silence is my sanctuary

just yesterday... and a bit today... i was silent. i only responded to questions which needed words. but to the rest, i just kept quiet and nodded. i sat there on my seat... feeling so sorry for myself.

well. it was really about st. bernard and st. eloise. i was so moved by their story but not so much on the love... but on the sacrifice. on any day... i'd betray God for any risky relationship. even on occassions when i know that it wouldn't work, i left God for men. and honestly, they never made me feel less emptier. but past will always be the past.

but yesterday... right after the story was relayed, i felt quiet and felt a divine presence. it was sort of what thomas aquinas experienced right before his death. the silence was very disturbingly peaceful. i was laughing so hard at my friend's response to the teacher, but after the laughter faded, i felt... silence.

it was simply wierd because i have always been noisy to the point that i annoy people. but yesterday was the first time that words became so useless. i felt a sorrow within my soul. it was as if i was mourning over something i lost. but it was so peaceful. i would speak, but it felt as though what i said became a blur. i spoke nothing... i could think of nothing to say. i just smiled to whoever called me but aside from that, kept myself in an isolated contemplation.

my friends made fun of me because they thought i was going to die just like aquinas did. i just remained smiling and kept myself seated. even when we prayed before the class, my words couldn't be heard. it was as if i became so empty that i became a soul-less person. i felt like a zombie.

everything around me became shallow and inconsistent. everything was insignificant. i wanted to be alone for a few moments. nobody would understand why... and to tell you honestly... neither could i. i just wanted to be quiet and enjoy the silence because that was when i realized... i had no true friends. and that... was my reason why i felt unpassionate with my course.

i walked alone through out the day without anyone asking me, "are you okay?" but even if they did, i wouldn't know what to answer. i just wanted to hear everyone, listen to them talk. i didn't want to talk at all.

although i have repeated several times in this blog about my situation, i feel nothing related to melancholy. in fact, i feel blessed. and honestly... i want to keep being quiet because i learn more. i become better by not trying at all.

i feel so much better now i have learned the art of silence.