective ultimately lead by a decision. the grounds for that choice however is also a choice.
everyone knows that there are two places where a woman thinks. half her mind is up in her head where she calculates, meditates and rationalizes everything. the other part is her heart where she keeps love, hurt, passion, lust and curiousity. for boys, it is not exactly the same thing.
half their brain is in their head for the same purpose as women. but the other half of their mind is stuck with their penis. graphic, but true... i declare it to be true. that is the reason why sometimes men and women understand each other while other times they don't. but when a boy knows when to departmentalize his thirst for sexual activity and knows his responsibility, then he becomes a man.
i'm just so grateful for the changes in my life. i'm glad because God took away everything from me so i could realize that he's what i need after all. he stripped everything off of me. he stripped away the love of my life because i was headed for a huge mistake i would regret years later. he stripped away my friends who were not intellectually stimulating because i would not become a better person with them. he stripped away my sanity to make me realize how far i have derailed myself from the actual, correct path. he stripped away my intelligence to help me realize that i cannot do things on my own. i need him.
and for that... i just can't believe i'm turning nineteen in the next hour. i just can't believe that i'm still alive. after how many accidents i've survived, how many sins i have committed, how many times i've hurt others, God still gave me another year. for sure, he gave it to me because he wants me to undo the things i have done. if not that, he wants me to do the things no other person will dare to do.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
superiority vs. inferiority
Faye Hazel R. Douglass
Chinese Philosophy A
“Confucius and the superior man”
During the time of Confucius, men and women were driven in fear of foreign invasion, poverty and confusion. Confucius and other Chinese philosophers sphere headed the philosophy of the Chinese. They initiated education instead of war.
For Confucius, as well as the Chinese, the superior man was not a question whether he was physically well and popular. For them, the superior man is a gentleman. His outlook on life is not a matter of whether people see how great he is, but that he acts and responds without fear of being left invisible.
“wealth and honor are what every man desires. But if they have been obtained in violation of moral principles, they must not be kept”1 Says Confucius in his analects. The goal of the Chinese was not that they had to get insanely popular. Their goal was to create harmony with nature, with superiors and with themselves. For them, money should never come first. It did not matter for them what man’s work was for as long as he did it with honor, dignity and passion. That would make the superior man.
“the superior man wants to be slow in words but diligent in action”2 says Confucius. In modern English terms, “words without actions are nothing”. Actions are more important especially if they lead to the betterment of others. The superior man is not like a peacock. The peacock has so many beautiful colors on its tail, but barely does anything. Man should not talk more about things; he should work or as Americans say, “walk the walk”.
“the superior man is dignified but not proud; the inferior man is proud but not dignified”3 . Dignified is different from proud. Dignified is an honor given by the people around him while pride is something self-given. Dignity for Confucius meant that the superior man did not need any self-recognition to accomplish anything. But the inferior man is proud because he constantly needs appreciation even if he’s the only one giving it to himself. For Confucius, being proud is not what a great man should do simply because it is only, “all in a day’s work”. A supplementary to this quote is when he said, “the superior man seeks (room for improvement or occasion to blame) in himself; the inferior man seeks it in others.”4
The superior man however is not just himself against the world. He is a respectful man thus gaining respect. In modern European language, there is a saying that says, “respect can never be demanded. It is given only if man deserves it”. The superior man concentrates on not gaining respect for himself only, but he concentrates on respecting others. He diligently examines himself on how to continually help others progress and incessantly tries to make harmony. If the superior man does not have harmony within his situation, he simply bends with it.
The Chinese have the principle also and they call it “the wise bamboo.” One of the reasons is that the bamboo bends whenever there is a great wind or storm but remains intact. It is constantly used for houses and irrigation systems, but it remains strong and elegant. For the Chinese, the superior man must be like the bamboo. It bends so that it won’t break.
In comparison to this, other trees fall down whenever there is a great storm. It tries to remain proud in its roots but becomes ultimately nothing whenever there is pressure or whenever nobody tends it while the bamboo lives on without man cultivating it or planting it. And the superior man is always like a bamboo. He does not need other people constantly reminding him of his greatness, but that he remains humble. In his fortune of earning wisdom, he becomes more and more humble. The inferior man however is like what Americans say, “Empty cans make a lot of noise”. They make all the fuss in the world because there is actually nothing to show.
I have read a few years ago in psychology that the inferior man likes to brag so much because there is something he wants to hide. It is often compared to making a pot. The potter would make the pot so magnificent but often times ignore the holes underneath it. The holes let the water leak through it and eventually become worthless. But the superior man is not like that. Although the superior man has imperfections, he maintains to not let it weaken his purpose for living or he makes it so that his imperfections are to his advantage.
The superior man for many Chinese philosophers is not materialistic or apathetic. He is a gentle man; a man worthy of respect. He goes on living his life and is remembered when he dies. But the superior man is even greater than that. He does his acts not because he wants to be remembered. He is not concerned about being known to many, but he is concerned about knowing a lot of people so he could help them and provide wisdom.
Chinese Philosophy A
“Confucius and the superior man”
During the time of Confucius, men and women were driven in fear of foreign invasion, poverty and confusion. Confucius and other Chinese philosophers sphere headed the philosophy of the Chinese. They initiated education instead of war.
For Confucius, as well as the Chinese, the superior man was not a question whether he was physically well and popular. For them, the superior man is a gentleman. His outlook on life is not a matter of whether people see how great he is, but that he acts and responds without fear of being left invisible.
“wealth and honor are what every man desires. But if they have been obtained in violation of moral principles, they must not be kept”1 Says Confucius in his analects. The goal of the Chinese was not that they had to get insanely popular. Their goal was to create harmony with nature, with superiors and with themselves. For them, money should never come first. It did not matter for them what man’s work was for as long as he did it with honor, dignity and passion. That would make the superior man.
“the superior man wants to be slow in words but diligent in action”2 says Confucius. In modern English terms, “words without actions are nothing”. Actions are more important especially if they lead to the betterment of others. The superior man is not like a peacock. The peacock has so many beautiful colors on its tail, but barely does anything. Man should not talk more about things; he should work or as Americans say, “walk the walk”.
“the superior man is dignified but not proud; the inferior man is proud but not dignified”3 . Dignified is different from proud. Dignified is an honor given by the people around him while pride is something self-given. Dignity for Confucius meant that the superior man did not need any self-recognition to accomplish anything. But the inferior man is proud because he constantly needs appreciation even if he’s the only one giving it to himself. For Confucius, being proud is not what a great man should do simply because it is only, “all in a day’s work”. A supplementary to this quote is when he said, “the superior man seeks (room for improvement or occasion to blame) in himself; the inferior man seeks it in others.”4
The superior man however is not just himself against the world. He is a respectful man thus gaining respect. In modern European language, there is a saying that says, “respect can never be demanded. It is given only if man deserves it”. The superior man concentrates on not gaining respect for himself only, but he concentrates on respecting others. He diligently examines himself on how to continually help others progress and incessantly tries to make harmony. If the superior man does not have harmony within his situation, he simply bends with it.
The Chinese have the principle also and they call it “the wise bamboo.” One of the reasons is that the bamboo bends whenever there is a great wind or storm but remains intact. It is constantly used for houses and irrigation systems, but it remains strong and elegant. For the Chinese, the superior man must be like the bamboo. It bends so that it won’t break.
In comparison to this, other trees fall down whenever there is a great storm. It tries to remain proud in its roots but becomes ultimately nothing whenever there is pressure or whenever nobody tends it while the bamboo lives on without man cultivating it or planting it. And the superior man is always like a bamboo. He does not need other people constantly reminding him of his greatness, but that he remains humble. In his fortune of earning wisdom, he becomes more and more humble. The inferior man however is like what Americans say, “Empty cans make a lot of noise”. They make all the fuss in the world because there is actually nothing to show.
I have read a few years ago in psychology that the inferior man likes to brag so much because there is something he wants to hide. It is often compared to making a pot. The potter would make the pot so magnificent but often times ignore the holes underneath it. The holes let the water leak through it and eventually become worthless. But the superior man is not like that. Although the superior man has imperfections, he maintains to not let it weaken his purpose for living or he makes it so that his imperfections are to his advantage.
The superior man for many Chinese philosophers is not materialistic or apathetic. He is a gentle man; a man worthy of respect. He goes on living his life and is remembered when he dies. But the superior man is even greater than that. He does his acts not because he wants to be remembered. He is not concerned about being known to many, but he is concerned about knowing a lot of people so he could help them and provide wisdom.
Friday, July 10, 2009
why i love wisdom
in the present situation, calculative thinking for Martin Heidegger is mostly used because it gives an almost immediate reward. he writes this in his memorial address where he mentioned the different kinds of thinking and why neither is more important, but rather both are complimentary to each other. for Heidegger, reflective thinking is crucial for man to become a grounded being. without grounds, man-like a plant- will wither within the slightest pressure of circumstance.
for sartre, freedom is not dependable on situation- regardless whether it is bad or good- but rather the latter is a product of freedom. this idea is often reiterated in ethics. because man is free, he has to make a choice. choice is a manifestation of both reason and freedom because an act always has to have an ultimate rational ground. if not, this action is merely a reaction, not a response.
in epistemology, ignorance is defined as "the absence of knowledge from a thing that is capable of possessing it." this term however is different from nescience or, the absence of knowledge from a thing that is not supposed to possess it." man cannot be a nescient being because he has the peculiarity of having reason. man is capable of thinking whether he tries to or not.
but among all these, philosophy explains love, freedom, self-determination, proper acting, proper thinking and reason. whenever a man tries not to think, the thinking about not thinking itself is a thought composed and grounded on a determined action.
but honestly, philosophy is a course that may not be studied as a proper subject. wisdom is not earned by how many degrees on has earned or the amount of awards one has recieved. but the fact is that wisdom is earned by humility and incessant self-deliberation and reflection. without each, one will never achieve wisdom.
i have noticed for some time that there have been many professors who forget that they are symbols of education and hope. some, rub their masters degree in the faces of the students who try to question their authority (or often times their grades). some, smoke right outside the premises of the school where every student can see them and that the school is an environment friendly academy. needless to say, it hasn't been exactly the ideal actions of a teacher.
more events have entered the school without our eyes touching the surface of the matter. the xavier scandal (featuring the engineering comfort room), the katrina-hayden scandal, the secret drinking sessions in stc building, the public display of affection behind the chapel, the seemingly uneducated students screaming inside the chapel are only few of the real atrocities happening daily.
for more than three years, every student has either not cared about these issues or cared a bit or cared too much about it. those who do not care about these incidents focus on their studies because it is what is reasonably important. those who care a bit about it keep the gossip alive. those who care too much about it either create a barrier to prevent students from seeing the reality of the situation or motivate students to be better than the danger that lies within the realm of truth.
to prevent the truth from coming out will only increase its production because of the power of curiosity. man has the capability to find ways around things. as a friend told me, "ang kanding gani na gi hiktan kai makabuhi, kana pa kahang tao na walay hikot". much to my surprise, this still applies to many schools and many young people.
all these are products of undeliberated actions. without thought, or even rethinking of actions, they will all lead to a dark directions. actions should not be grounded on feelings because feelings change. and change is always constant. but with a reason and with reason, there is a consistency and a correct path. there is nothing permanent in this world. anything permanent is a product of deception by the senses. but to think beyond these will lead us to a better, more stable future. without reason, there is no point in living a life at all.
how we should act is a matter of choice. choice is a by-product of freedom. but freedom is not to do whatever it is that is wanted by man. freedom is always accompanied by responsibility and constant reminder that others too are free. others are free to question, to breathe, to choose, to believe, to be silent, to escape, to not be tempted, to be a true person. and others should recognize this and not tempt themselves of not caring about what others will feel. for as long as we are living in a society, other people will forever affect our decisions. our task now is not to ignore their influence, but we must constantly recognize this in order to free ourselves from it.
for sartre, freedom is not dependable on situation- regardless whether it is bad or good- but rather the latter is a product of freedom. this idea is often reiterated in ethics. because man is free, he has to make a choice. choice is a manifestation of both reason and freedom because an act always has to have an ultimate rational ground. if not, this action is merely a reaction, not a response.
in epistemology, ignorance is defined as "the absence of knowledge from a thing that is capable of possessing it." this term however is different from nescience or, the absence of knowledge from a thing that is not supposed to possess it." man cannot be a nescient being because he has the peculiarity of having reason. man is capable of thinking whether he tries to or not.
but among all these, philosophy explains love, freedom, self-determination, proper acting, proper thinking and reason. whenever a man tries not to think, the thinking about not thinking itself is a thought composed and grounded on a determined action.
but honestly, philosophy is a course that may not be studied as a proper subject. wisdom is not earned by how many degrees on has earned or the amount of awards one has recieved. but the fact is that wisdom is earned by humility and incessant self-deliberation and reflection. without each, one will never achieve wisdom.
i have noticed for some time that there have been many professors who forget that they are symbols of education and hope. some, rub their masters degree in the faces of the students who try to question their authority (or often times their grades). some, smoke right outside the premises of the school where every student can see them and that the school is an environment friendly academy. needless to say, it hasn't been exactly the ideal actions of a teacher.
more events have entered the school without our eyes touching the surface of the matter. the xavier scandal (featuring the engineering comfort room), the katrina-hayden scandal, the secret drinking sessions in stc building, the public display of affection behind the chapel, the seemingly uneducated students screaming inside the chapel are only few of the real atrocities happening daily.
for more than three years, every student has either not cared about these issues or cared a bit or cared too much about it. those who do not care about these incidents focus on their studies because it is what is reasonably important. those who care a bit about it keep the gossip alive. those who care too much about it either create a barrier to prevent students from seeing the reality of the situation or motivate students to be better than the danger that lies within the realm of truth.
to prevent the truth from coming out will only increase its production because of the power of curiosity. man has the capability to find ways around things. as a friend told me, "ang kanding gani na gi hiktan kai makabuhi, kana pa kahang tao na walay hikot". much to my surprise, this still applies to many schools and many young people.
all these are products of undeliberated actions. without thought, or even rethinking of actions, they will all lead to a dark directions. actions should not be grounded on feelings because feelings change. and change is always constant. but with a reason and with reason, there is a consistency and a correct path. there is nothing permanent in this world. anything permanent is a product of deception by the senses. but to think beyond these will lead us to a better, more stable future. without reason, there is no point in living a life at all.
how we should act is a matter of choice. choice is a by-product of freedom. but freedom is not to do whatever it is that is wanted by man. freedom is always accompanied by responsibility and constant reminder that others too are free. others are free to question, to breathe, to choose, to believe, to be silent, to escape, to not be tempted, to be a true person. and others should recognize this and not tempt themselves of not caring about what others will feel. for as long as we are living in a society, other people will forever affect our decisions. our task now is not to ignore their influence, but we must constantly recognize this in order to free ourselves from it.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
silence is my sanctuary
just yesterday... and a bit today... i was silent. i only responded to questions which needed words. but to the rest, i just kept quiet and nodded. i sat there on my seat... feeling so sorry for myself.
well. it was really about st. bernard and st. eloise. i was so moved by their story but not so much on the love... but on the sacrifice. on any day... i'd betray God for any risky relationship. even on occassions when i know that it wouldn't work, i left God for men. and honestly, they never made me feel less emptier. but past will always be the past.
but yesterday... right after the story was relayed, i felt quiet and felt a divine presence. it was sort of what thomas aquinas experienced right before his death. the silence was very disturbingly peaceful. i was laughing so hard at my friend's response to the teacher, but after the laughter faded, i felt... silence.
it was simply wierd because i have always been noisy to the point that i annoy people. but yesterday was the first time that words became so useless. i felt a sorrow within my soul. it was as if i was mourning over something i lost. but it was so peaceful. i would speak, but it felt as though what i said became a blur. i spoke nothing... i could think of nothing to say. i just smiled to whoever called me but aside from that, kept myself in an isolated contemplation.
my friends made fun of me because they thought i was going to die just like aquinas did. i just remained smiling and kept myself seated. even when we prayed before the class, my words couldn't be heard. it was as if i became so empty that i became a soul-less person. i felt like a zombie.
everything around me became shallow and inconsistent. everything was insignificant. i wanted to be alone for a few moments. nobody would understand why... and to tell you honestly... neither could i. i just wanted to be quiet and enjoy the silence because that was when i realized... i had no true friends. and that... was my reason why i felt unpassionate with my course.
i walked alone through out the day without anyone asking me, "are you okay?" but even if they did, i wouldn't know what to answer. i just wanted to hear everyone, listen to them talk. i didn't want to talk at all.
although i have repeated several times in this blog about my situation, i feel nothing related to melancholy. in fact, i feel blessed. and honestly... i want to keep being quiet because i learn more. i become better by not trying at all.
i feel so much better now i have learned the art of silence.
well. it was really about st. bernard and st. eloise. i was so moved by their story but not so much on the love... but on the sacrifice. on any day... i'd betray God for any risky relationship. even on occassions when i know that it wouldn't work, i left God for men. and honestly, they never made me feel less emptier. but past will always be the past.
but yesterday... right after the story was relayed, i felt quiet and felt a divine presence. it was sort of what thomas aquinas experienced right before his death. the silence was very disturbingly peaceful. i was laughing so hard at my friend's response to the teacher, but after the laughter faded, i felt... silence.
it was simply wierd because i have always been noisy to the point that i annoy people. but yesterday was the first time that words became so useless. i felt a sorrow within my soul. it was as if i was mourning over something i lost. but it was so peaceful. i would speak, but it felt as though what i said became a blur. i spoke nothing... i could think of nothing to say. i just smiled to whoever called me but aside from that, kept myself in an isolated contemplation.
my friends made fun of me because they thought i was going to die just like aquinas did. i just remained smiling and kept myself seated. even when we prayed before the class, my words couldn't be heard. it was as if i became so empty that i became a soul-less person. i felt like a zombie.
everything around me became shallow and inconsistent. everything was insignificant. i wanted to be alone for a few moments. nobody would understand why... and to tell you honestly... neither could i. i just wanted to be quiet and enjoy the silence because that was when i realized... i had no true friends. and that... was my reason why i felt unpassionate with my course.
i walked alone through out the day without anyone asking me, "are you okay?" but even if they did, i wouldn't know what to answer. i just wanted to hear everyone, listen to them talk. i didn't want to talk at all.
although i have repeated several times in this blog about my situation, i feel nothing related to melancholy. in fact, i feel blessed. and honestly... i want to keep being quiet because i learn more. i become better by not trying at all.
i feel so much better now i have learned the art of silence.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
my new... busy life
i know i haven't been the best of myself lately. i haven't managed to blog until now. at this very moment (perhaps even as you read it), i am studying for my 6 subjects. but among all that i failed to do, i have managed to insult people anyway. so really, i haven't failed at all. much to my demise, it was something i have constantly tried to change about myself.
i was sitting at a kiosk near the chapel. it was the best place to sit at because everyone was studying and they were all very respectful. that was until this idiot came by the kiosk.
"yawa kaayo si gerard! naligo lang kog singot sa wala!" he cussed loudly. i was striken by the sentence not because he mentioned a devil, but because he was in school and he acted like a barbarian. i thought that it would be over. so i read again my book on obligations and contracts so i would be able to pass if ever i would be called for oral recitation.
"yawa!" he screamed repeatedly. i slammed my book down and said, "excuse me"
apparently, he didn't hear me. so i said again, "excuse me!" but he ignored me again. it was his classmate who noticed my slight anger who called his attention. but still he ignored the call.
"kinahanglan jud lugar magsinggit2?" i screamed in reply. his friends stopped laughing and warned him. i swear, if he didn't back down from cursing so much, i would have given him something to really curse about.
but when i rested my head for a while, i saw my classmate before. she was awfully, intellectually challenged. the answer was right in front of her, but still she would not know the answer. in my reaction to her presence, i grunted, "naa napod na xa."
my friend claire and a stranger turned their heads to her direction and asked why. then i had to open my mouth.
"nagtuo najud ko na naay tao na bugok tungod nya. she's so damn stupid. gihatag na nako ang books a month before. i gave her the term paper in advanced, but then she still didn't know the answer! i was so mad because it was the defense of the paper. i had to cut her everytime she spoke just so she could save herself from embarrassment. she's pretty. but really... she didn't do anything for the paper because she couldn't type the paper for the both of us because she couldn't even produce a simple sentence. i did all of the work and all she had to do was read the references and the paper itself."
but then when i was in law, i realized i said the wrong things. i had no right to call her stupid. i had no right to talk about her that badly. and yes, i'm so super sorry when i said those things. she might have been stupid on certain aspects, but not on others which are yet to be discovered. and if i had a moment to change exactly what i said, i would. i never meant to hurt her whether she knew about what i said or not.
as i left law, i saw antoin and asked him whether i was wrong. he said no because she was asking for it. she's pretty, she had to give more. she was stupid because she really didn't do what she needed to do. but that was according to him. i couldn't remember any other time when i felt like, even if the jury agreed that i was innocent, i remained guilty. this is when conscience really bites.
i've been so super confident with myself that i stepped on other people. i've tried incessantly to change. i love some versions of me. but this version of me is not good. it's not what is best for everyone. i can't hurt people anymore. and i have to start now.
alongside that, i have to read mountains of essays and books. and this is my schedule until august.
mondays-wednesdays-fridays
8:30-9:20 philo 63
9:30-10:20 philo 44
10:30-11:30 ph 54
11:30-12:30 LUNCH
12:30-1:00 review
1:00-1:50 philo 30
2:00-2:30 relax
2:30-3:45 review/ homework
4:00-6:00 rehearsal
6:30-7:00 dinner
7:00-7:30 net
7:30-9:00 study
tuesdays-thursdays
6:00 wake up
6:00-6:30 net
6:30-7:00 breakfast
7:00-11:00 study
11:00-12:00 lunch
12:00-1:00 ready
1:00-2:00 review
2:20-2:50 review (school)
2:50-4:00 philo 57
4:00- 5:30 review for law
5:40-7:00 Law 1
7:00-7:30 relax/ go home
8:00-9:00 study
this is how i am to live in the next two months.
i was sitting at a kiosk near the chapel. it was the best place to sit at because everyone was studying and they were all very respectful. that was until this idiot came by the kiosk.
"yawa kaayo si gerard! naligo lang kog singot sa wala!" he cussed loudly. i was striken by the sentence not because he mentioned a devil, but because he was in school and he acted like a barbarian. i thought that it would be over. so i read again my book on obligations and contracts so i would be able to pass if ever i would be called for oral recitation.
"yawa!" he screamed repeatedly. i slammed my book down and said, "excuse me"
apparently, he didn't hear me. so i said again, "excuse me!" but he ignored me again. it was his classmate who noticed my slight anger who called his attention. but still he ignored the call.
"kinahanglan jud lugar magsinggit2?" i screamed in reply. his friends stopped laughing and warned him. i swear, if he didn't back down from cursing so much, i would have given him something to really curse about.
but when i rested my head for a while, i saw my classmate before. she was awfully, intellectually challenged. the answer was right in front of her, but still she would not know the answer. in my reaction to her presence, i grunted, "naa napod na xa."
my friend claire and a stranger turned their heads to her direction and asked why. then i had to open my mouth.
"nagtuo najud ko na naay tao na bugok tungod nya. she's so damn stupid. gihatag na nako ang books a month before. i gave her the term paper in advanced, but then she still didn't know the answer! i was so mad because it was the defense of the paper. i had to cut her everytime she spoke just so she could save herself from embarrassment. she's pretty. but really... she didn't do anything for the paper because she couldn't type the paper for the both of us because she couldn't even produce a simple sentence. i did all of the work and all she had to do was read the references and the paper itself."
but then when i was in law, i realized i said the wrong things. i had no right to call her stupid. i had no right to talk about her that badly. and yes, i'm so super sorry when i said those things. she might have been stupid on certain aspects, but not on others which are yet to be discovered. and if i had a moment to change exactly what i said, i would. i never meant to hurt her whether she knew about what i said or not.
as i left law, i saw antoin and asked him whether i was wrong. he said no because she was asking for it. she's pretty, she had to give more. she was stupid because she really didn't do what she needed to do. but that was according to him. i couldn't remember any other time when i felt like, even if the jury agreed that i was innocent, i remained guilty. this is when conscience really bites.
i've been so super confident with myself that i stepped on other people. i've tried incessantly to change. i love some versions of me. but this version of me is not good. it's not what is best for everyone. i can't hurt people anymore. and i have to start now.
alongside that, i have to read mountains of essays and books. and this is my schedule until august.
mondays-wednesdays-fridays
8:30-9:20 philo 63
9:30-10:20 philo 44
10:30-11:30 ph 54
11:30-12:30 LUNCH
12:30-1:00 review
1:00-1:50 philo 30
2:00-2:30 relax
2:30-3:45 review/ homework
4:00-6:00 rehearsal
6:30-7:00 dinner
7:00-7:30 net
7:30-9:00 study
tuesdays-thursdays
6:00 wake up
6:00-6:30 net
6:30-7:00 breakfast
7:00-11:00 study
11:00-12:00 lunch
12:00-1:00 ready
1:00-2:00 review
2:20-2:50 review (school)
2:50-4:00 philo 57
4:00- 5:30 review for law
5:40-7:00 Law 1
7:00-7:30 relax/ go home
8:00-9:00 study
this is how i am to live in the next two months.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
dawn and i.
“I wonder when we’ll ever do that” she said while her breast was sucked by her son.
“we were supposed to do it before you disappeared on me” said hazel as she removed her glasses that were clinging on her nose.
“I’m so sorry about that. I just thought it was unfair on your part” she said. Her child blinked lazily; unaware about the brevity of the situation.
“why?” asked hazel. Breathing slowly and bracing her self for the answer as she slouched back on the couch.
“because I have him” she pointed to her son who fell asleep. He savored the milk on his lips and followed his sleepiness. They both kept quiet for a while. Hazel sat there and thought of ways to tell her how it wasn’t that.
“it was fine with me.” She said. She put back her eyeglasses and looked at her with a comforting smile.
“honestly?” she asked in return as if to wash away the doubt in her mind.
“honestly” she affirmed. She unzipped her bag and opened another discussion about their friends and their beauty pageant days. As the exchanges of laughter and gossip fluttered, hazel noticed how much things have managed to change. Dawn, on the other hand, thought that she hazel moved on and she continued pretending that they were only what they had always been; friends.
Hazel kept her smile on her face, wishing she could bring to the surface the words, “I need you”. but like dawn, pride took what was left of her. as they sat there talking and inserting a few laughs here and there, night began to creep over the city and hazel decided to leave.
“please come back next Saturday” begged Dawn as hazel smiled and nodded her head promisingly.
“we were supposed to do it before you disappeared on me” said hazel as she removed her glasses that were clinging on her nose.
“I’m so sorry about that. I just thought it was unfair on your part” she said. Her child blinked lazily; unaware about the brevity of the situation.
“why?” asked hazel. Breathing slowly and bracing her self for the answer as she slouched back on the couch.
“because I have him” she pointed to her son who fell asleep. He savored the milk on his lips and followed his sleepiness. They both kept quiet for a while. Hazel sat there and thought of ways to tell her how it wasn’t that.
“it was fine with me.” She said. She put back her eyeglasses and looked at her with a comforting smile.
“honestly?” she asked in return as if to wash away the doubt in her mind.
“honestly” she affirmed. She unzipped her bag and opened another discussion about their friends and their beauty pageant days. As the exchanges of laughter and gossip fluttered, hazel noticed how much things have managed to change. Dawn, on the other hand, thought that she hazel moved on and she continued pretending that they were only what they had always been; friends.
Hazel kept her smile on her face, wishing she could bring to the surface the words, “I need you”. but like dawn, pride took what was left of her. as they sat there talking and inserting a few laughs here and there, night began to creep over the city and hazel decided to leave.
“please come back next Saturday” begged Dawn as hazel smiled and nodded her head promisingly.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
the second day of school
it would be tempting for me to blog about the disaster which was my first day of school. but the second day is always the best. it is the unappreciated day. it is often the anti-climax of any story. but for me, it is always the best day to talk about. the realizations are fresh and matured. the emotions of excitement and anxiety have expired and there is nothing left but a memory of a day that made me realize that i was getting smarter and i was a year closer to becoming a person of profession.
on my second day, i could say, i'd love to switch it with the first. the second day was relaxed yet it gave me a huge tug on my gut because of all the requirements i was required of. it was the feeling that i could no longer procastinate that ensured me that i was no longer a child. i was just starting to feel like a philosophy student.
it started with waking up early for an 8:30 class at my favorite classroom. it was in agriculture, room 401. that room was very special to me. it used to be my formation room and of course, it was in that very room i had met jafe. the seats were still arranged the way we left them almost two years ago. i was only 17 then, but the feeling of being in that room was still the same until now. although my classmates have changed, but it was the longing that she might just come around to say, "nakabuhat nakag reaction paper?"
sitting there at the front row, i told myself to get over it. i was in that room for learning, not memories. i was not in that room for nostalgia. but as soon as my professor came in through the door, every trace of happiness escaped my face and it turned into a serious mask. i could not allow mr. tangara to ask me why i was smiling except if he knew i was smiling about being in class.
in the following classes, it passed me by like the familiar lazy blurr i always saw when i was still hung over from a certain drug called, forlorness. something was supposed to be there, but it wasn't anymore. something was still supposed to be with me, but it couldn't. somethings weren't supposed to change. but as i climbed down the ramp of student center building, i had to find the right words to tell myself that the first day of school never happened.
that day, i was walking with jmark. i told him i was going to tell her on my birthday and he told me not to. he said that if it was going to do anything, it would only break whatever little we had. we weren't even close friends, but i was sure to break that small string of bond if i told her. but as soon as we parted near commerce building, he told me secretly that rose was with her. as she screamed my name in the traffic of people, i pretended not to hear her. but i looked back to see who was with her and whether it was true, i found it too late to pretend to not hear them.
i put my arms around rose and wanted to strangle her. she knew how much i didn't want to see her again. i just didn't want the feelings anymore. i just couldn't afford any delay. but as my arms were wrapped around rose, her eyes sparked and her smile sliced through. i could not move or breathe. but i regained sanity prematurely and walked up the stairs to my room for Law. i came to a sudden realization that jmark was right. if it was going to do anything, it would only ruin my dignity as a person and her worth too. she'd most probably feel insulted.
i went by the department earlier that day, i was offered a job as stage manager in a huge production. i took the offer without hesitation. in the department, i saw bridgette. i was still disturbed by her presence. but i knew those feelings were about aian again. i still remember him holding her hand as they passed by my table in the cafeteria. i still remember that huge disappointment i felt. but now, the feelings i had against her were only because she had the power then to make me feel so small.
i didn't want to enter the department for any reason except mrs. rivera or sir tangara. i didn't want people to expect me to be human and educated at the same time. i didn't know how to talk and what to talk about in that department. they were all so philosophical that i could not reach them with the little knowledge i have. all i could provide in that prison were questions they never satisfactorily answer.
but after the job offer, the moment i got home, i opened the topic with my dad. i told him that i was offered a job. he got mad and told me i was selfish. he told me i was greedy. i told him it was nothing like that. i just wanted to make something of myself with whatever gift i had. i told him it was unfair how he cuffed me down to whatever it is he wanted me to be. but he disdained me by telling me he would give me 3 thousand if that was all i wanted from the job. i told him that i didn't want him to give me that money, i wanted to work for it. i wanted to know if i was good enough to be paid for. those things i wanted, a father could never provide. all he needed to do was give me a little trust and freedom, but he decided to call me a selfish person. i punched the window and told him, "listen to me damn it!" but he tore after the door and punched me in the face three times. with each mighty blow, i could feel myself getting numb with disgust and hate. painful drops of tears trickled down my face and i only hated him more. my mother came in and told me "mirisi!" as well as my sister.
"kamo ang selfish. tanan ninyo problema, akoy ga atubang. unsa inyo hinain kai akoy cgeg paminaw. tao ra ko! kapuyan sad ko! tapos karon na kani lang ako gipangayo kai dili ninyo mahatag? ngano? asa ko nagkulang sakong pagka anak sa inyo?"
my mother sermoned over and over like a broken record as my sister second voiced "abi kaha niyag maau xa paminawon. maau rbag naa na siyay na graduatan." incessantly. i had to scream at her to shut up because i wanted to listen to my mother. but she only hit me in the face. as usual, she was right.
i never did understood why my sister always hated me. and i never understood why i was her little slave. whatever it was she wanted, i had to give it. and i had no right to talk back or tell her to stop. i had no freedom.
but during the second day, i realized that freedom isn't something i had to get from them. it had always been with me. all i needed to know were the choices and i needed to know what i really wanted. and that afternoon, i went with my gut and took the acting proposition and the stage managing job. neither my parents nor my sisters were involved in my decision. this is my life, and i choose what is best for me... for once.
going back to school, my father tried to talk to me. but i had run out of respect and love and ignored him. i went out of the car without a sound of complain or hurt. i just had to stiffen my upper lip nomatter how painful it was to do so. i had to be strong for myself.
going to the kiosk near the chapel, i was rummaging through my bag for a book. i could not find which one i needed at the moment. as soon as i got to where my friend tyron was waiting near the chapel, that was when i found the book i needed and that was when i noticed eric coming.
"bei. kumusta naman?" he asked. i felt uneasy with him. i didn't want to talk to him anymore. i realized it was so unfair of him to only listen to the bassist in our band. it was unfair how he only had the right to choose what to play because all the songs we chose were songs his voice couldn't compete with. he barely even had a voice to begin with. i wanted to tell him those things. i wanted to tell him that i had a better voice than him but that i felt like we were only his band, not our band. we weren't a band.
when he told us that we were going to poetry read for our general assembly performance, he took the whole cake. we weren't that famous yet! we were just fresh wannabe rockstars. we had to play songs that everyone knew and everyone could tap their feet to. then when we were super famous, that was the time to throw whatever we wanted to. but then he said, "i noticed that the people in davao liked it during our workshop." unknown to him, the difference with his experience and mine were the audience. they determine our fate. the people in his mediocre workshop were literary people. of course they would understand what the hell was going on. but the people in cagayan are more of the music and familiarity. but as usual, he silenced my opinion all because our bassist could do it.
so when he asked me "kumusta?" i just replied, "eric, i quit."
"you quit? philosophy?" he asked. i knew that he knew what i was talking about.
"no. i quit the band."
"ngano man?" he worriedly asked.
"i have alot of things to do. i realized that my grades were more important." i lied. in fact, it had nothing to do with my grades. it had to do with him in general.
"ahw sige. ikaw gud" he sadly replied. and me and tyron walked off to our next class which was ethics.
it was the little things like those that altogether made me feel so much better. it was my choices to either sustain myself or to regain myself out of all the things i felt. i was struck down, but i knew it was something i wanted. i had to make a choice between what i wanted, and what everyone else wanted.
sometimes, the hardest choice to make is between what is right and what makes us happy. between jafe and me, between my father and i, between my life dream and the impediments, between my self recognition and the risk of losing it and most of all, freedom and when to apply it. freedom is never given by anyone, it is something we always have. but the courage to choose remains as something we have to muster or forget about.
thus ends my dilemmas.
on my second day, i could say, i'd love to switch it with the first. the second day was relaxed yet it gave me a huge tug on my gut because of all the requirements i was required of. it was the feeling that i could no longer procastinate that ensured me that i was no longer a child. i was just starting to feel like a philosophy student.
it started with waking up early for an 8:30 class at my favorite classroom. it was in agriculture, room 401. that room was very special to me. it used to be my formation room and of course, it was in that very room i had met jafe. the seats were still arranged the way we left them almost two years ago. i was only 17 then, but the feeling of being in that room was still the same until now. although my classmates have changed, but it was the longing that she might just come around to say, "nakabuhat nakag reaction paper?"
sitting there at the front row, i told myself to get over it. i was in that room for learning, not memories. i was not in that room for nostalgia. but as soon as my professor came in through the door, every trace of happiness escaped my face and it turned into a serious mask. i could not allow mr. tangara to ask me why i was smiling except if he knew i was smiling about being in class.
in the following classes, it passed me by like the familiar lazy blurr i always saw when i was still hung over from a certain drug called, forlorness. something was supposed to be there, but it wasn't anymore. something was still supposed to be with me, but it couldn't. somethings weren't supposed to change. but as i climbed down the ramp of student center building, i had to find the right words to tell myself that the first day of school never happened.
that day, i was walking with jmark. i told him i was going to tell her on my birthday and he told me not to. he said that if it was going to do anything, it would only break whatever little we had. we weren't even close friends, but i was sure to break that small string of bond if i told her. but as soon as we parted near commerce building, he told me secretly that rose was with her. as she screamed my name in the traffic of people, i pretended not to hear her. but i looked back to see who was with her and whether it was true, i found it too late to pretend to not hear them.
i put my arms around rose and wanted to strangle her. she knew how much i didn't want to see her again. i just didn't want the feelings anymore. i just couldn't afford any delay. but as my arms were wrapped around rose, her eyes sparked and her smile sliced through. i could not move or breathe. but i regained sanity prematurely and walked up the stairs to my room for Law. i came to a sudden realization that jmark was right. if it was going to do anything, it would only ruin my dignity as a person and her worth too. she'd most probably feel insulted.
i went by the department earlier that day, i was offered a job as stage manager in a huge production. i took the offer without hesitation. in the department, i saw bridgette. i was still disturbed by her presence. but i knew those feelings were about aian again. i still remember him holding her hand as they passed by my table in the cafeteria. i still remember that huge disappointment i felt. but now, the feelings i had against her were only because she had the power then to make me feel so small.
i didn't want to enter the department for any reason except mrs. rivera or sir tangara. i didn't want people to expect me to be human and educated at the same time. i didn't know how to talk and what to talk about in that department. they were all so philosophical that i could not reach them with the little knowledge i have. all i could provide in that prison were questions they never satisfactorily answer.
but after the job offer, the moment i got home, i opened the topic with my dad. i told him that i was offered a job. he got mad and told me i was selfish. he told me i was greedy. i told him it was nothing like that. i just wanted to make something of myself with whatever gift i had. i told him it was unfair how he cuffed me down to whatever it is he wanted me to be. but he disdained me by telling me he would give me 3 thousand if that was all i wanted from the job. i told him that i didn't want him to give me that money, i wanted to work for it. i wanted to know if i was good enough to be paid for. those things i wanted, a father could never provide. all he needed to do was give me a little trust and freedom, but he decided to call me a selfish person. i punched the window and told him, "listen to me damn it!" but he tore after the door and punched me in the face three times. with each mighty blow, i could feel myself getting numb with disgust and hate. painful drops of tears trickled down my face and i only hated him more. my mother came in and told me "mirisi!" as well as my sister.
"kamo ang selfish. tanan ninyo problema, akoy ga atubang. unsa inyo hinain kai akoy cgeg paminaw. tao ra ko! kapuyan sad ko! tapos karon na kani lang ako gipangayo kai dili ninyo mahatag? ngano? asa ko nagkulang sakong pagka anak sa inyo?"
my mother sermoned over and over like a broken record as my sister second voiced "abi kaha niyag maau xa paminawon. maau rbag naa na siyay na graduatan." incessantly. i had to scream at her to shut up because i wanted to listen to my mother. but she only hit me in the face. as usual, she was right.
i never did understood why my sister always hated me. and i never understood why i was her little slave. whatever it was she wanted, i had to give it. and i had no right to talk back or tell her to stop. i had no freedom.
but during the second day, i realized that freedom isn't something i had to get from them. it had always been with me. all i needed to know were the choices and i needed to know what i really wanted. and that afternoon, i went with my gut and took the acting proposition and the stage managing job. neither my parents nor my sisters were involved in my decision. this is my life, and i choose what is best for me... for once.
going back to school, my father tried to talk to me. but i had run out of respect and love and ignored him. i went out of the car without a sound of complain or hurt. i just had to stiffen my upper lip nomatter how painful it was to do so. i had to be strong for myself.
going to the kiosk near the chapel, i was rummaging through my bag for a book. i could not find which one i needed at the moment. as soon as i got to where my friend tyron was waiting near the chapel, that was when i found the book i needed and that was when i noticed eric coming.
"bei. kumusta naman?" he asked. i felt uneasy with him. i didn't want to talk to him anymore. i realized it was so unfair of him to only listen to the bassist in our band. it was unfair how he only had the right to choose what to play because all the songs we chose were songs his voice couldn't compete with. he barely even had a voice to begin with. i wanted to tell him those things. i wanted to tell him that i had a better voice than him but that i felt like we were only his band, not our band. we weren't a band.
when he told us that we were going to poetry read for our general assembly performance, he took the whole cake. we weren't that famous yet! we were just fresh wannabe rockstars. we had to play songs that everyone knew and everyone could tap their feet to. then when we were super famous, that was the time to throw whatever we wanted to. but then he said, "i noticed that the people in davao liked it during our workshop." unknown to him, the difference with his experience and mine were the audience. they determine our fate. the people in his mediocre workshop were literary people. of course they would understand what the hell was going on. but the people in cagayan are more of the music and familiarity. but as usual, he silenced my opinion all because our bassist could do it.
so when he asked me "kumusta?" i just replied, "eric, i quit."
"you quit? philosophy?" he asked. i knew that he knew what i was talking about.
"no. i quit the band."
"ngano man?" he worriedly asked.
"i have alot of things to do. i realized that my grades were more important." i lied. in fact, it had nothing to do with my grades. it had to do with him in general.
"ahw sige. ikaw gud" he sadly replied. and me and tyron walked off to our next class which was ethics.
it was the little things like those that altogether made me feel so much better. it was my choices to either sustain myself or to regain myself out of all the things i felt. i was struck down, but i knew it was something i wanted. i had to make a choice between what i wanted, and what everyone else wanted.
sometimes, the hardest choice to make is between what is right and what makes us happy. between jafe and me, between my father and i, between my life dream and the impediments, between my self recognition and the risk of losing it and most of all, freedom and when to apply it. freedom is never given by anyone, it is something we always have. but the courage to choose remains as something we have to muster or forget about.
thus ends my dilemmas.
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