i know i haven't been the best of myself lately. i haven't managed to blog until now. at this very moment (perhaps even as you read it), i am studying for my 6 subjects. but among all that i failed to do, i have managed to insult people anyway. so really, i haven't failed at all. much to my demise, it was something i have constantly tried to change about myself.
i was sitting at a kiosk near the chapel. it was the best place to sit at because everyone was studying and they were all very respectful. that was until this idiot came by the kiosk.
"yawa kaayo si gerard! naligo lang kog singot sa wala!" he cussed loudly. i was striken by the sentence not because he mentioned a devil, but because he was in school and he acted like a barbarian. i thought that it would be over. so i read again my book on obligations and contracts so i would be able to pass if ever i would be called for oral recitation.
"yawa!" he screamed repeatedly. i slammed my book down and said, "excuse me"
apparently, he didn't hear me. so i said again, "excuse me!" but he ignored me again. it was his classmate who noticed my slight anger who called his attention. but still he ignored the call.
"kinahanglan jud lugar magsinggit2?" i screamed in reply. his friends stopped laughing and warned him. i swear, if he didn't back down from cursing so much, i would have given him something to really curse about.
but when i rested my head for a while, i saw my classmate before. she was awfully, intellectually challenged. the answer was right in front of her, but still she would not know the answer. in my reaction to her presence, i grunted, "naa napod na xa."
my friend claire and a stranger turned their heads to her direction and asked why. then i had to open my mouth.
"nagtuo najud ko na naay tao na bugok tungod nya. she's so damn stupid. gihatag na nako ang books a month before. i gave her the term paper in advanced, but then she still didn't know the answer! i was so mad because it was the defense of the paper. i had to cut her everytime she spoke just so she could save herself from embarrassment. she's pretty. but really... she didn't do anything for the paper because she couldn't type the paper for the both of us because she couldn't even produce a simple sentence. i did all of the work and all she had to do was read the references and the paper itself."
but then when i was in law, i realized i said the wrong things. i had no right to call her stupid. i had no right to talk about her that badly. and yes, i'm so super sorry when i said those things. she might have been stupid on certain aspects, but not on others which are yet to be discovered. and if i had a moment to change exactly what i said, i would. i never meant to hurt her whether she knew about what i said or not.
as i left law, i saw antoin and asked him whether i was wrong. he said no because she was asking for it. she's pretty, she had to give more. she was stupid because she really didn't do what she needed to do. but that was according to him. i couldn't remember any other time when i felt like, even if the jury agreed that i was innocent, i remained guilty. this is when conscience really bites.
i've been so super confident with myself that i stepped on other people. i've tried incessantly to change. i love some versions of me. but this version of me is not good. it's not what is best for everyone. i can't hurt people anymore. and i have to start now.
alongside that, i have to read mountains of essays and books. and this is my schedule until august.
mondays-wednesdays-fridays
8:30-9:20 philo 63
9:30-10:20 philo 44
10:30-11:30 ph 54
11:30-12:30 LUNCH
12:30-1:00 review
1:00-1:50 philo 30
2:00-2:30 relax
2:30-3:45 review/ homework
4:00-6:00 rehearsal
6:30-7:00 dinner
7:00-7:30 net
7:30-9:00 study
tuesdays-thursdays
6:00 wake up
6:00-6:30 net
6:30-7:00 breakfast
7:00-11:00 study
11:00-12:00 lunch
12:00-1:00 ready
1:00-2:00 review
2:20-2:50 review (school)
2:50-4:00 philo 57
4:00- 5:30 review for law
5:40-7:00 Law 1
7:00-7:30 relax/ go home
8:00-9:00 study
this is how i am to live in the next two months.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
dawn and i.
“I wonder when we’ll ever do that” she said while her breast was sucked by her son.
“we were supposed to do it before you disappeared on me” said hazel as she removed her glasses that were clinging on her nose.
“I’m so sorry about that. I just thought it was unfair on your part” she said. Her child blinked lazily; unaware about the brevity of the situation.
“why?” asked hazel. Breathing slowly and bracing her self for the answer as she slouched back on the couch.
“because I have him” she pointed to her son who fell asleep. He savored the milk on his lips and followed his sleepiness. They both kept quiet for a while. Hazel sat there and thought of ways to tell her how it wasn’t that.
“it was fine with me.” She said. She put back her eyeglasses and looked at her with a comforting smile.
“honestly?” she asked in return as if to wash away the doubt in her mind.
“honestly” she affirmed. She unzipped her bag and opened another discussion about their friends and their beauty pageant days. As the exchanges of laughter and gossip fluttered, hazel noticed how much things have managed to change. Dawn, on the other hand, thought that she hazel moved on and she continued pretending that they were only what they had always been; friends.
Hazel kept her smile on her face, wishing she could bring to the surface the words, “I need you”. but like dawn, pride took what was left of her. as they sat there talking and inserting a few laughs here and there, night began to creep over the city and hazel decided to leave.
“please come back next Saturday” begged Dawn as hazel smiled and nodded her head promisingly.
“we were supposed to do it before you disappeared on me” said hazel as she removed her glasses that were clinging on her nose.
“I’m so sorry about that. I just thought it was unfair on your part” she said. Her child blinked lazily; unaware about the brevity of the situation.
“why?” asked hazel. Breathing slowly and bracing her self for the answer as she slouched back on the couch.
“because I have him” she pointed to her son who fell asleep. He savored the milk on his lips and followed his sleepiness. They both kept quiet for a while. Hazel sat there and thought of ways to tell her how it wasn’t that.
“it was fine with me.” She said. She put back her eyeglasses and looked at her with a comforting smile.
“honestly?” she asked in return as if to wash away the doubt in her mind.
“honestly” she affirmed. She unzipped her bag and opened another discussion about their friends and their beauty pageant days. As the exchanges of laughter and gossip fluttered, hazel noticed how much things have managed to change. Dawn, on the other hand, thought that she hazel moved on and she continued pretending that they were only what they had always been; friends.
Hazel kept her smile on her face, wishing she could bring to the surface the words, “I need you”. but like dawn, pride took what was left of her. as they sat there talking and inserting a few laughs here and there, night began to creep over the city and hazel decided to leave.
“please come back next Saturday” begged Dawn as hazel smiled and nodded her head promisingly.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
the second day of school
it would be tempting for me to blog about the disaster which was my first day of school. but the second day is always the best. it is the unappreciated day. it is often the anti-climax of any story. but for me, it is always the best day to talk about. the realizations are fresh and matured. the emotions of excitement and anxiety have expired and there is nothing left but a memory of a day that made me realize that i was getting smarter and i was a year closer to becoming a person of profession.
on my second day, i could say, i'd love to switch it with the first. the second day was relaxed yet it gave me a huge tug on my gut because of all the requirements i was required of. it was the feeling that i could no longer procastinate that ensured me that i was no longer a child. i was just starting to feel like a philosophy student.
it started with waking up early for an 8:30 class at my favorite classroom. it was in agriculture, room 401. that room was very special to me. it used to be my formation room and of course, it was in that very room i had met jafe. the seats were still arranged the way we left them almost two years ago. i was only 17 then, but the feeling of being in that room was still the same until now. although my classmates have changed, but it was the longing that she might just come around to say, "nakabuhat nakag reaction paper?"
sitting there at the front row, i told myself to get over it. i was in that room for learning, not memories. i was not in that room for nostalgia. but as soon as my professor came in through the door, every trace of happiness escaped my face and it turned into a serious mask. i could not allow mr. tangara to ask me why i was smiling except if he knew i was smiling about being in class.
in the following classes, it passed me by like the familiar lazy blurr i always saw when i was still hung over from a certain drug called, forlorness. something was supposed to be there, but it wasn't anymore. something was still supposed to be with me, but it couldn't. somethings weren't supposed to change. but as i climbed down the ramp of student center building, i had to find the right words to tell myself that the first day of school never happened.
that day, i was walking with jmark. i told him i was going to tell her on my birthday and he told me not to. he said that if it was going to do anything, it would only break whatever little we had. we weren't even close friends, but i was sure to break that small string of bond if i told her. but as soon as we parted near commerce building, he told me secretly that rose was with her. as she screamed my name in the traffic of people, i pretended not to hear her. but i looked back to see who was with her and whether it was true, i found it too late to pretend to not hear them.
i put my arms around rose and wanted to strangle her. she knew how much i didn't want to see her again. i just didn't want the feelings anymore. i just couldn't afford any delay. but as my arms were wrapped around rose, her eyes sparked and her smile sliced through. i could not move or breathe. but i regained sanity prematurely and walked up the stairs to my room for Law. i came to a sudden realization that jmark was right. if it was going to do anything, it would only ruin my dignity as a person and her worth too. she'd most probably feel insulted.
i went by the department earlier that day, i was offered a job as stage manager in a huge production. i took the offer without hesitation. in the department, i saw bridgette. i was still disturbed by her presence. but i knew those feelings were about aian again. i still remember him holding her hand as they passed by my table in the cafeteria. i still remember that huge disappointment i felt. but now, the feelings i had against her were only because she had the power then to make me feel so small.
i didn't want to enter the department for any reason except mrs. rivera or sir tangara. i didn't want people to expect me to be human and educated at the same time. i didn't know how to talk and what to talk about in that department. they were all so philosophical that i could not reach them with the little knowledge i have. all i could provide in that prison were questions they never satisfactorily answer.
but after the job offer, the moment i got home, i opened the topic with my dad. i told him that i was offered a job. he got mad and told me i was selfish. he told me i was greedy. i told him it was nothing like that. i just wanted to make something of myself with whatever gift i had. i told him it was unfair how he cuffed me down to whatever it is he wanted me to be. but he disdained me by telling me he would give me 3 thousand if that was all i wanted from the job. i told him that i didn't want him to give me that money, i wanted to work for it. i wanted to know if i was good enough to be paid for. those things i wanted, a father could never provide. all he needed to do was give me a little trust and freedom, but he decided to call me a selfish person. i punched the window and told him, "listen to me damn it!" but he tore after the door and punched me in the face three times. with each mighty blow, i could feel myself getting numb with disgust and hate. painful drops of tears trickled down my face and i only hated him more. my mother came in and told me "mirisi!" as well as my sister.
"kamo ang selfish. tanan ninyo problema, akoy ga atubang. unsa inyo hinain kai akoy cgeg paminaw. tao ra ko! kapuyan sad ko! tapos karon na kani lang ako gipangayo kai dili ninyo mahatag? ngano? asa ko nagkulang sakong pagka anak sa inyo?"
my mother sermoned over and over like a broken record as my sister second voiced "abi kaha niyag maau xa paminawon. maau rbag naa na siyay na graduatan." incessantly. i had to scream at her to shut up because i wanted to listen to my mother. but she only hit me in the face. as usual, she was right.
i never did understood why my sister always hated me. and i never understood why i was her little slave. whatever it was she wanted, i had to give it. and i had no right to talk back or tell her to stop. i had no freedom.
but during the second day, i realized that freedom isn't something i had to get from them. it had always been with me. all i needed to know were the choices and i needed to know what i really wanted. and that afternoon, i went with my gut and took the acting proposition and the stage managing job. neither my parents nor my sisters were involved in my decision. this is my life, and i choose what is best for me... for once.
going back to school, my father tried to talk to me. but i had run out of respect and love and ignored him. i went out of the car without a sound of complain or hurt. i just had to stiffen my upper lip nomatter how painful it was to do so. i had to be strong for myself.
going to the kiosk near the chapel, i was rummaging through my bag for a book. i could not find which one i needed at the moment. as soon as i got to where my friend tyron was waiting near the chapel, that was when i found the book i needed and that was when i noticed eric coming.
"bei. kumusta naman?" he asked. i felt uneasy with him. i didn't want to talk to him anymore. i realized it was so unfair of him to only listen to the bassist in our band. it was unfair how he only had the right to choose what to play because all the songs we chose were songs his voice couldn't compete with. he barely even had a voice to begin with. i wanted to tell him those things. i wanted to tell him that i had a better voice than him but that i felt like we were only his band, not our band. we weren't a band.
when he told us that we were going to poetry read for our general assembly performance, he took the whole cake. we weren't that famous yet! we were just fresh wannabe rockstars. we had to play songs that everyone knew and everyone could tap their feet to. then when we were super famous, that was the time to throw whatever we wanted to. but then he said, "i noticed that the people in davao liked it during our workshop." unknown to him, the difference with his experience and mine were the audience. they determine our fate. the people in his mediocre workshop were literary people. of course they would understand what the hell was going on. but the people in cagayan are more of the music and familiarity. but as usual, he silenced my opinion all because our bassist could do it.
so when he asked me "kumusta?" i just replied, "eric, i quit."
"you quit? philosophy?" he asked. i knew that he knew what i was talking about.
"no. i quit the band."
"ngano man?" he worriedly asked.
"i have alot of things to do. i realized that my grades were more important." i lied. in fact, it had nothing to do with my grades. it had to do with him in general.
"ahw sige. ikaw gud" he sadly replied. and me and tyron walked off to our next class which was ethics.
it was the little things like those that altogether made me feel so much better. it was my choices to either sustain myself or to regain myself out of all the things i felt. i was struck down, but i knew it was something i wanted. i had to make a choice between what i wanted, and what everyone else wanted.
sometimes, the hardest choice to make is between what is right and what makes us happy. between jafe and me, between my father and i, between my life dream and the impediments, between my self recognition and the risk of losing it and most of all, freedom and when to apply it. freedom is never given by anyone, it is something we always have. but the courage to choose remains as something we have to muster or forget about.
thus ends my dilemmas.
on my second day, i could say, i'd love to switch it with the first. the second day was relaxed yet it gave me a huge tug on my gut because of all the requirements i was required of. it was the feeling that i could no longer procastinate that ensured me that i was no longer a child. i was just starting to feel like a philosophy student.
it started with waking up early for an 8:30 class at my favorite classroom. it was in agriculture, room 401. that room was very special to me. it used to be my formation room and of course, it was in that very room i had met jafe. the seats were still arranged the way we left them almost two years ago. i was only 17 then, but the feeling of being in that room was still the same until now. although my classmates have changed, but it was the longing that she might just come around to say, "nakabuhat nakag reaction paper?"
sitting there at the front row, i told myself to get over it. i was in that room for learning, not memories. i was not in that room for nostalgia. but as soon as my professor came in through the door, every trace of happiness escaped my face and it turned into a serious mask. i could not allow mr. tangara to ask me why i was smiling except if he knew i was smiling about being in class.
in the following classes, it passed me by like the familiar lazy blurr i always saw when i was still hung over from a certain drug called, forlorness. something was supposed to be there, but it wasn't anymore. something was still supposed to be with me, but it couldn't. somethings weren't supposed to change. but as i climbed down the ramp of student center building, i had to find the right words to tell myself that the first day of school never happened.
that day, i was walking with jmark. i told him i was going to tell her on my birthday and he told me not to. he said that if it was going to do anything, it would only break whatever little we had. we weren't even close friends, but i was sure to break that small string of bond if i told her. but as soon as we parted near commerce building, he told me secretly that rose was with her. as she screamed my name in the traffic of people, i pretended not to hear her. but i looked back to see who was with her and whether it was true, i found it too late to pretend to not hear them.
i put my arms around rose and wanted to strangle her. she knew how much i didn't want to see her again. i just didn't want the feelings anymore. i just couldn't afford any delay. but as my arms were wrapped around rose, her eyes sparked and her smile sliced through. i could not move or breathe. but i regained sanity prematurely and walked up the stairs to my room for Law. i came to a sudden realization that jmark was right. if it was going to do anything, it would only ruin my dignity as a person and her worth too. she'd most probably feel insulted.
i went by the department earlier that day, i was offered a job as stage manager in a huge production. i took the offer without hesitation. in the department, i saw bridgette. i was still disturbed by her presence. but i knew those feelings were about aian again. i still remember him holding her hand as they passed by my table in the cafeteria. i still remember that huge disappointment i felt. but now, the feelings i had against her were only because she had the power then to make me feel so small.
i didn't want to enter the department for any reason except mrs. rivera or sir tangara. i didn't want people to expect me to be human and educated at the same time. i didn't know how to talk and what to talk about in that department. they were all so philosophical that i could not reach them with the little knowledge i have. all i could provide in that prison were questions they never satisfactorily answer.
but after the job offer, the moment i got home, i opened the topic with my dad. i told him that i was offered a job. he got mad and told me i was selfish. he told me i was greedy. i told him it was nothing like that. i just wanted to make something of myself with whatever gift i had. i told him it was unfair how he cuffed me down to whatever it is he wanted me to be. but he disdained me by telling me he would give me 3 thousand if that was all i wanted from the job. i told him that i didn't want him to give me that money, i wanted to work for it. i wanted to know if i was good enough to be paid for. those things i wanted, a father could never provide. all he needed to do was give me a little trust and freedom, but he decided to call me a selfish person. i punched the window and told him, "listen to me damn it!" but he tore after the door and punched me in the face three times. with each mighty blow, i could feel myself getting numb with disgust and hate. painful drops of tears trickled down my face and i only hated him more. my mother came in and told me "mirisi!" as well as my sister.
"kamo ang selfish. tanan ninyo problema, akoy ga atubang. unsa inyo hinain kai akoy cgeg paminaw. tao ra ko! kapuyan sad ko! tapos karon na kani lang ako gipangayo kai dili ninyo mahatag? ngano? asa ko nagkulang sakong pagka anak sa inyo?"
my mother sermoned over and over like a broken record as my sister second voiced "abi kaha niyag maau xa paminawon. maau rbag naa na siyay na graduatan." incessantly. i had to scream at her to shut up because i wanted to listen to my mother. but she only hit me in the face. as usual, she was right.
i never did understood why my sister always hated me. and i never understood why i was her little slave. whatever it was she wanted, i had to give it. and i had no right to talk back or tell her to stop. i had no freedom.
but during the second day, i realized that freedom isn't something i had to get from them. it had always been with me. all i needed to know were the choices and i needed to know what i really wanted. and that afternoon, i went with my gut and took the acting proposition and the stage managing job. neither my parents nor my sisters were involved in my decision. this is my life, and i choose what is best for me... for once.
going back to school, my father tried to talk to me. but i had run out of respect and love and ignored him. i went out of the car without a sound of complain or hurt. i just had to stiffen my upper lip nomatter how painful it was to do so. i had to be strong for myself.
going to the kiosk near the chapel, i was rummaging through my bag for a book. i could not find which one i needed at the moment. as soon as i got to where my friend tyron was waiting near the chapel, that was when i found the book i needed and that was when i noticed eric coming.
"bei. kumusta naman?" he asked. i felt uneasy with him. i didn't want to talk to him anymore. i realized it was so unfair of him to only listen to the bassist in our band. it was unfair how he only had the right to choose what to play because all the songs we chose were songs his voice couldn't compete with. he barely even had a voice to begin with. i wanted to tell him those things. i wanted to tell him that i had a better voice than him but that i felt like we were only his band, not our band. we weren't a band.
when he told us that we were going to poetry read for our general assembly performance, he took the whole cake. we weren't that famous yet! we were just fresh wannabe rockstars. we had to play songs that everyone knew and everyone could tap their feet to. then when we were super famous, that was the time to throw whatever we wanted to. but then he said, "i noticed that the people in davao liked it during our workshop." unknown to him, the difference with his experience and mine were the audience. they determine our fate. the people in his mediocre workshop were literary people. of course they would understand what the hell was going on. but the people in cagayan are more of the music and familiarity. but as usual, he silenced my opinion all because our bassist could do it.
so when he asked me "kumusta?" i just replied, "eric, i quit."
"you quit? philosophy?" he asked. i knew that he knew what i was talking about.
"no. i quit the band."
"ngano man?" he worriedly asked.
"i have alot of things to do. i realized that my grades were more important." i lied. in fact, it had nothing to do with my grades. it had to do with him in general.
"ahw sige. ikaw gud" he sadly replied. and me and tyron walked off to our next class which was ethics.
it was the little things like those that altogether made me feel so much better. it was my choices to either sustain myself or to regain myself out of all the things i felt. i was struck down, but i knew it was something i wanted. i had to make a choice between what i wanted, and what everyone else wanted.
sometimes, the hardest choice to make is between what is right and what makes us happy. between jafe and me, between my father and i, between my life dream and the impediments, between my self recognition and the risk of losing it and most of all, freedom and when to apply it. freedom is never given by anyone, it is something we always have. but the courage to choose remains as something we have to muster or forget about.
thus ends my dilemmas.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
i'm not supposed to love you anymore
i was riding the jeepney earlier from aian's house. looking in his sincere eyes, i heard this song play in my head. and i just couldn't help but say to myself, "why not fall in-love again with him?"
i don't know whether or not i'm desperate or just filling a void. i'm still caught up with my past and i'm still determining my real self. but throughout all those things, aian has been really there for me. and i just can't help but say, he deserves my sincerity.
i'm not the kind to back out once i'm not comfortable. but i'm starting to love him all over again.
when i met him over a year ago, i had to leave him because of bridget. i avoided him everyday. he would call me and i wouldn't pick up. it just felt like i didn't want him to have to choose between his girlfriend for 3 years and me. and just last march 24, he and i decided to give us a try. no more agreements. just him and i. no 3rd parties unknown.
and i was at the verge of telling him it was over. i just couldn't lead him on. but as he held the umbrella over my head and a kiss on my cheek, i heard his voice saying "i'm trying". and that made me feel like it was only right for me to try also.
i'm not supposed to love jafe anymore. and as i sat there on that jeepney beside him, i couldn't help but hear both our hearts sigh within the coldness of the night. his heart was saying, "i need you because i love you." while mine said, "i love you because i need you."
i need to give in for a while. i know it sounds stupid. but it's the only fair things to do. sometimes fair things aren't right, but right things aren't fair too. i'd rather be fair than being right. there's still time to be with him to know him better. and i'm in no rush...
i don't know whether or not i'm desperate or just filling a void. i'm still caught up with my past and i'm still determining my real self. but throughout all those things, aian has been really there for me. and i just can't help but say, he deserves my sincerity.
i'm not the kind to back out once i'm not comfortable. but i'm starting to love him all over again.
when i met him over a year ago, i had to leave him because of bridget. i avoided him everyday. he would call me and i wouldn't pick up. it just felt like i didn't want him to have to choose between his girlfriend for 3 years and me. and just last march 24, he and i decided to give us a try. no more agreements. just him and i. no 3rd parties unknown.
and i was at the verge of telling him it was over. i just couldn't lead him on. but as he held the umbrella over my head and a kiss on my cheek, i heard his voice saying "i'm trying". and that made me feel like it was only right for me to try also.
i'm not supposed to love jafe anymore. and as i sat there on that jeepney beside him, i couldn't help but hear both our hearts sigh within the coldness of the night. his heart was saying, "i need you because i love you." while mine said, "i love you because i need you."
i need to give in for a while. i know it sounds stupid. but it's the only fair things to do. sometimes fair things aren't right, but right things aren't fair too. i'd rather be fair than being right. there's still time to be with him to know him better. and i'm in no rush...
Sunday, June 7, 2009
unsung heroes
“unsung heroes”
Faye Hazel R. Douglass, UNITASS DOA assoc. head and KKP-SIO volunteer
Enrollment has always been one of the major dilemmas of an ordinary Atenean. The heat of the sun or the cold drops of water from the rain, the unmoving lines, the slow releasing of grades and ID (and so on and so forth) have none the less described the experiences I have had during June 1-6. Not only have these days make me not want to continue my loyal service to the school, but they have only made me want to be a better volunteer.
Enrollment scheme was very simple this semester. Just get the grade, green form, go to the department for evaluation and encoding, back to the registrar for validation and picture taken for the ID. The only agonizing thing about the process is the line as if it was made to test the patience of the dear students.
Luckily, I’m not one of them. I’m a volunteer working for the student council and for KKP. I teach NSTP and I also tutor kids. I help out any way I can. It’s not like I am counting everything I have done, but I’m just being blunt about the things we do as volunteers to the students who do not know what being an SV really means.
First of all, SV does not mean servants. It means student volunteer. it also means we had a choice whether to go on schooling without any extra-curricular activities and have more time for fun or to serve our fellow Ateneans and Filipinos. And it means we chose the latter. We chose to sacrifice our valuable time that could have been spent on other things. We chose to serve.
Second, SV’s follow only one rule: serve. In any way, we all have done our unsung parts for the school. We aren’t paid. In fact, the only motivation we have is the snack which we also pay for. and most of the time, we pay for our own leadership training and fare for wherever we need to be. We help out those who need and don’t need us. Service has always been the reward for us.
Third, the only reward we ever get is to not wait in line like everybody else. We are given ID’s so people can identify us. After all, once we’re done getting ourselves enrolled, we help out with the enrolment so that people won’t have to wait in line longer.
Fourth, we do not get any credits. We do not get any units off so we can pass our subjects or that we can be better volunteers. We made the choice, so we have to constantly remind ourselves why we still want to pursue our passion even if at times we lose our time for ourselves. And on certain occasions, we lose ourselves in the process. But because we love to serve, all that doesn’t matter anymore.
Fifth, we are not supermen. We can’t do everything, but at least we’re doing something. And not only that, we sv’s get tired too. We get hurt, we run out of time, we get fed up. But here we are, serving as usual.
Finally, the purpose of the student program is to serve the school, teachers, and fellow students. It provides an ample and easily accessible opportunity wherein students can put forth their dedication to the school through facilitating the institution with even the smallest help to the larger objectives of this school. Being an SV can definitely boost any form of application process post-college, but in the long run, surely the experiences of willfully serving this school will give us and others a much better insight of our character, and also an improve sense of self-satisfaction for what we have accomplished for others' needs and others' demands.
The reasons why I have chosen these six major concerns is because it surprises me how many people question our intentions. It surprises me how some people feel that it is unfair for us to just cut in line. It surprises me how some students are upset about how we get privileges. And it astonishes me how some students still do not understand our work.
It was my final step on June 3. All I had to do was go to the registrar. So I went to the side of the line where the SV’s showed their ID’s and passed through. I fell in line for my turn and tapped a friend’s shoulder and told him that I’d wait for him after I’d get enrolled. When I went ahead, he screamed violently, “what the hell?!!!!” mortified, I just smiled and winked at him and lowered my head in embarrassment. I wasn’t shy about me being a volunteer, but it was the feeling that I was being unfair. I just sat down on the bench near the registrar’s office with a face as red as a tomato. It wasn’t what he did that made me feel hurt. It was where he placed me with his words that tarnished my spirit. It had disturbed me how I was so against people who abused their power only to find I was only doing it unconsciously.
But after talking about it with a few professors and friends, I felt like it was only fair. We deserve whatever little reward we get. In fact, we get the smallest of all. We don’t have time for a lot of things that ordinary students neglect to appreciate. We wake up early on days we don’t have to. We sometimes forget to eat lunch just so we can finish our goals for the year. And for a single thing like getting ahead of line, that is no longer acceptable?
I don’t think it is fair for some people to scrutinize our role in school. I don’t think it’s fair how we have to bear in mind that we are students and heroes and if necessary, public enemy. I don’t think it’s fair either that we serve people but people don’t help us to help them. even superman needs help. We sometimes never get the respect we deserve. But don’t get us wrong, we don’t demand respect. We believe that it is something to be earned. We work despite and in spite of people disrespecting us and abusing us.
One time in an nstp class, a student of mine got in at 10 am. But still being so kind hearted because his brother was in the hospital, I let him in even if I heard the previous reports of his classmates. He was playing his mp3 (even when he knew that he was not supposed to do so), he slept inside class, he didn’t pay his contribution for the class Christmas party for the kids. There was a time I even caught him smoking within the perimeter of the area work. He didn’t have a workbook. He made no contributions to the class. But being so tolerant, I ignored them all. i admit that there was a time I smoked near the perimeter, but he lied to me and that was wrong. If he admitted it, there was no problem. I would have understood.
So I decided to reprimand him after he incessantly tried to distract me from teaching a few kids. After a few exchange of words, I ended up pointing out his faults and that I had been nothing but tolerant. Until he gets to the point of telling me, “sv raman ka” as I was walking away from him. I came back and told him, “if you can afford to do that to your friends and your girlfriend, don’t do that to me.”I don’t know whether I deserved that. But for every sv who would be insulted like that, it was totally uncalled for. After a few weeks when I lost my anger, I decided to say I was sorry. But he decided not to forgive me. I admit I turned something professional into something personal. But when my dignity as a person is on the line, I have to stand up for myself. Sv or no sv, I had to defend myself.
Sometimes in being a volunteer, we arrive at the fine line between our selves and professionalism. We tend to forget that we are serving when people forget to remember that it is for them. we are human too. And it is so upsetting that we are sometimes treated as unimportant. But here we are, serving anyway. Regardless whether we get respect or not, it just simply comes with the job.
But don’t get me wrong. I love my work. It is my reason for waking up every morning. I feel excited when I get to help people. I find a sense of fulfillment whenever serve others. I feel happy when I get to do more than what I can for others.
We feel like superman when we live out the spirit of service. And that is really why we are student volunteers.
Faye Hazel R. Douglass, UNITASS DOA assoc. head and KKP-SIO volunteer
Enrollment has always been one of the major dilemmas of an ordinary Atenean. The heat of the sun or the cold drops of water from the rain, the unmoving lines, the slow releasing of grades and ID (and so on and so forth) have none the less described the experiences I have had during June 1-6. Not only have these days make me not want to continue my loyal service to the school, but they have only made me want to be a better volunteer.
Enrollment scheme was very simple this semester. Just get the grade, green form, go to the department for evaluation and encoding, back to the registrar for validation and picture taken for the ID. The only agonizing thing about the process is the line as if it was made to test the patience of the dear students.
Luckily, I’m not one of them. I’m a volunteer working for the student council and for KKP. I teach NSTP and I also tutor kids. I help out any way I can. It’s not like I am counting everything I have done, but I’m just being blunt about the things we do as volunteers to the students who do not know what being an SV really means.
First of all, SV does not mean servants. It means student volunteer. it also means we had a choice whether to go on schooling without any extra-curricular activities and have more time for fun or to serve our fellow Ateneans and Filipinos. And it means we chose the latter. We chose to sacrifice our valuable time that could have been spent on other things. We chose to serve.
Second, SV’s follow only one rule: serve. In any way, we all have done our unsung parts for the school. We aren’t paid. In fact, the only motivation we have is the snack which we also pay for. and most of the time, we pay for our own leadership training and fare for wherever we need to be. We help out those who need and don’t need us. Service has always been the reward for us.
Third, the only reward we ever get is to not wait in line like everybody else. We are given ID’s so people can identify us. After all, once we’re done getting ourselves enrolled, we help out with the enrolment so that people won’t have to wait in line longer.
Fourth, we do not get any credits. We do not get any units off so we can pass our subjects or that we can be better volunteers. We made the choice, so we have to constantly remind ourselves why we still want to pursue our passion even if at times we lose our time for ourselves. And on certain occasions, we lose ourselves in the process. But because we love to serve, all that doesn’t matter anymore.
Fifth, we are not supermen. We can’t do everything, but at least we’re doing something. And not only that, we sv’s get tired too. We get hurt, we run out of time, we get fed up. But here we are, serving as usual.
Finally, the purpose of the student program is to serve the school, teachers, and fellow students. It provides an ample and easily accessible opportunity wherein students can put forth their dedication to the school through facilitating the institution with even the smallest help to the larger objectives of this school. Being an SV can definitely boost any form of application process post-college, but in the long run, surely the experiences of willfully serving this school will give us and others a much better insight of our character, and also an improve sense of self-satisfaction for what we have accomplished for others' needs and others' demands.
The reasons why I have chosen these six major concerns is because it surprises me how many people question our intentions. It surprises me how some people feel that it is unfair for us to just cut in line. It surprises me how some students are upset about how we get privileges. And it astonishes me how some students still do not understand our work.
It was my final step on June 3. All I had to do was go to the registrar. So I went to the side of the line where the SV’s showed their ID’s and passed through. I fell in line for my turn and tapped a friend’s shoulder and told him that I’d wait for him after I’d get enrolled. When I went ahead, he screamed violently, “what the hell?!!!!” mortified, I just smiled and winked at him and lowered my head in embarrassment. I wasn’t shy about me being a volunteer, but it was the feeling that I was being unfair. I just sat down on the bench near the registrar’s office with a face as red as a tomato. It wasn’t what he did that made me feel hurt. It was where he placed me with his words that tarnished my spirit. It had disturbed me how I was so against people who abused their power only to find I was only doing it unconsciously.
But after talking about it with a few professors and friends, I felt like it was only fair. We deserve whatever little reward we get. In fact, we get the smallest of all. We don’t have time for a lot of things that ordinary students neglect to appreciate. We wake up early on days we don’t have to. We sometimes forget to eat lunch just so we can finish our goals for the year. And for a single thing like getting ahead of line, that is no longer acceptable?
I don’t think it is fair for some people to scrutinize our role in school. I don’t think it’s fair how we have to bear in mind that we are students and heroes and if necessary, public enemy. I don’t think it’s fair either that we serve people but people don’t help us to help them. even superman needs help. We sometimes never get the respect we deserve. But don’t get us wrong, we don’t demand respect. We believe that it is something to be earned. We work despite and in spite of people disrespecting us and abusing us.
One time in an nstp class, a student of mine got in at 10 am. But still being so kind hearted because his brother was in the hospital, I let him in even if I heard the previous reports of his classmates. He was playing his mp3 (even when he knew that he was not supposed to do so), he slept inside class, he didn’t pay his contribution for the class Christmas party for the kids. There was a time I even caught him smoking within the perimeter of the area work. He didn’t have a workbook. He made no contributions to the class. But being so tolerant, I ignored them all. i admit that there was a time I smoked near the perimeter, but he lied to me and that was wrong. If he admitted it, there was no problem. I would have understood.
So I decided to reprimand him after he incessantly tried to distract me from teaching a few kids. After a few exchange of words, I ended up pointing out his faults and that I had been nothing but tolerant. Until he gets to the point of telling me, “sv raman ka” as I was walking away from him. I came back and told him, “if you can afford to do that to your friends and your girlfriend, don’t do that to me.”I don’t know whether I deserved that. But for every sv who would be insulted like that, it was totally uncalled for. After a few weeks when I lost my anger, I decided to say I was sorry. But he decided not to forgive me. I admit I turned something professional into something personal. But when my dignity as a person is on the line, I have to stand up for myself. Sv or no sv, I had to defend myself.
Sometimes in being a volunteer, we arrive at the fine line between our selves and professionalism. We tend to forget that we are serving when people forget to remember that it is for them. we are human too. And it is so upsetting that we are sometimes treated as unimportant. But here we are, serving anyway. Regardless whether we get respect or not, it just simply comes with the job.
But don’t get me wrong. I love my work. It is my reason for waking up every morning. I feel excited when I get to help people. I find a sense of fulfillment whenever serve others. I feel happy when I get to do more than what I can for others.
We feel like superman when we live out the spirit of service. And that is really why we are student volunteers.
Friday, June 5, 2009
marriage; 'till death do is part.... really?
I haven’t been at a point in my life where I said, “I love you forever” and actually meant it. I’m not a player, I just don’t like thinking about waking up the next morning and the following mornings with the same person. I just don’t like things that are permanent simply because things normally change. And I certainly don’t like having to be enslaved by the idea that some things can stay the same. It’s not a matter about love anymore; it’s a matter of security.
Honestly, I don’t believe in marriage. One of the reasons is that, marriage is a contract. There is a piece of paper legally binding two people under God and the state. All their resources are shared mutually as agreed upon. But if you ask me, marriage is just another way of saying that two people are having sex annually… legally.
I’m not saying this because my parents didn’t work out because that would be a lie. My parents are still together, in-love and all. But every time I ask my mother about whether or not she made the right choice, she would never answer me. Marriage was supposed to be her ticket to law school. But my dad thought that my mother was discontent so he got mad. My mother just wanted to finish law to prove something to her self as well as actually achieve something. Marriage can always do that. It is a way of enslaving men and women again… legally.
I haven’t been married yet. Honestly, I have been through many propositions before. A Muslim boyfriend before asked me to marry him. But when I realized that I could not abandon my faith for him, I strongly declined. It was not because his God is any different from mine; it was because he and I were two separate individuals. I just wanted to keep it that way. I didn’t want him to think in any way that he owned me. I didn’t want him to feed me or clothe me because I could do that for myself. I didn’t need his love, I needed his attention. And If I got married to a man who could get married to 4 women, then that would be limited. I wouldn’t have his full attention 24/7. I would simply have to share it with women he is also legally allowed to sleep with. I don’t like that.
A Christian man also asked me to marry him. But when I saw his family and I met the real him; I decided to live alone. His mother thought that I was just some girl on the side line and i was a girl who had no ambition at all. Much to her surprise, she found out I was able to succeed more than her son did. I was able to reach third year in college while her son became my student in NSTP. Their family owned a small karinderya and that was all they owned. I didn’t say yes to him because he had nothing to offer me. Honestly, love won’t keep us alive. He had no ambition; and that was just appalling. I did love him honestly. But love is not enough to sustain a family. It is essential, but it is naïve. Love is what keeps a family together. But to keep the family alive doesn’t require love.
The only real man who ever loved me was an ex-seminarian. He loved God and still does. He has a job. he knows how to wash clothes. He is independent. For that, I admire him so much. But what I did love about him, and I still do, is that he never makes any promises. He didn’t talk about us getting married. He did talk about having kids, but he never really said to me that we needed to do it. he didn’t get mad when I didn’t want to sleep with him. He loved me; and that was something real.
For so many times I heard my friends complain about their boyfriends, I have always told them, “even married people break up. You should try it”. marriage is not really bad, but it is just impractical. People waste time, effort, money and love for people who will only love them less with every year gone by.
I have had driving lessons last week. My instructor, kuya marko, was married. He told me that when he and his wife were still lovers, he would hold the umbrella for her and made sure she was always at the safe side of the road. But once they got married, he would laugh at her whenever she would trip. If she would be almost hit by a car, he’d reprimand her. see? Even love changes.
The church strongly encourages people to get married which is part of a believer’s devotion. It is to bind two people under the light of the lord. Anything done outside of marriage is a sin. True, but sin is a matter of culture. What is a sin to Filipinos might not exactly be sin to Americans or Indians. Sin… is not a fact. It is just like saying that I once believed in something to be real, and then somebody showed me it wasn’t and then somebody showed me it was true again.
For a long time, I have known that same sex relationship is strictly a bad idea. It is condemned by God and it is wrong. Then my friend told me, it’s not wrong. If it really makes me happy, then I should go for it. so much so that she gave me a number of a girl who was a lesbian. But when I met her and I saw that she looked almost like a man, I backed off. I didn’t want to date a man. I wanted to date a woman!
Then while talking to my professors in my course, I learned a lot about sexuality. I read a few articles saying that it’s okay. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Same sex relationship has real love because it is no longer about physical satisfaction. It is about satisfying each other emotionally and spiritually. And I look at them and say, “yeah right.”
So my friend from Arizona talked with me about sexuality. She said, it isn’t wrong to love a person of the same sex. But biblically, it is. so i opened the Bible to find it written down in sacred text how God only made man and woman and nothing in between.
I honestly don’t believe in either. I believe that sexuality is a choice. If I want to be a lesbian, then I will become one. If I open my mind to a new perspective of happiness, then I will find it. as they say, when there’s a will, there’s a way. Nobody can ever make me feel anything without my consent.
The next reason why I abhor marriage is because it has become a fad. Growing up in my province, people were not so desperate to get married. I always thought that everyone else was getting married at their own convenient time. But I was dead wrong.
My house help’s nephew got married one June afternoon. He invited my family to go to his house in Bukidnon to celebrate with him. They killed a horse and several cows for the feast. Then I asked my helper how young her nephew was. He was only 19. The girl he got married to had just turned 18.
My house help’s nieces all got married or had live in partners if they weren’t old enough to get married yet. Most of the women in their barrio either got married, got pregnant, or had partners. For them, if a person reached 25 and she was still single, it was like she was an old maid. But for my folks in the city, that was just the right age to do that.
The idea of marriage is good. It helps people feel the sense that they are needed. It creates an image of a life less lonely. It creates less space for forlornness and emptiness. But how we interpret the idea of marriage can often turn awry. How we interpret marriage or our reasons for marriage is why it can be a bad idea.
Marriage is supposed to be something done by people who are ready for commitment. It is not supposed to be something to enslave people. It is something that should bind two people without the thought of owning each other. It is something to remind two people of a love they swore to God and to the entire human race and should not be something done for means of survival. It should be something done at the right time, not something done in a hurry. The problem with us today is that we think otherwise. That is really why I don’t want to get married.
Often times, even as lovers, we tend to control each other. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to own anyone. I don’t even own my self. Everything in this world is never ours and will never be. Most of the time, we love a person only and only if the person loves us back. We date men who have jobs because they are potential husbands. And men date women for an entirely different purpose.
Why can’t we just date a man and not have to think about getting married? It’s not a requirement anyway. Nobody has to get married. Marriage, like everything else, is a choice. And I choose to say, I won’t get married unless I know that it’s not because all my friends are married. It’s not because I need to finish school. It’s not because it’s the right thing to do. And it’s never because I want to own someone. I will not get married because I love a man. I can always love anyone or anything without having to get married. Love is not the essence of marriage and marriage is not the essence of life. I will get married because it is my choice, not because I just want something out of it.
I hate marriage. But I’m still 18. Things will still change.
Honestly, I don’t believe in marriage. One of the reasons is that, marriage is a contract. There is a piece of paper legally binding two people under God and the state. All their resources are shared mutually as agreed upon. But if you ask me, marriage is just another way of saying that two people are having sex annually… legally.
I’m not saying this because my parents didn’t work out because that would be a lie. My parents are still together, in-love and all. But every time I ask my mother about whether or not she made the right choice, she would never answer me. Marriage was supposed to be her ticket to law school. But my dad thought that my mother was discontent so he got mad. My mother just wanted to finish law to prove something to her self as well as actually achieve something. Marriage can always do that. It is a way of enslaving men and women again… legally.
I haven’t been married yet. Honestly, I have been through many propositions before. A Muslim boyfriend before asked me to marry him. But when I realized that I could not abandon my faith for him, I strongly declined. It was not because his God is any different from mine; it was because he and I were two separate individuals. I just wanted to keep it that way. I didn’t want him to think in any way that he owned me. I didn’t want him to feed me or clothe me because I could do that for myself. I didn’t need his love, I needed his attention. And If I got married to a man who could get married to 4 women, then that would be limited. I wouldn’t have his full attention 24/7. I would simply have to share it with women he is also legally allowed to sleep with. I don’t like that.
A Christian man also asked me to marry him. But when I saw his family and I met the real him; I decided to live alone. His mother thought that I was just some girl on the side line and i was a girl who had no ambition at all. Much to her surprise, she found out I was able to succeed more than her son did. I was able to reach third year in college while her son became my student in NSTP. Their family owned a small karinderya and that was all they owned. I didn’t say yes to him because he had nothing to offer me. Honestly, love won’t keep us alive. He had no ambition; and that was just appalling. I did love him honestly. But love is not enough to sustain a family. It is essential, but it is naïve. Love is what keeps a family together. But to keep the family alive doesn’t require love.
The only real man who ever loved me was an ex-seminarian. He loved God and still does. He has a job. he knows how to wash clothes. He is independent. For that, I admire him so much. But what I did love about him, and I still do, is that he never makes any promises. He didn’t talk about us getting married. He did talk about having kids, but he never really said to me that we needed to do it. he didn’t get mad when I didn’t want to sleep with him. He loved me; and that was something real.
For so many times I heard my friends complain about their boyfriends, I have always told them, “even married people break up. You should try it”. marriage is not really bad, but it is just impractical. People waste time, effort, money and love for people who will only love them less with every year gone by.
I have had driving lessons last week. My instructor, kuya marko, was married. He told me that when he and his wife were still lovers, he would hold the umbrella for her and made sure she was always at the safe side of the road. But once they got married, he would laugh at her whenever she would trip. If she would be almost hit by a car, he’d reprimand her. see? Even love changes.
The church strongly encourages people to get married which is part of a believer’s devotion. It is to bind two people under the light of the lord. Anything done outside of marriage is a sin. True, but sin is a matter of culture. What is a sin to Filipinos might not exactly be sin to Americans or Indians. Sin… is not a fact. It is just like saying that I once believed in something to be real, and then somebody showed me it wasn’t and then somebody showed me it was true again.
For a long time, I have known that same sex relationship is strictly a bad idea. It is condemned by God and it is wrong. Then my friend told me, it’s not wrong. If it really makes me happy, then I should go for it. so much so that she gave me a number of a girl who was a lesbian. But when I met her and I saw that she looked almost like a man, I backed off. I didn’t want to date a man. I wanted to date a woman!
Then while talking to my professors in my course, I learned a lot about sexuality. I read a few articles saying that it’s okay. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Same sex relationship has real love because it is no longer about physical satisfaction. It is about satisfying each other emotionally and spiritually. And I look at them and say, “yeah right.”
So my friend from Arizona talked with me about sexuality. She said, it isn’t wrong to love a person of the same sex. But biblically, it is. so i opened the Bible to find it written down in sacred text how God only made man and woman and nothing in between.
I honestly don’t believe in either. I believe that sexuality is a choice. If I want to be a lesbian, then I will become one. If I open my mind to a new perspective of happiness, then I will find it. as they say, when there’s a will, there’s a way. Nobody can ever make me feel anything without my consent.
The next reason why I abhor marriage is because it has become a fad. Growing up in my province, people were not so desperate to get married. I always thought that everyone else was getting married at their own convenient time. But I was dead wrong.
My house help’s nephew got married one June afternoon. He invited my family to go to his house in Bukidnon to celebrate with him. They killed a horse and several cows for the feast. Then I asked my helper how young her nephew was. He was only 19. The girl he got married to had just turned 18.
My house help’s nieces all got married or had live in partners if they weren’t old enough to get married yet. Most of the women in their barrio either got married, got pregnant, or had partners. For them, if a person reached 25 and she was still single, it was like she was an old maid. But for my folks in the city, that was just the right age to do that.
The idea of marriage is good. It helps people feel the sense that they are needed. It creates an image of a life less lonely. It creates less space for forlornness and emptiness. But how we interpret the idea of marriage can often turn awry. How we interpret marriage or our reasons for marriage is why it can be a bad idea.
Marriage is supposed to be something done by people who are ready for commitment. It is not supposed to be something to enslave people. It is something that should bind two people without the thought of owning each other. It is something to remind two people of a love they swore to God and to the entire human race and should not be something done for means of survival. It should be something done at the right time, not something done in a hurry. The problem with us today is that we think otherwise. That is really why I don’t want to get married.
Often times, even as lovers, we tend to control each other. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to own anyone. I don’t even own my self. Everything in this world is never ours and will never be. Most of the time, we love a person only and only if the person loves us back. We date men who have jobs because they are potential husbands. And men date women for an entirely different purpose.
Why can’t we just date a man and not have to think about getting married? It’s not a requirement anyway. Nobody has to get married. Marriage, like everything else, is a choice. And I choose to say, I won’t get married unless I know that it’s not because all my friends are married. It’s not because I need to finish school. It’s not because it’s the right thing to do. And it’s never because I want to own someone. I will not get married because I love a man. I can always love anyone or anything without having to get married. Love is not the essence of marriage and marriage is not the essence of life. I will get married because it is my choice, not because I just want something out of it.
I hate marriage. But I’m still 18. Things will still change.
Monday, June 1, 2009
"signs"
at first glance, i'm not your average girl. i'm taller than usual, tanned, and a frank yet tacless mouth. but deep inside, i have a confidence greater than usual and i have an unmalicious mind. typical, yet still a remarkable person. if you look at my bad side, i'm by far the worst person to be with. i insult people without my knowledge. i pretend to know everything. i hate criticisms. i don't eat food that is necessarily sanitized. i hate nursing (sorry to say). and i don't believe in signs.
well... that was not until today...
i was walking towards CIT building to look at my grade since it was blank. for some other reason, i used the pathway near haggerty house where there were more trees and the air always seemed fresh. walking there was like a glimpse of heaven or for some, nirvana. but carrying on my walking, i kept asking myself, "what will i do after this?"
i haven't exactly been a good student. the only possible way for me to get an A is when the teacher uses all my oral scores instead of the written ones or that she takes my attendance as the bigger percentage. i was almost glad when i got an A in my major. only to find, so did the rest of the class. i wanted and still want to be the best. i want it only to be me who got that. sounds selfish and ambitous. but hey, i'm only human.
when i got to the room, my teacher wasn't there so i rushed back to the department to get enrolled and just follow-up on my grade later. i still have a month to comply anyway. so when i rushed there, all my classmates were crowded together in a corner like snails. two of them were my best buds.
i told them i was going to shift to engineering. half my mind was saying, "why not? jafe's there!" but the other half said, "you started this mess... now finish it!" unknown to them, i had been debating with myself for centuries about what i really want to accomplish. i want to be somebody, not just some body.
so i told my friend, "hui. i'm going to shift to engineering". so my friend asked, "which field?" so i answered, "ECE". kidding around, they both wanted to join in. i was so half serious. i swear, if they went to engineering to really shift, i would never be a philo student again! but they all thought i was joking, somehow, i wish i was. but she said, "ayaw ui. mag Law bya tang tulo!"
while waiting for my mom to be done with my sister, i sat nearby the chapel. it was a perfect morning. not only had i seen jafe, but i was able to accomplish alot of things. still, i felt disturbed by my friend's reminder about what we were going to do after college. i felt restless with the idea. is this what i'm really going to do? is this where i'm going to be placed? is this my limit?
just walking along the bench boulevard, i kept thinking, "law??? me???" i don't even know any other law besides RA 9163! and that, i had to do because of a stinking job as a student volunteer. i desperately needed someone, other than my dad, to tell me what to do. i just needed some sort of direction. yes, i needed a sign. i had needed it for so long. ever since i graduated high school, i needed to know where i was going to put myself in. not only did i want to finish my mother's ambition, but i also want to make myself a self made person. so thus i came to the idea of Law.
just when the idea escaped my mind because it was very hot outside, a man sold his old law books half price right outside the second gate of Xavier. my mother, the business woman, wanted to buy the book at 40 percent. i just told her, "ma, the book is still in good condition. just take it for what it's worth. it's more expensive inside!"
the man, who wore a red polo put his hand on my shoulder and said, "you will be a good lawyer because you have a kind spirit." i thought the man was joking! he didn't know me. i don't even know him! how would he know who i was or what kind of spirit did i have? am i really that obvious?
so my mother goes ahead and asks him, "why are you selling your books?" his face became sad and he said, "i couldn't afford the tuition anymore. so i'm selling the books for capital." imagine that! he was going to sell what he needed just to get what he wanted! and here i am, the whole world is in conspiracy to make me a lawyer, i'm even thinking twice about it? and this man, who knows what he wants, can't afford to even achieve it!
i don't know anymore what happened after that. i just couldn't keep my mind off that man and what he said. i couldn't stop thinking about it. i felt glad because i can finally grab hold of a dream. i've had so many of them, but this one, i know i can achieve. it felt so new to me to have something that is mine, and mine alone. it can't be stolen, it can't be taken from me. it's mine. and i don't even have to wish on it. i can work on it, and it's something i know i will have.
then i felt sad. i kept asking myself, hanggang dito lang ba talaga ako? but that instantly disappeared when i realized i was going to get what i wanted. i was going to reach my dream. i was going to get something i had always wanted for myself without it being the latest fad or the most wanted course. i was going to get not only a dream, but the dream.
i'm in fact right now, studying ahead of time. i know it's too soon. but you can't ever be too prepared. and besides, if it's a dream, i need to be at my best game. no foolishness when it comes to that. i'm finally going to get something that makes me happy. i'm going to get what my parents want and what i want. i'm going to accomplish my mother's dream. i'm going to be somebody. all i need is strength, perseverance, diligence and hard work.
and of course a bit of what troy bolton said, "keep your head in the game."
well... that was not until today...
i was walking towards CIT building to look at my grade since it was blank. for some other reason, i used the pathway near haggerty house where there were more trees and the air always seemed fresh. walking there was like a glimpse of heaven or for some, nirvana. but carrying on my walking, i kept asking myself, "what will i do after this?"
i haven't exactly been a good student. the only possible way for me to get an A is when the teacher uses all my oral scores instead of the written ones or that she takes my attendance as the bigger percentage. i was almost glad when i got an A in my major. only to find, so did the rest of the class. i wanted and still want to be the best. i want it only to be me who got that. sounds selfish and ambitous. but hey, i'm only human.
when i got to the room, my teacher wasn't there so i rushed back to the department to get enrolled and just follow-up on my grade later. i still have a month to comply anyway. so when i rushed there, all my classmates were crowded together in a corner like snails. two of them were my best buds.
i told them i was going to shift to engineering. half my mind was saying, "why not? jafe's there!" but the other half said, "you started this mess... now finish it!" unknown to them, i had been debating with myself for centuries about what i really want to accomplish. i want to be somebody, not just some body.
so i told my friend, "hui. i'm going to shift to engineering". so my friend asked, "which field?" so i answered, "ECE". kidding around, they both wanted to join in. i was so half serious. i swear, if they went to engineering to really shift, i would never be a philo student again! but they all thought i was joking, somehow, i wish i was. but she said, "ayaw ui. mag Law bya tang tulo!"
while waiting for my mom to be done with my sister, i sat nearby the chapel. it was a perfect morning. not only had i seen jafe, but i was able to accomplish alot of things. still, i felt disturbed by my friend's reminder about what we were going to do after college. i felt restless with the idea. is this what i'm really going to do? is this where i'm going to be placed? is this my limit?
just walking along the bench boulevard, i kept thinking, "law??? me???" i don't even know any other law besides RA 9163! and that, i had to do because of a stinking job as a student volunteer. i desperately needed someone, other than my dad, to tell me what to do. i just needed some sort of direction. yes, i needed a sign. i had needed it for so long. ever since i graduated high school, i needed to know where i was going to put myself in. not only did i want to finish my mother's ambition, but i also want to make myself a self made person. so thus i came to the idea of Law.
just when the idea escaped my mind because it was very hot outside, a man sold his old law books half price right outside the second gate of Xavier. my mother, the business woman, wanted to buy the book at 40 percent. i just told her, "ma, the book is still in good condition. just take it for what it's worth. it's more expensive inside!"
the man, who wore a red polo put his hand on my shoulder and said, "you will be a good lawyer because you have a kind spirit." i thought the man was joking! he didn't know me. i don't even know him! how would he know who i was or what kind of spirit did i have? am i really that obvious?
so my mother goes ahead and asks him, "why are you selling your books?" his face became sad and he said, "i couldn't afford the tuition anymore. so i'm selling the books for capital." imagine that! he was going to sell what he needed just to get what he wanted! and here i am, the whole world is in conspiracy to make me a lawyer, i'm even thinking twice about it? and this man, who knows what he wants, can't afford to even achieve it!
i don't know anymore what happened after that. i just couldn't keep my mind off that man and what he said. i couldn't stop thinking about it. i felt glad because i can finally grab hold of a dream. i've had so many of them, but this one, i know i can achieve. it felt so new to me to have something that is mine, and mine alone. it can't be stolen, it can't be taken from me. it's mine. and i don't even have to wish on it. i can work on it, and it's something i know i will have.
then i felt sad. i kept asking myself, hanggang dito lang ba talaga ako? but that instantly disappeared when i realized i was going to get what i wanted. i was going to reach my dream. i was going to get something i had always wanted for myself without it being the latest fad or the most wanted course. i was going to get not only a dream, but the dream.
i'm in fact right now, studying ahead of time. i know it's too soon. but you can't ever be too prepared. and besides, if it's a dream, i need to be at my best game. no foolishness when it comes to that. i'm finally going to get something that makes me happy. i'm going to get what my parents want and what i want. i'm going to accomplish my mother's dream. i'm going to be somebody. all i need is strength, perseverance, diligence and hard work.
and of course a bit of what troy bolton said, "keep your head in the game."
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