the second day of school

it would be tempting for me to blog about the disaster which was my first day of school. but the second day is always the best. it is the unappreciated day. it is often the anti-climax of any story. but for me, it is always the best day to talk about. the realizations are fresh and matured. the emotions of excitement and anxiety have expired and there is nothing left but a memory of a day that made me realize that i was getting smarter and i was a year closer to becoming a person of profession.


on my second day, i could say, i'd love to switch it with the first. the second day was relaxed yet it gave me a huge tug on my gut because of all the requirements i was required of. it was the feeling that i could no longer procastinate that ensured me that i was no longer a child. i was just starting to feel like a philosophy student.


it started with waking up early for an 8:30 class at my favorite classroom. it was in agriculture, room 401. that room was very special to me. it used to be my formation room and of course, it was in that very room i had met jafe. the seats were still arranged the way we left them almost two years ago. i was only 17 then, but the feeling of being in that room was still the same until now. although my classmates have changed, but it was the longing that she might just come around to say, "nakabuhat nakag reaction paper?"


sitting there at the front row, i told myself to get over it. i was in that room for learning, not memories. i was not in that room for nostalgia. but as soon as my professor came in through the door, every trace of happiness escaped my face and it turned into a serious mask. i could not allow mr. tangara to ask me why i was smiling except if he knew i was smiling about being in class.


in the following classes, it passed me by like the familiar lazy blurr i always saw when i was still hung over from a certain drug called, forlorness. something was supposed to be there, but it wasn't anymore. something was still supposed to be with me, but it couldn't. somethings weren't supposed to change. but as i climbed down the ramp of student center building, i had to find the right words to tell myself that the first day of school never happened.


that day, i was walking with jmark. i told him i was going to tell her on my birthday and he told me not to. he said that if it was going to do anything, it would only break whatever little we had. we weren't even close friends, but i was sure to break that small string of bond if i told her. but as soon as we parted near commerce building, he told me secretly that rose was with her. as she screamed my name in the traffic of people, i pretended not to hear her. but i looked back to see who was with her and whether it was true, i found it too late to pretend to not hear them.

i put my arms around rose and wanted to strangle her. she knew how much i didn't want to see her again. i just didn't want the feelings anymore. i just couldn't afford any delay. but as my arms were wrapped around rose, her eyes sparked and her smile sliced through. i could not move or breathe. but i regained sanity prematurely and walked up the stairs to my room for Law. i came to a sudden realization that jmark was right. if it was going to do anything, it would only ruin my dignity as a person and her worth too. she'd most probably feel insulted.


i went by the department earlier that day, i was offered a job as stage manager in a huge production. i took the offer without hesitation. in the department, i saw bridgette. i was still disturbed by her presence. but i knew those feelings were about aian again. i still remember him holding her hand as they passed by my table in the cafeteria. i still remember that huge disappointment i felt. but now, the feelings i had against her were only because she had the power then to make me feel so small.

i didn't want to enter the department for any reason except mrs. rivera or sir tangara. i didn't want people to expect me to be human and educated at the same time. i didn't know how to talk and what to talk about in that department. they were all so philosophical that i could not reach them with the little knowledge i have. all i could provide in that prison were questions they never satisfactorily answer.


but after the job offer, the moment i got home, i opened the topic with my dad. i told him that i was offered a job. he got mad and told me i was selfish. he told me i was greedy. i told him it was nothing like that. i just wanted to make something of myself with whatever gift i had. i told him it was unfair how he cuffed me down to whatever it is he wanted me to be. but he disdained me by telling me he would give me 3 thousand if that was all i wanted from the job. i told him that i didn't want him to give me that money, i wanted to work for it. i wanted to know if i was good enough to be paid for. those things i wanted, a father could never provide. all he needed to do was give me a little trust and freedom, but he decided to call me a selfish person. i punched the window and told him, "listen to me damn it!" but he tore after the door and punched me in the face three times. with each mighty blow, i could feel myself getting numb with disgust and hate. painful drops of tears trickled down my face and i only hated him more. my mother came in and told me "mirisi!" as well as my sister.

"kamo ang selfish. tanan ninyo problema, akoy ga atubang. unsa inyo hinain kai akoy cgeg paminaw. tao ra ko! kapuyan sad ko! tapos karon na kani lang ako gipangayo kai dili ninyo mahatag? ngano? asa ko nagkulang sakong pagka anak sa inyo?"

my mother sermoned over and over like a broken record as my sister second voiced "abi kaha niyag maau xa paminawon. maau rbag naa na siyay na graduatan." incessantly. i had to scream at her to shut up because i wanted to listen to my mother. but she only hit me in the face. as usual, she was right.


i never did understood why my sister always hated me. and i never understood why i was her little slave. whatever it was she wanted, i had to give it. and i had no right to talk back or tell her to stop. i had no freedom.


but during the second day, i realized that freedom isn't something i had to get from them. it had always been with me. all i needed to know were the choices and i needed to know what i really wanted. and that afternoon, i went with my gut and took the acting proposition and the stage managing job. neither my parents nor my sisters were involved in my decision. this is my life, and i choose what is best for me... for once.

going back to school, my father tried to talk to me. but i had run out of respect and love and ignored him. i went out of the car without a sound of complain or hurt. i just had to stiffen my upper lip nomatter how painful it was to do so. i had to be strong for myself.

going to the kiosk near the chapel, i was rummaging through my bag for a book. i could not find which one i needed at the moment. as soon as i got to where my friend tyron was waiting near the chapel, that was when i found the book i needed and that was when i noticed eric coming.

"bei. kumusta naman?" he asked. i felt uneasy with him. i didn't want to talk to him anymore. i realized it was so unfair of him to only listen to the bassist in our band. it was unfair how he only had the right to choose what to play because all the songs we chose were songs his voice couldn't compete with. he barely even had a voice to begin with. i wanted to tell him those things. i wanted to tell him that i had a better voice than him but that i felt like we were only his band, not our band. we weren't a band.


when he told us that we were going to poetry read for our general assembly performance, he took the whole cake. we weren't that famous yet! we were just fresh wannabe rockstars. we had to play songs that everyone knew and everyone could tap their feet to. then when we were super famous, that was the time to throw whatever we wanted to. but then he said, "i noticed that the people in davao liked it during our workshop." unknown to him, the difference with his experience and mine were the audience. they determine our fate. the people in his mediocre workshop were literary people. of course they would understand what the hell was going on. but the people in cagayan are more of the music and familiarity. but as usual, he silenced my opinion all because our bassist could do it.


so when he asked me "kumusta?" i just replied, "eric, i quit."
"you quit? philosophy?" he asked. i knew that he knew what i was talking about.
"no. i quit the band."
"ngano man?" he worriedly asked.
"i have alot of things to do. i realized that my grades were more important." i lied. in fact, it had nothing to do with my grades. it had to do with him in general.
"ahw sige. ikaw gud" he sadly replied. and me and tyron walked off to our next class which was ethics.


it was the little things like those that altogether made me feel so much better. it was my choices to either sustain myself or to regain myself out of all the things i felt. i was struck down, but i knew it was something i wanted. i had to make a choice between what i wanted, and what everyone else wanted.



sometimes, the hardest choice to make is between what is right and what makes us happy. between jafe and me, between my father and i, between my life dream and the impediments, between my self recognition and the risk of losing it and most of all, freedom and when to apply it. freedom is never given by anyone, it is something we always have. but the courage to choose remains as something we have to muster or forget about.




thus ends my dilemmas.