happy birthday blog

tossing and turning in my bed, i found myself stuck in between wanting to sleep and the inability to do so. it was not because of my excitement because it would be my birthday in just a few hours nor was it because i had a person on my mind. i was just in a point when i didn't know why i was still awake. and the worst part is that, a song just kept ringing incessantly in my ear.

these were the only a few lines i could not stop hearing from the song: not drunk enough by adele:

"'cuz you and me, we're through"
"even when i had too much, i still feel your touch"
"i want to see you, but i don't want you to see me"

during the months of january and february, it couldn't have been anything less than hell. it was a time of great depression, a desperate call for sanity, and it was the first time in my life when i was walking on the line between sanity and irrationality. it was a time my heart was shattered into a billion, miniscule pieces.

but then, when march came and the cause of my dementia did not come back, i decided to move one with whatever little i had left. i had failed in almost all my subjects. i lost all interest in even eating and sleeping. going on the net and surfing was a great torture. the only thing i could feel like doing was drinking. i thought it would help me erase, at least for a moment, the memory he managed to carve inside my mind. but then i realized that nobody was going to help me move on unless i decide to do it myself. he wasn't coming back even if i killed myself. that was a fact i had to face.

upon looking back, i realized that a great deal about me has changed. besides habit-wise, i found myself to be a bit more grateful than the old self. for one, i won't have to deal with any more heart aches from constantly being accused of infidelity. i won't have anything holding me back when i want to read a book or go to the mall. i won't have to be constantly aware of what i have to say in fear that it might disappoint someone. i won't have to beat up my brains just to understand a boy whose vocabulary is only 20 words. i won't have to feel betrayed or insulted when he makes me the laughing stock. and i certainly won't have to throw away my dream of going to the states just because some "boy" will feel hurt.

i've got two words for boys who do that: "damn you"

when a man loves a woman, he won't hold her back from anything she puts her mind to. instead, he steps up and helps her accomplish whatever it is she feels is right for her even if it means to remove himself from the picture. but when a boy loves a woman... that is a whole other scenario.

the reason why i related my ex with my birthday is because he managed to ruin my last birthday and i still forgave him for that. and right now that i'm turning 19, i am truly saying goodbye to his memory.

right now? i don't know whether the relationship i am in is going to work out or not. i'm not even sure if he's "the one" or not. but i'm certain of one thing, as of this moment, he loves me like a man should. and for that, i am forever grateful.

i am grateful because as early as now, i have found my true friends. i came to this realization when i walked down memory lane with a friend. we talked about her best friends and their monotonous lives while she and i dealt with the change in our lives and appreciated the imperfections in life. although i doubt whether she agreed with the thought when i called her friends stupid, i have to say i am grateful for them anyway.

without stupid people, i would never be aware of what i want to achieve in life. i would never be able to know what i want to become and what i don't want to become. i certainly like being adored, but if it means to risk my intellect just to be appreciated well then, no thanks. i'd rather be hated for who i am than being loved for who i am not.

trying to count my blessings is one of the hardest things for me to do. i don't know exactly when i started feeling satisfied when i felt sorry for myself, but i'm pretty sure i've gone past that now. i'm just so tired of being angry all the time. it's like waiting for rain in the middle of a drought: useless and disappointing. from that, i must lift myself and turn away from the draining emotions. i must change.

to change perhaps, like what the great Sartre has repeated in his books, is a choice. to move on or to stay behind, to love or to not love, to be surrounded or to be alone is a matter of perspective ultimately lead by a decision. the grounds for that choice however is also a choice.

everyone knows that there are two places where a woman thinks. half her mind is up in her head where she calculates, meditates and rationalizes everything. the other part is her heart where she keeps love, hurt, passion, lust and curiousity. for boys, it is not exactly the same thing.

half their brain is in their head for the same purpose as women. but the other half of their mind is stuck with their penis. graphic, but true... i declare it to be true. that is the reason why sometimes men and women understand each other while other times they don't. but when a boy knows when to departmentalize his thirst for sexual activity and knows his responsibility, then he becomes a man.

i'm just so grateful for the changes in my life. i'm glad because God took away everything from me so i could realize that he's what i need after all. he stripped everything off of me. he stripped away the love of my life because i was headed for a huge mistake i would regret years later. he stripped away my friends who were not intellectually stimulating because i would not become a better person with them. he stripped away my sanity to make me realize how far i have derailed myself from the actual, correct path. he stripped away my intelligence to help me realize that i cannot do things on my own. i need him.

and for that... i just can't believe i'm turning nineteen in the next hour. i just can't believe that i'm still alive. after how many accidents i've survived, how many sins i have committed, how many times i've hurt others, God still gave me another year. for sure, he gave it to me because he wants me to undo the things i have done. if not that, he wants me to do the things no other person will dare to do.