I haven’t been at a point in my life where I said, “I love you forever” and actually meant it. I’m not a player, I just don’t like thinking about waking up the next morning and the following mornings with the same person. I just don’t like things that are permanent simply because things normally change. And I certainly don’t like having to be enslaved by the idea that some things can stay the same. It’s not a matter about love anymore; it’s a matter of security.
Honestly, I don’t believe in marriage. One of the reasons is that, marriage is a contract. There is a piece of paper legally binding two people under God and the state. All their resources are shared mutually as agreed upon. But if you ask me, marriage is just another way of saying that two people are having sex annually… legally.
I’m not saying this because my parents didn’t work out because that would be a lie. My parents are still together, in-love and all. But every time I ask my mother about whether or not she made the right choice, she would never answer me. Marriage was supposed to be her ticket to law school. But my dad thought that my mother was discontent so he got mad. My mother just wanted to finish law to prove something to her self as well as actually achieve something. Marriage can always do that. It is a way of enslaving men and women again… legally.
I haven’t been married yet. Honestly, I have been through many propositions before. A Muslim boyfriend before asked me to marry him. But when I realized that I could not abandon my faith for him, I strongly declined. It was not because his God is any different from mine; it was because he and I were two separate individuals. I just wanted to keep it that way. I didn’t want him to think in any way that he owned me. I didn’t want him to feed me or clothe me because I could do that for myself. I didn’t need his love, I needed his attention. And If I got married to a man who could get married to 4 women, then that would be limited. I wouldn’t have his full attention 24/7. I would simply have to share it with women he is also legally allowed to sleep with. I don’t like that.
A Christian man also asked me to marry him. But when I saw his family and I met the real him; I decided to live alone. His mother thought that I was just some girl on the side line and i was a girl who had no ambition at all. Much to her surprise, she found out I was able to succeed more than her son did. I was able to reach third year in college while her son became my student in NSTP. Their family owned a small karinderya and that was all they owned. I didn’t say yes to him because he had nothing to offer me. Honestly, love won’t keep us alive. He had no ambition; and that was just appalling. I did love him honestly. But love is not enough to sustain a family. It is essential, but it is naïve. Love is what keeps a family together. But to keep the family alive doesn’t require love.
The only real man who ever loved me was an ex-seminarian. He loved God and still does. He has a job. he knows how to wash clothes. He is independent. For that, I admire him so much. But what I did love about him, and I still do, is that he never makes any promises. He didn’t talk about us getting married. He did talk about having kids, but he never really said to me that we needed to do it. he didn’t get mad when I didn’t want to sleep with him. He loved me; and that was something real.
For so many times I heard my friends complain about their boyfriends, I have always told them, “even married people break up. You should try it”. marriage is not really bad, but it is just impractical. People waste time, effort, money and love for people who will only love them less with every year gone by.
I have had driving lessons last week. My instructor, kuya marko, was married. He told me that when he and his wife were still lovers, he would hold the umbrella for her and made sure she was always at the safe side of the road. But once they got married, he would laugh at her whenever she would trip. If she would be almost hit by a car, he’d reprimand her. see? Even love changes.
The church strongly encourages people to get married which is part of a believer’s devotion. It is to bind two people under the light of the lord. Anything done outside of marriage is a sin. True, but sin is a matter of culture. What is a sin to Filipinos might not exactly be sin to Americans or Indians. Sin… is not a fact. It is just like saying that I once believed in something to be real, and then somebody showed me it wasn’t and then somebody showed me it was true again.
For a long time, I have known that same sex relationship is strictly a bad idea. It is condemned by God and it is wrong. Then my friend told me, it’s not wrong. If it really makes me happy, then I should go for it. so much so that she gave me a number of a girl who was a lesbian. But when I met her and I saw that she looked almost like a man, I backed off. I didn’t want to date a man. I wanted to date a woman!
Then while talking to my professors in my course, I learned a lot about sexuality. I read a few articles saying that it’s okay. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Same sex relationship has real love because it is no longer about physical satisfaction. It is about satisfying each other emotionally and spiritually. And I look at them and say, “yeah right.”
So my friend from Arizona talked with me about sexuality. She said, it isn’t wrong to love a person of the same sex. But biblically, it is. so i opened the Bible to find it written down in sacred text how God only made man and woman and nothing in between.
I honestly don’t believe in either. I believe that sexuality is a choice. If I want to be a lesbian, then I will become one. If I open my mind to a new perspective of happiness, then I will find it. as they say, when there’s a will, there’s a way. Nobody can ever make me feel anything without my consent.
The next reason why I abhor marriage is because it has become a fad. Growing up in my province, people were not so desperate to get married. I always thought that everyone else was getting married at their own convenient time. But I was dead wrong.
My house help’s nephew got married one June afternoon. He invited my family to go to his house in Bukidnon to celebrate with him. They killed a horse and several cows for the feast. Then I asked my helper how young her nephew was. He was only 19. The girl he got married to had just turned 18.
My house help’s nieces all got married or had live in partners if they weren’t old enough to get married yet. Most of the women in their barrio either got married, got pregnant, or had partners. For them, if a person reached 25 and she was still single, it was like she was an old maid. But for my folks in the city, that was just the right age to do that.
The idea of marriage is good. It helps people feel the sense that they are needed. It creates an image of a life less lonely. It creates less space for forlornness and emptiness. But how we interpret the idea of marriage can often turn awry. How we interpret marriage or our reasons for marriage is why it can be a bad idea.
Marriage is supposed to be something done by people who are ready for commitment. It is not supposed to be something to enslave people. It is something that should bind two people without the thought of owning each other. It is something to remind two people of a love they swore to God and to the entire human race and should not be something done for means of survival. It should be something done at the right time, not something done in a hurry. The problem with us today is that we think otherwise. That is really why I don’t want to get married.
Often times, even as lovers, we tend to control each other. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to own anyone. I don’t even own my self. Everything in this world is never ours and will never be. Most of the time, we love a person only and only if the person loves us back. We date men who have jobs because they are potential husbands. And men date women for an entirely different purpose.
Why can’t we just date a man and not have to think about getting married? It’s not a requirement anyway. Nobody has to get married. Marriage, like everything else, is a choice. And I choose to say, I won’t get married unless I know that it’s not because all my friends are married. It’s not because I need to finish school. It’s not because it’s the right thing to do. And it’s never because I want to own someone. I will not get married because I love a man. I can always love anyone or anything without having to get married. Love is not the essence of marriage and marriage is not the essence of life. I will get married because it is my choice, not because I just want something out of it.
I hate marriage. But I’m still 18. Things will still change.
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