"signs"

at first glance, i'm not your average girl. i'm taller than usual, tanned, and a frank yet tacless mouth. but deep inside, i have a confidence greater than usual and i have an unmalicious mind. typical, yet still a remarkable person. if you look at my bad side, i'm by far the worst person to be with. i insult people without my knowledge. i pretend to know everything. i hate criticisms. i don't eat food that is necessarily sanitized. i hate nursing (sorry to say). and i don't believe in signs.

well... that was not until today...


i was walking towards CIT building to look at my grade since it was blank. for some other reason, i used the pathway near haggerty house where there were more trees and the air always seemed fresh. walking there was like a glimpse of heaven or for some, nirvana. but carrying on my walking, i kept asking myself, "what will i do after this?"

i haven't exactly been a good student. the only possible way for me to get an A is when the teacher uses all my oral scores instead of the written ones or that she takes my attendance as the bigger percentage. i was almost glad when i got an A in my major. only to find, so did the rest of the class. i wanted and still want to be the best. i want it only to be me who got that. sounds selfish and ambitous. but hey, i'm only human.

when i got to the room, my teacher wasn't there so i rushed back to the department to get enrolled and just follow-up on my grade later. i still have a month to comply anyway. so when i rushed there, all my classmates were crowded together in a corner like snails. two of them were my best buds.

i told them i was going to shift to engineering. half my mind was saying, "why not? jafe's there!" but the other half said, "you started this mess... now finish it!" unknown to them, i had been debating with myself for centuries about what i really want to accomplish. i want to be somebody, not just some body.

so i told my friend, "hui. i'm going to shift to engineering". so my friend asked, "which field?" so i answered, "ECE". kidding around, they both wanted to join in. i was so half serious. i swear, if they went to engineering to really shift, i would never be a philo student again! but they all thought i was joking, somehow, i wish i was. but she said, "ayaw ui. mag Law bya tang tulo!"

while waiting for my mom to be done with my sister, i sat nearby the chapel. it was a perfect morning. not only had i seen jafe, but i was able to accomplish alot of things. still, i felt disturbed by my friend's reminder about what we were going to do after college. i felt restless with the idea. is this what i'm really going to do? is this where i'm going to be placed? is this my limit?

just walking along the bench boulevard, i kept thinking, "law??? me???" i don't even know any other law besides RA 9163! and that, i had to do because of a stinking job as a student volunteer. i desperately needed someone, other than my dad, to tell me what to do. i just needed some sort of direction. yes, i needed a sign. i had needed it for so long. ever since i graduated high school, i needed to know where i was going to put myself in. not only did i want to finish my mother's ambition, but i also want to make myself a self made person. so thus i came to the idea of Law.

just when the idea escaped my mind because it was very hot outside, a man sold his old law books half price right outside the second gate of Xavier. my mother, the business woman, wanted to buy the book at 40 percent. i just told her, "ma, the book is still in good condition. just take it for what it's worth. it's more expensive inside!"

the man, who wore a red polo put his hand on my shoulder and said, "you will be a good lawyer because you have a kind spirit." i thought the man was joking! he didn't know me. i don't even know him! how would he know who i was or what kind of spirit did i have? am i really that obvious?

so my mother goes ahead and asks him, "why are you selling your books?" his face became sad and he said, "i couldn't afford the tuition anymore. so i'm selling the books for capital." imagine that! he was going to sell what he needed just to get what he wanted! and here i am, the whole world is in conspiracy to make me a lawyer, i'm even thinking twice about it? and this man, who knows what he wants, can't afford to even achieve it!

i don't know anymore what happened after that. i just couldn't keep my mind off that man and what he said. i couldn't stop thinking about it. i felt glad because i can finally grab hold of a dream. i've had so many of them, but this one, i know i can achieve. it felt so new to me to have something that is mine, and mine alone. it can't be stolen, it can't be taken from me. it's mine. and i don't even have to wish on it. i can work on it, and it's something i know i will have.

then i felt sad. i kept asking myself, hanggang dito lang ba talaga ako? but that instantly disappeared when i realized i was going to get what i wanted. i was going to reach my dream. i was going to get something i had always wanted for myself without it being the latest fad or the most wanted course. i was going to get not only a dream, but the dream.

i'm in fact right now, studying ahead of time. i know it's too soon. but you can't ever be too prepared. and besides, if it's a dream, i need to be at my best game. no foolishness when it comes to that. i'm finally going to get something that makes me happy. i'm going to get what my parents want and what i want. i'm going to accomplish my mother's dream. i'm going to be somebody. all i need is strength, perseverance, diligence and hard work.

and of course a bit of what troy bolton said, "keep your head in the game."