sorry to steal the title from a song, but i believe that i'd do it justice if i write something deeper and more profound. but this line in the song started with, "oh god give me a reason, i'm down on bended knees". unlike the song which tells the story of a man who is desperately trying to get over his agony (as well as himself), he goes back to the lord for comfort and wisdom.
just this morning as i was headed to liceo for my driving lesson, my father blasted the car with christian music. it was up to 16 which was very loud. i could barely hear myself think! i got so mad that i screamed at him to lower down the radio so my mom could drive properly. he then inserts himself and says "i don't understand what your saying anyway so i'm going to listen to something I enjoy!". i mean, of course it makes sense. it doesn't bother me what he listens to, what does bother me is how he constantly puts us in a position where we all want to hate him. i naturally don't care about him. i've lost my passion to continue life for my dad. and yes, i have learned to stop loving him a long time ago.
so back off, we were in the car right? so... he asks me "how many minutes do you spend for God?" i kept quiet because i already told him that everything i do is for God. i make my deeds a form of sacrifice. he then says, "see, you can't even answer me!" pissed off, i told him, "you don't get to tell me what to do! don't dictate me on how i should praise God! just because you can't control your life, it doesn't mean you should control mine!" and almost automatically, my father kept quiet.
a few minutes later, while driving out of town, i regained sanity. even though i didn't love my father, i had no right to treat him that way. even if i hated having to believe in God because that was what he constantly pinned down in my head, i still believed in him which meant it was at least in a way effective. i just hated the idea that my life was being run by a self proclaimed emperor. then i came to the idea that if i wasn't able to treat my father with respect, i wasn't doing God any good either.
it's like, there is a commandment that says, "fathers, do not provoke your children". and i have been using that as an excuse to hate my father. instead of looking for good things he has done to me, i constantly keep my eyes on his mistake and never ever forget to remember them. all i see is him trying to make me miserable. in ways it is true, he even forgets my name, but in some... it's not the case.
even when i told my father that i didn't love him anymore, he still paid for my school. he bought me a car, he wrote down our house in my name and promised me a future in the states. even when i made up reasons to hate him, he continually found reasons to love me.
i really don't love my dad. honestly, i want to live without being with him. but then again, i can't imagine my dad not being with me when i need him most.
i remember a time when i was two years old when he would take me outside to bathe me. i was too young to pronounce "kabo". he brought me outside that one afternoon. i could still remember because my mother was making salted eggs and balut for extra income and she'd always make them in the afternoon when she was done with siesta. so my dad put me on a wooden cover for the huge water tank. he didn't notice that it was already rotting because he was busy getting my soap and clean clothes. i didn't notice either since... well... i was still 2.
he went back inside the house to get what he needed for my bath which included the kabo. i was singing mandy when the wood broke in half and i fell head first into the tank full of water.
they say that at the moment before you die, you see have a flashback. my life wasn't that long so there wasn't so much to look at. all i remember was my mother holding me in her arms while making me go to sleep. i remember my dad singing, "pipay, i love you so. don't you know oh oh oh, pipay i love you so... pipay i love you so." and stuck in that upside down position, almost out of breath, lungs almost collapsing, i felt a touch on my ankle and i was pulled upward.
my dad saved me.
the same thing happened when i was four. i was following my sister and our neighbor len-len who were planning to get native guavas at the back of our small farm. they told me to stay behind, but i kept following them anyway.
we passed by a broken canal my dad demolished before because water could not pass through properly. my sisters acrobatically walked at the sides and continued to push me away. angrier and desperate to have my sister's attention, i went on following them.
i tripped on a rock and fell head first into the hole where my head hit a broken glass. the scar still is visible 'till this day. moments later, i opened my eyes to see my father holding me in his arms and my mother getting gauze and guava tea to wash my wound.
all those times i was inches away from death, my father came to the rescue. he was always ready to pull me out of deep-shit situations. and for that, i thank God for him. for every good thing he did, i bless my dad.
turning around, i saw myself. all those times, i had always been the "good child". i was the one who always got good grades, the one who never got into trouble, the one who was continually progressive. i was always the one who my parents gave everything to. i was always the one who my parents wanted to be with. and no matter how effed up things were, i was always the one they trusted. but all these titles were my choice. i didn't want to be the reason why my parents kept regretting why they made children. i didn't want to be the worst child, they already have bad ones.
but behind closed doors, they don't know who i am. i'm still the girl who has a summer ritual of trying to kill herself. i'm still the girl who wishes to get cancer just so she could die. i'm still the girl who never learns. i'm still the girl who had a child but died. i'm still the girl who feels unloved. and i'm definately still the girl who can't find her true identity.
to them, they see me as someone strong and independent. but to those who know me, they see me as someone who separates herself. i don't know why i am like this. i don't really give in to one set of friends for a long time. i always seem to run into bad reasons to stay and i always abandon them regardless if they need me or not. and i always want to be alone even if it means going away from God's light just so i could prove to everyone that i made it without anyone's help.
reflecting upon this want, it still went back to my sisters. my eldest had always been the genius, and that's not just a title i gave her. she is, literally, a genius. she was the one who knew how to spell before she could talk. she knew how to write and read. she could draw, she could dance, she could do anything except sing. my other sister was always the one who knew how to gain money. she always knew how to embezzle everyone. she was the meanest of us 3. she would make me cry on a regular basis. she could sing. and boy, she has one heck of a voice. but neither of them wanted me around during my childhood.
i would enter their room to play with them. they would push me out of their room and tell me i didn't belong there. it was just a childish thing. but i couldn't forget how my eldest said "no she's not my sister" when i called her in recess. i most especially couldn't forget when my other sister went to her friend's birthday party instead of mine. i would never forget how my sister took my lunch money because she said she already used hers to buy a yoyo. and at that time, you were the coolest kid when you had a yoyo that flashes light.
but a more mature thing came along when i was in second year high school when my sister had sex with my boyfriend. my other sister's boyfriend almost raped me but she still chose him over me and said, "starting now, you don't have me as your sister anymore." i still remember how they forced me to enter a relationship where the boy only got me drunk and raped me. and i definately remember how my sister punched me in the face in dv soria and my mother took my sister's side.unknown to them, i still bear these things in my heart. unknown to all of them, i still hurt all over again when i remember these things.
but, if i look at the positive side to what they did, they have done alot of good things to me. like my eldest teaching me algebra in grade 6. my other sister teaching me how to sing. my sisters who took me out for lunch when i had my first heart break and my sisters who celebrated with me when i graduated and was offered to school in xavier. they were the ones who saw me cry, even if sometimes they were the reason.
my family had always been the apple of discord. everything always goes wrong. but hey, they're just human. even i make mistakes, i just don't know them. i am sometimes optimistic, but there are times when i wake my mother in the middle of the night because i want to die. there are times when i broke my mother's heart when i pulled out a knife and desperately tried to cut my wrist because i felt discontented. there are times when everything is oh so wrong, but my family remains strong for me. my dad pulls me out of shitty situations, my mother takes my side whenever i need it, my sisters take me out when i'm sad (with tanduay in hand).
and through the years, they are a constant reminder to me that God exists.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
confront me
i'm not one to complain about things. i shouldn't be so pessimistic. i know my place and i know i make mistakes. this is one thing i hate which always happens every damn year and every new damn friend. there is always a falling out. it's either i run out of positive things to look for in a friend, OR, i can sense being unwanted.
i'm not that numb. i admit in fact that i'm too sensitive even at times i shouldn't. and when the time calls for me to be, i don't. i act like a bitch and insult everyone in the room. i don't mind people hating me for being who i am. i wish i could change, but then again, i don't want to. but so, here goes my blog.
i'm starting to hate what this friend is doing. every time we talk, she pulls out the carpet under my feet. it's not a literal statement, but i wish you'd get the point. there are times when criticism is good. in fact, it is always best for people to keep track of their lives. but this friend of mine, it's like it's her agenda to just piss me off. she cuts me off, and then she doesn't talk at all. sometimes, i don't care whether it is intentional or not, she shuts me off. it's like if i were a blazing fire, she'd hose me down.
i know i shouldn't mind it. she wouldn't make me feel any bit of this anger and disappointment without my consent right?
so my agenda for these upcoming months is to just simply avoid her. i won't make myself prolong any agony.... enough.
i'm not that numb. i admit in fact that i'm too sensitive even at times i shouldn't. and when the time calls for me to be, i don't. i act like a bitch and insult everyone in the room. i don't mind people hating me for being who i am. i wish i could change, but then again, i don't want to. but so, here goes my blog.
i'm starting to hate what this friend is doing. every time we talk, she pulls out the carpet under my feet. it's not a literal statement, but i wish you'd get the point. there are times when criticism is good. in fact, it is always best for people to keep track of their lives. but this friend of mine, it's like it's her agenda to just piss me off. she cuts me off, and then she doesn't talk at all. sometimes, i don't care whether it is intentional or not, she shuts me off. it's like if i were a blazing fire, she'd hose me down.
i know i shouldn't mind it. she wouldn't make me feel any bit of this anger and disappointment without my consent right?
so my agenda for these upcoming months is to just simply avoid her. i won't make myself prolong any agony.... enough.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
unpampered spirits
christopher woke up that morning with an aching head. clearly hung over from partying all night. he rushed over to the comfort room to dispose involuntarily whatever it was he injested.
he washes his face at the sink and pauses to take a deep breath while letting the water run and drain down what he just threw up. a red but pale face looks back at him. the mirror seems to show him a very unfamiliar side of chris; a side he had always welcomed, but never progressively stood up for.
he pauses to find himself thinking about thoughts he had always wished would go away. he stands up straight and goes to the kitchen. he opens the fridge as usual and drinks a couple bottle of beers for breafast. and maybe... just maybe... he might get drunk and not think about it again.
and it has been like that for as long as everyone can remember. nobody really knows his story. everytime somebody asks him, it's either he gives a nervous laugh or an angry stare. his friends know the reason, but most have forgotten the exact details. but for him... the memories are still vivid. he still remembers his everything.
he steps out of his house everyday, find a ride to town and get drunk as usual with his usual circle of friends who are only too apathetic to see that he was not alright. and for a long time... christopher disappeared. that was when everyone panicked. this is where our story begins...
"he always seemed to have nothing wrong with him" says jade; his partner in crime. she always seemed to know everyone. she always thought she was right. she was scanning through old scrapbooks and photo albums. there, the distant smile of christopher seemed real enough to touch.
"does he have anyone he might have gone to?" asked hazel, the concerned yet forgotten friend. everyone hated her because she always wanted to talk things out. people didn't like her because she was always the first to get drunk and first to leave. jade, sweet and stain turn their heads away from her and ignore her.
"what really happened?" asked sweet who was scratching her head in confusion. she was always the pretty one and the one who every one wanted to be with. stain turned his head to her and started his version of christopher's story.
"he loved her before. she was always there. every single day. but he fell in-love with someone else" he started. stain was always half-right with his stories.
"girl or boy?" asked lyris, the youngest of the group. she was the one who knew everything, but was as closed as a clam.
"ha ha! what a question!" said jade. she slammed the books shut and joined stain and sweet laughing. lyris simply looked back at hazel who was clearly insulted by their ignorance.
"does he have anyone he might have gone to?" asked lyris who noticed the question was left unanswered. jade paused to think and eventually lied down in despair and speachlessness. her eyes were staring at the ceiling.
"pour me a cup of coffee." stain told hazel. she stood up without a sound or any form of violent reaction. lyris went with her and talked things over.
"how could this happen?" whispered sweet who was devastated by his disappearance.
hazel came back with a cup of coffee in her hand while lyris brought the sugar and cream. stain snapped his fingers and hazel passed it to him.
"did anyone check his house?" hazel asked who was busy attending to the refreshments but still keeping her mind on the topic. jade rolled her eyes and ignored the question. stain just gave an arrogant laugh while sweet remained speachless. she had noticed everyone ignoring her every question.
"since when did this happen?" asked lyris. jade sat straight up from lying down and lit a cigarette.
"i don't know. he last called me a week ago. but that was all i heard from him." she said and she blew smoke from her nose.
"well... what did he say?" asked sweet who stood up and sat next to her. she needed to hear this.
"well... i was drunk. i could barely remember. all i do remember is him saying that he'll be fine." she said. she rested her head on sweet's lap and tried to close her eyes and survive the hang over.
"where could he be?" lyris asked herself. everyone sat down to think. hazel had a clue where he weant... but she knew that as soon as she opened her mouth, everyone would discard everything she says whether it was the truth or a hunch.
"have we tried looking near the beach? he might just be there" said hazel. jade opened her eyes to think and sat straight up again.
"can you please shut up? that is such a stupid idea! why would he go there? he would most likely go to a place where we never would think to find him!" she screamed at hazel. lyris sat beside hazel and carressed her back as hazel swallowed her pride and kept quiet. she obviously felt insulted, but tolerated it.
"jade... just stop being so hostile." said lyris who was trying to comfort hazel.
"who are you to dictate me?" she barked. "get me a glass of water!" she demanded from hazel. she stood up and did it anyway. although she didn't know anymore why, but she kept that circle of friends.
"jade. stop being so harsh." said lyris who was noticing the tension getting hotter by the second.
"you're just my little sister!" she said. hazel who was inside the kitchen heard the screaming and backsassing.
"i'm going guys." said hazel who everyone ignored.
"there you go. you always leave whenever we need you most!" shouted jade. hazel seemed insulted by her remark when in fact... all of them made her want to leave. lyris only softened the impact of their incessant insults.
"what do you need me for? you don't listen to me!" she said and stood up. she aimed to storm out of the room and leave them for good. lyris held her arm in a desperate attempt to not make the situation grow worse.
"who would want to listen to you?" said stain who gave an insulting laughter. lyris felt hazel's arm stiffen and it grew hotter. her fists were anticipating a punch but she was well aware about her dignity and she respected all of them.
"stop it." said marie. stain's girlfriend. she came in from the door behind hazel. everyone turned around in surprise. her eyes were sore and swollen.
"love" called stain affectionately and kissed her cheek. she rejected the kiss and sat down with hazel who was now sitting at the counter; trying to recover herself.
"you sit here and think that this will help christopher." she began. she was about to begin the sermon that would make them behave rationally again.
"christopher's gone and the best you can do is speculate where he could be? jade... you were too drunk to realize that chris was trying to commit suicide. stain, you were too busy making hazel look like a fool to realize what he was about to do. and sweet, you were too busy having fun with those boys to realize that he sent 10 messages because he needed someone to talk to!" she pointed out. jade, the overconfident spawn of the devil refuted.
"and where were you? you think you're so innocent!" she screamed. silence struck the room as marie's eyes bursted into tiny bitter tears. she kept her posture straight and firm, "i was with my mother. she died that night."
jade took a step back in embarrassment. hazel didn't look around to see if any of them were surprised. she wasn't. she knew about it. but she never told a sould since...well... nobody cared what she said.
"i'm sorry marie" came out lyris' quiet voice.
"do you know where christopher is?" asked hazel. marie turned around to face her and nodded.
"where is he?" asked hazel.
"where do you think?" said marie. hazel pondered around for a few minutes in silent contemplation.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
the psychic instructor
today, my driving instructor was sir adonis. it was just like yesterday with kuya arbie except that i was much more comfortable with him because of his charm and that helped ease the nerves of a novice. it was my first time yesterday to drive on the highway so speeding was one of my main concerns as well as signals and clutch-break-gas decisions.
today however, i drove things more than just a car. i drove myself into a never ending spiral of confusion and obscurity and eventually... insanity. i could not think whether i should pursue my friend and classmate or my crush for almost two school years.
it hit me when i was driving uphill to lumbia airport which was a 10 minute drive from my house and a 30 minute drive from bulua. hanging on to my thoughts as entertainment while driving; i came across the thought of her smile. it was the one she had given me in sociology class when i got my hair fixed and her hand accidently caressed my chin. the feeling of soft and unsure comfort; everything was so fresh even if it happened once in the previous semester. that memory should be buried along with every wrong and right feeling i had. then almost suddenly, my instructor pulled the break extension at the passenger's side.
"whatever it is you're thinking about, don't" he said casually. i was unsure whether he could read minds or that my thoughts somehow didn't stay in a thought bubble.
partially, i would have just told him to drive the car for me and let me go home. i didn't want to drive anymore. until he said, "pull over here". i stopped the car at his demand and he let out a thunder of laughter. it might have been because i was not thinking about the road, i was thinking about both of them at the same time. whichever i was going to choose then could be my only shot at happiness.
but after talking things over with my long time crush and current boyfriend, it was one of those things i could have just left behind. i could have just told him it was over despite of his pleading and his evident change. i could have pulled the breaks, but i couldn't. weakness? maybe... stupidity? surely.
he held my hand under a huge mango tree. i felt so sure the words to let him go would escape my mouth. instead i asked him if i would ever see him again. it was so hard to let him go because the only attention i ever wanted from anyone was right there and i didn't have to beg or cry for it. it was just handed to me for free. that kind of love is hard to find.
i don't know sincerely if my friend was right that because i'm discontent with my family, i'm looking for some other source of my emotional necessities. i don't know even if it crossed her mind that i'm desperate. but surely, i'm not strong enough to let him go yet. and i have not owned my classmate so i could let her go. either way, one of them has to mean something to me. i had to choose today; myself, the man i waited for for two years, or my not so close friend ever since national service training program.
i read somewhere that a confused heart is so much harder to teach than a confused mind. the mind can simply aquire knowledge and validity in the data through books. but the heart is unteachable. it is the only stubborn thing in the body which, when targetted, goes to where there is hurt and which the heart hurts about something because it means something to the heart. mindlessly, i chose to use my heart in more than 100 ways. all were a failure.
this is by far my most uncomfortable experience ever and i regret ever entering this. but whenever i get out of this, i'm sure i will learn a thing or two. hopefully, it won't take long.
today however, i drove things more than just a car. i drove myself into a never ending spiral of confusion and obscurity and eventually... insanity. i could not think whether i should pursue my friend and classmate or my crush for almost two school years.
it hit me when i was driving uphill to lumbia airport which was a 10 minute drive from my house and a 30 minute drive from bulua. hanging on to my thoughts as entertainment while driving; i came across the thought of her smile. it was the one she had given me in sociology class when i got my hair fixed and her hand accidently caressed my chin. the feeling of soft and unsure comfort; everything was so fresh even if it happened once in the previous semester. that memory should be buried along with every wrong and right feeling i had. then almost suddenly, my instructor pulled the break extension at the passenger's side.
"whatever it is you're thinking about, don't" he said casually. i was unsure whether he could read minds or that my thoughts somehow didn't stay in a thought bubble.
partially, i would have just told him to drive the car for me and let me go home. i didn't want to drive anymore. until he said, "pull over here". i stopped the car at his demand and he let out a thunder of laughter. it might have been because i was not thinking about the road, i was thinking about both of them at the same time. whichever i was going to choose then could be my only shot at happiness.
but after talking things over with my long time crush and current boyfriend, it was one of those things i could have just left behind. i could have just told him it was over despite of his pleading and his evident change. i could have pulled the breaks, but i couldn't. weakness? maybe... stupidity? surely.
he held my hand under a huge mango tree. i felt so sure the words to let him go would escape my mouth. instead i asked him if i would ever see him again. it was so hard to let him go because the only attention i ever wanted from anyone was right there and i didn't have to beg or cry for it. it was just handed to me for free. that kind of love is hard to find.
i don't know sincerely if my friend was right that because i'm discontent with my family, i'm looking for some other source of my emotional necessities. i don't know even if it crossed her mind that i'm desperate. but surely, i'm not strong enough to let him go yet. and i have not owned my classmate so i could let her go. either way, one of them has to mean something to me. i had to choose today; myself, the man i waited for for two years, or my not so close friend ever since national service training program.
i read somewhere that a confused heart is so much harder to teach than a confused mind. the mind can simply aquire knowledge and validity in the data through books. but the heart is unteachable. it is the only stubborn thing in the body which, when targetted, goes to where there is hurt and which the heart hurts about something because it means something to the heart. mindlessly, i chose to use my heart in more than 100 ways. all were a failure.
this is by far my most uncomfortable experience ever and i regret ever entering this. but whenever i get out of this, i'm sure i will learn a thing or two. hopefully, it won't take long.
how to mend a broken heart
“honey…” she tried to confront him. He turned to his phone that was ringing incessantly.
“I need to take this. Just a minute honey” he promised. Her tears were falling back as he turned his back on her and talked to his gadget. People around her beamed at her while she tried to wait for chris to come back.
“would you like more wine miss?” asked the waiter while showing her a bottle of red wine. She had not taken notice of the label and quickly said “yes” to ease her nerves.
“I’m so sorry honey. That was my boss.” He said. It had seemed as though he had forgotten why they were out for dinner that night. It even seemed as though he had forgotten that they had been together for 5 years. It was their anniversary.
“honey. I need to tell you something” she said. Just then the waiter came from the kitchen with a dish on both hands for each of them.
“oh good. Dinner is here” he said in relief. Her eyes were getting heavier and heavier as the waiter flicked his match and soon enough her dish was blazing in fire.
“isn’t this great honey. Just you and me… no work for a week.” He said happily. He was clearly unaware of her staring at him and waiting for him to listen to her even when she was not talking. He fixed his table napkin on his lap and he got his knife and fork and cut through the steak he had just gotten from the waiter.
“honey.” She attempted again.
“what?” he said. His hands were each holding a utensil and were resting on the white table cloth.
“I’m…” she started before she was clearly interrupted by the phone call chris got again.
“I’m sorry honey. Let me take this.” He excused himself and got up again.
Her food stopped burning and she ate quietly her chicken. The food was great but the flavor was washed away by her tears that were flowing down. She ate while waiting for him to come back again.
“miss. Are you okay?” asked the table beside her. She nodded in denial and continued eating. The old couple beside her handed a handkerchief.
“your husband doesn’t know what he has here.” Said the old man in black suit. she stiffened her upper lip and waited for him to come back again.
“honey.” She said as soon as he sat down.
“I’m so glad that was over. Let’s eat now.” He invited. He had just forgotten that she was going to tell him something. She put her fork and knife together at the right side of her plate. She wasn’t finished with dinner yet, but she was through with him.
“honey.” She started again.
“aren’t you going to eat?” he asked ignoring what she had to say. He kept on chewing incessantly his steak which he kept remarking as “superb!”
“no.” she said.
“we should get a doggy bag. Maybe you’d like to finish later” he said. She put her hands together and just kept crying. He didn’t notice her until the waiter handed over the desserts.
“honey!” he exclaimed in worry. “is the food here that bad?” he ignorantly asked.
“honey. it’s not that anymore.” she started to tell him it was over and she was leaving him for good; pregnant or not. his phone beeped again. he flipped open his phone in excitement.
“honey look. My friends invited us over this weekend to the beach.” He inserted again. he got up again and quickly dialed his friend’s number while she was left again.
Realizing that she’d never be worth anything to chris, she stood up and he came back after seeing her about to leave.
“honey. not here.” He whispered embarrassingly. He had just noticed every couple in the area glaring at him. She opened her purse and slammed $300 to his chest.
“here’s my share for tonight” she said. He was just starting to realize the brevity of the moment.
“honey. I can pay for tonight” he giggled. He rested his arm behind her and tried to encourage her to sit down again.
“you didn’t hesitate to pay for tonight. But you also didn’t hesitate to make me your option chris.” She said bluntly and she stormed out of the restaurant. Every glaring eye turned away and noise came back from each table. They all resumed talking about things he never paid attention to.
he pulled out a box from his pocket and opened his diamond ring for her. with regret; he closed his tiny box of dreams and sat back down and ate dinner by himself.
Friday, May 22, 2009
moving on
Chapter 12
Raymond’s car left from view. With my heart in his hands, he drove off unknowing what value he made. He made me realize what it took to be strong. He made me realize that I had to be weak, and that was my right.
The door kept open still. Leaves brought by the wind blew in. the moonlight brought a blue beaming cold aura. The breeze pierced through my thick long jacket. It gnawed on my feet under the boots. It shattered my soul. I entered the house like a phantom; unhappy and longing.
I closed the door behind me and continued walking. The stairs was only a few steps away. I saw light escaping from Andrew’s room only broken by his shadow. He was there, sitting idly on top of the stairs with his hands akimbo. His eyes disturbed me with their silence. The bruises in his soul were visibly seen. I ignored them.
“where have you been?” he asked coldly. His eyes didn’t blink or move. His body remained still.
“you know where I’ve been.” I replied. I stood there staring up at him. I was at the foot of the stairs, untouched by his light.
“no I don’t. answer me!” he screamed while he stood up and took a step closer to me.
“I was home Andrew.” I responded. He took another step nearer to me.
“do you know how worried I’ve been?” his face turned awry. His voice shook with every tone.
“Andrew. I’m so sorry” I said. His foot took a step back. He was shocked. It seemed like he did not understand what I just said.
“what?” he asked with his hand resting at the handle attached to the stairs.
“I’m sorry Andrew.” I repeated. He kept his silence. He took another step back and walked into his room. he made no sound. He showed no sign of forgiveness. He ignored me at the point when I needed him to pay attention. I didn’t understand him at all. I decided to follow him into his room where I found him near the window. His room was now filled with drawings on sheets of paper stuck to the wall by cellulose tape. His back faced me while his entire body sat on a chair facing the window. His desk had several sheets of paper, a few colored pens and an unorganized stack of comics. The floor creaked when I tried to enter his room.
He turned his head slightly side to his side and said “I never thought you’d be so weak.”
“i didn’t expect it either.” I replied.
“how could you just leave me like that chels?” he asked. I saw his cheeks turn pink with hurt.
“Chelsea. Why did you bother coming back?” he said while standing up and turning around to face me. I opened my mouth to explain, but he shut me out.
“you always leave people hanging Chelsea. I thought we were in this together.” He said. I couldn’t open my mouth to speak. I couldn’t look into the eyes of a disappointed brother. I took a step closer to him.
“try to understand Andrew. Even warriors need a place to rest.” I explained. His head hung low and raised them back up to me. I saw his pale skin fill with more pink.
“I know I had hurt you. I had to Andrew. You just had to stop depending on me. You just had to grow up.” I continued. He showed me no sign that he understood me.
“you left because you were a coward!” he screamed. He shocked me with his intensity.
“you had to make excuses!” he went on. My eyebrows crunched together in confusion. I ran to him and tried to lock him. He was screaming in my embrace and crying and threw his fist. He wrestled me into his bed where we both fell. But I didn’t let him go.
“you left me Chelsea!” he kept screaming.
“I’m sorry Andrew!” I whispered loudly. He didn’t stop his tantrum until I said, “Andrew. I’m your sister. And I love you. we’re still in this together. You’re the only one I have.”
He stopped moving. I could only hear his sad, pathetic moan of despair. He kept sobbing in my arms. He was weakened with this touch I had never showed him. He felt like he was decreasing his strength. I felt his heart getting softer.
“Andrew… I’m sorry.” I kept repeating. He kept crying and moaning underneath the embrace. His breath washed away the cold, bitterness set on us by every rock we stumbled on. His hardened skin became softer and his tears fell into his bed. That was when I let him go.
He stared into my eyes. He blinked them a couple of times along with his deep breath. His face was sad and confused. His eyes became heavier and heavier. Soon enough, he fell into a deep slumber. He breathed slower and his calm, normal self surfaced again.
I sat on his bed facing away from the distorted image of my brother. The night went on like I silent ghost, unseen and undisturbed. I didn’t see the night pass me by. Andrew was sleeping silently while I sat awake.
I didn’t know right then and there what laid ahead of me. I knew everyone wouldn’t care about me coming back to school. But facing everyone as a renewed person might change everything. Just almost instantly, jairus’ memory passed through me. That was when I knew exactly what to do.
I went back to my room. I flipped open the trunk full of memories. Inside were jairus’ t-shirt, his favorite cd’s and our pictures. I got a black trash bag from the kitchen drawers and dumped them all inside. Including the candles from the surprise birthday he set up for me the year before.
I just realized that I wanted to move on. And holding on to these memories will only keep me trapped in the past. I needed to let him go desperately.
His face on the pictures brought many wonderful memories. They built a story I could not forget. But he was right. He did the right thing for me and for him. Dawn was bound to make him happy.
Raymond’s car left from view. With my heart in his hands, he drove off unknowing what value he made. He made me realize what it took to be strong. He made me realize that I had to be weak, and that was my right.
The door kept open still. Leaves brought by the wind blew in. the moonlight brought a blue beaming cold aura. The breeze pierced through my thick long jacket. It gnawed on my feet under the boots. It shattered my soul. I entered the house like a phantom; unhappy and longing.
I closed the door behind me and continued walking. The stairs was only a few steps away. I saw light escaping from Andrew’s room only broken by his shadow. He was there, sitting idly on top of the stairs with his hands akimbo. His eyes disturbed me with their silence. The bruises in his soul were visibly seen. I ignored them.
“where have you been?” he asked coldly. His eyes didn’t blink or move. His body remained still.
“you know where I’ve been.” I replied. I stood there staring up at him. I was at the foot of the stairs, untouched by his light.
“no I don’t. answer me!” he screamed while he stood up and took a step closer to me.
“I was home Andrew.” I responded. He took another step nearer to me.
“do you know how worried I’ve been?” his face turned awry. His voice shook with every tone.
“Andrew. I’m so sorry” I said. His foot took a step back. He was shocked. It seemed like he did not understand what I just said.
“what?” he asked with his hand resting at the handle attached to the stairs.
“I’m sorry Andrew.” I repeated. He kept his silence. He took another step back and walked into his room. he made no sound. He showed no sign of forgiveness. He ignored me at the point when I needed him to pay attention. I didn’t understand him at all. I decided to follow him into his room where I found him near the window. His room was now filled with drawings on sheets of paper stuck to the wall by cellulose tape. His back faced me while his entire body sat on a chair facing the window. His desk had several sheets of paper, a few colored pens and an unorganized stack of comics. The floor creaked when I tried to enter his room.
He turned his head slightly side to his side and said “I never thought you’d be so weak.”
“i didn’t expect it either.” I replied.
“how could you just leave me like that chels?” he asked. I saw his cheeks turn pink with hurt.
“Chelsea. Why did you bother coming back?” he said while standing up and turning around to face me. I opened my mouth to explain, but he shut me out.
“you always leave people hanging Chelsea. I thought we were in this together.” He said. I couldn’t open my mouth to speak. I couldn’t look into the eyes of a disappointed brother. I took a step closer to him.
“try to understand Andrew. Even warriors need a place to rest.” I explained. His head hung low and raised them back up to me. I saw his pale skin fill with more pink.
“I know I had hurt you. I had to Andrew. You just had to stop depending on me. You just had to grow up.” I continued. He showed me no sign that he understood me.
“you left because you were a coward!” he screamed. He shocked me with his intensity.
“you had to make excuses!” he went on. My eyebrows crunched together in confusion. I ran to him and tried to lock him. He was screaming in my embrace and crying and threw his fist. He wrestled me into his bed where we both fell. But I didn’t let him go.
“you left me Chelsea!” he kept screaming.
“I’m sorry Andrew!” I whispered loudly. He didn’t stop his tantrum until I said, “Andrew. I’m your sister. And I love you. we’re still in this together. You’re the only one I have.”
He stopped moving. I could only hear his sad, pathetic moan of despair. He kept sobbing in my arms. He was weakened with this touch I had never showed him. He felt like he was decreasing his strength. I felt his heart getting softer.
“Andrew… I’m sorry.” I kept repeating. He kept crying and moaning underneath the embrace. His breath washed away the cold, bitterness set on us by every rock we stumbled on. His hardened skin became softer and his tears fell into his bed. That was when I let him go.
He stared into my eyes. He blinked them a couple of times along with his deep breath. His face was sad and confused. His eyes became heavier and heavier. Soon enough, he fell into a deep slumber. He breathed slower and his calm, normal self surfaced again.
I sat on his bed facing away from the distorted image of my brother. The night went on like I silent ghost, unseen and undisturbed. I didn’t see the night pass me by. Andrew was sleeping silently while I sat awake.
I didn’t know right then and there what laid ahead of me. I knew everyone wouldn’t care about me coming back to school. But facing everyone as a renewed person might change everything. Just almost instantly, jairus’ memory passed through me. That was when I knew exactly what to do.
I went back to my room. I flipped open the trunk full of memories. Inside were jairus’ t-shirt, his favorite cd’s and our pictures. I got a black trash bag from the kitchen drawers and dumped them all inside. Including the candles from the surprise birthday he set up for me the year before.
I just realized that I wanted to move on. And holding on to these memories will only keep me trapped in the past. I needed to let him go desperately.
His face on the pictures brought many wonderful memories. They built a story I could not forget. But he was right. He did the right thing for me and for him. Dawn was bound to make him happy.
eleven
Chapter eleven
The road was long and it was soon getting dark. We were closer and closer to home. I wasn’t anxious. I was excited about school again and I wanted to see Andrew. I guess I just needed a fresh mind to re-think my thoughts.
He took a left when we reached the crossing about a town before mine. It had been 3 hours long. It was a far drive. And with every moment passing, I felt my heart jumping for joy.
“we’re almost there” he said coldly. His eyes were squinting within the darkness. He was tired from driving. I didn’t answer him. He kept driving on, without a sound until he saw a gas station. It was marked at the right side of the road. I could see its yellow and red lines from far away. He turned on his light signals and turned right.
He pulled in and put the gas nozzle into the gas tank and he went to the store across the car. I looked behind me and saw his bag on the back seat. It was a green bag. The texture was rough and itchy. I opened the inside thinking there might have been some cassette to play instead of the radio. But no luck, I closed his bag after finding only his clothes.
It took about a few minutes when the gas stopped flowing and he came back from the store. He opened a bag of chips and started binging on it. His eyes were red and they looked tired. He slid the bag under his arm as he opened a can of soda. He closed his eyes as I saw him gulp down. His adam’s apple moved up and down as he drank every drop. After drinking, he licked his lips and crushed the can while walking to me. He threw the can at a trash can near the car.
He slid money to the gas boy who checked the car engine as soon as he did. He opened the car and put on his cap. He got another soda and put it in my hand and opened it for me. The bag of chips was near the hand brake. The gas boy closed the cover for the engine and showed us the way out. Raymond turned on the car and put the bag of chips on the dashboard and sped away.
“I don’t know how to say this…” he started. he took a deep, subtle breath and continued, “ but I’m so sorry.”
A tear ran across his face. But he kept his face straight and solid. He was like ice; cold and hard but… tasteless.
“ray… there’s nothing to be sorry about” I responded.
“no there is. You’re right. Thanks for telling me the truth.” He said. He sniffed his nose as he kept driving until he came to a red light.
“I’m sorry too ray.” I started. I held his hand tightly as they gripped the clutch. “I never meant to hurt you. I just didn’t expect us to get this far. I just didn’t think you had to know. I wanted to be with you ray. It was just that… I didn’t know how to deal with a guy who always got what he wanted when I’m the same.” I continued. He became pale but continued being hard.
“did we go too fast?” He said as if it had just then became a fact. He didn’t notice my eyes getting wet with hurt.
“no ray… we just didn’t work out.” I tried to tell him. He stopped talking after that. I know what he did was wrong. But I was so attached to him now, there was just no way of setting him free. He had me at my worst, he just deserved my best.
When he turned right after a few blocks from the gas station, we came to the suburbia where I lived. My house was still about a few blocks away. The trees were wrestling against each other within the darkness of the night. He drove on and on.
“ray… thanks for everything” I said while putting my hand on his back and gave him a pat.
He and I soon saw the mailbox of my house where he stopped to park the car. The house seemed dark and desolate except for a light in andrew’s room.
“we’re here” he said sadly. The car stopped its humming and turned to me. I could not find the courage to step outside. He unlocked the doors and I heard my door make a huge click. My empty can of soda in my hand became warm but my hand was cold.
“I don’t think I’m ready” I said while looking at the light from andrew’s room. I looked at Raymond. He smiled at me like it was alright.
“I’m here for you all the way.” He said. He took my hand and held it tightly.
“let me walk you to your door.” He got off his chair and stepped outside the car. He got my bag from the back and opened the door for me. He laid out his hand for him to catch me.
“ray. I’m not sure I can do this.” I said. My hands were shivering cold. I guess he felt it. I didn’t let go.
“lets go Chelsea. Andrew’s waiting for you.” he said. I stepped out with one foot at a time. I closed the car door behind me.
He kept holding my hand as he and I walked towards the door. He walked slower for me this time. When we arrived at the porch where he dropped the bag, he kept silent and let go of my hand. He stood there.
“this is it Chelsea.” He said. He knocked on the door three times. Nobody seemed to hear us from inside. He knocked again. still nobody heard us. I was so annoyed at either he was pretending to be blind or he wanted to prolong the agony of the chilly weather. I pointed to him the buzzer which was at the right side of the door. He pressed it for a few seconds until the lights came on. Somebody opened the door and I found Andrew.
“Andrew.” I called. He looked at me as if nothing happened.
“chelsea” he called back. He opened the door wider without any embrace. It seemed as though I wasn’t gone. My mind went. ”hey! I was gone you know!” but he was blank.
“Raymond.” He called. Raymond stared at me with a look of concern. He seemed to notice that nothing changed. We were both disturbed by the unwelcomed coldness between me and Andrew.
“Andrew. I’ve been gone. Is this the welcome home I get?” I asked. his eyebrow raised.
“are you getting inside or not?” he asked. I bent over to get the bag of clothes and Raymond stepped away.
“maybe I’ll catch up inside Andrew.” I said. He left the door open. He disappeared from our view as Raymond stood behind me.
“ray… this is me. So… thank you for everything.” I said. He took a step close and hugged me.
“I’m going to miss this hug” I said. He smiled at me. His face was only three inches away from me. I felt his warm breath against mine. I saw his eyes twinkle within the stillness of darkness around us. I was weakened by his closeness.
“don’t try and kiss me ray.” I warned. He made a little laugh.
“I can’t make you do things you don’t want to.” He returned. I wanted him to.
“what if I wanted to?” I asked, “but I just can’t let you.” I said. He stopped holding me and stepped away. He turned away from me and went to his car. The road lights went on and so did his car. He drove away that night bringing more than just a memory. And I thought for a moment, he would never bring with him a part of me.
A part of me left with Raymond that night. I could not understand why or how.
The road was long and it was soon getting dark. We were closer and closer to home. I wasn’t anxious. I was excited about school again and I wanted to see Andrew. I guess I just needed a fresh mind to re-think my thoughts.
He took a left when we reached the crossing about a town before mine. It had been 3 hours long. It was a far drive. And with every moment passing, I felt my heart jumping for joy.
“we’re almost there” he said coldly. His eyes were squinting within the darkness. He was tired from driving. I didn’t answer him. He kept driving on, without a sound until he saw a gas station. It was marked at the right side of the road. I could see its yellow and red lines from far away. He turned on his light signals and turned right.
He pulled in and put the gas nozzle into the gas tank and he went to the store across the car. I looked behind me and saw his bag on the back seat. It was a green bag. The texture was rough and itchy. I opened the inside thinking there might have been some cassette to play instead of the radio. But no luck, I closed his bag after finding only his clothes.
It took about a few minutes when the gas stopped flowing and he came back from the store. He opened a bag of chips and started binging on it. His eyes were red and they looked tired. He slid the bag under his arm as he opened a can of soda. He closed his eyes as I saw him gulp down. His adam’s apple moved up and down as he drank every drop. After drinking, he licked his lips and crushed the can while walking to me. He threw the can at a trash can near the car.
He slid money to the gas boy who checked the car engine as soon as he did. He opened the car and put on his cap. He got another soda and put it in my hand and opened it for me. The bag of chips was near the hand brake. The gas boy closed the cover for the engine and showed us the way out. Raymond turned on the car and put the bag of chips on the dashboard and sped away.
“I don’t know how to say this…” he started. he took a deep, subtle breath and continued, “ but I’m so sorry.”
A tear ran across his face. But he kept his face straight and solid. He was like ice; cold and hard but… tasteless.
“ray… there’s nothing to be sorry about” I responded.
“no there is. You’re right. Thanks for telling me the truth.” He said. He sniffed his nose as he kept driving until he came to a red light.
“I’m sorry too ray.” I started. I held his hand tightly as they gripped the clutch. “I never meant to hurt you. I just didn’t expect us to get this far. I just didn’t think you had to know. I wanted to be with you ray. It was just that… I didn’t know how to deal with a guy who always got what he wanted when I’m the same.” I continued. He became pale but continued being hard.
“did we go too fast?” He said as if it had just then became a fact. He didn’t notice my eyes getting wet with hurt.
“no ray… we just didn’t work out.” I tried to tell him. He stopped talking after that. I know what he did was wrong. But I was so attached to him now, there was just no way of setting him free. He had me at my worst, he just deserved my best.
When he turned right after a few blocks from the gas station, we came to the suburbia where I lived. My house was still about a few blocks away. The trees were wrestling against each other within the darkness of the night. He drove on and on.
“ray… thanks for everything” I said while putting my hand on his back and gave him a pat.
He and I soon saw the mailbox of my house where he stopped to park the car. The house seemed dark and desolate except for a light in andrew’s room.
“we’re here” he said sadly. The car stopped its humming and turned to me. I could not find the courage to step outside. He unlocked the doors and I heard my door make a huge click. My empty can of soda in my hand became warm but my hand was cold.
“I don’t think I’m ready” I said while looking at the light from andrew’s room. I looked at Raymond. He smiled at me like it was alright.
“I’m here for you all the way.” He said. He took my hand and held it tightly.
“let me walk you to your door.” He got off his chair and stepped outside the car. He got my bag from the back and opened the door for me. He laid out his hand for him to catch me.
“ray. I’m not sure I can do this.” I said. My hands were shivering cold. I guess he felt it. I didn’t let go.
“lets go Chelsea. Andrew’s waiting for you.” he said. I stepped out with one foot at a time. I closed the car door behind me.
He kept holding my hand as he and I walked towards the door. He walked slower for me this time. When we arrived at the porch where he dropped the bag, he kept silent and let go of my hand. He stood there.
“this is it Chelsea.” He said. He knocked on the door three times. Nobody seemed to hear us from inside. He knocked again. still nobody heard us. I was so annoyed at either he was pretending to be blind or he wanted to prolong the agony of the chilly weather. I pointed to him the buzzer which was at the right side of the door. He pressed it for a few seconds until the lights came on. Somebody opened the door and I found Andrew.
“Andrew.” I called. He looked at me as if nothing happened.
“chelsea” he called back. He opened the door wider without any embrace. It seemed as though I wasn’t gone. My mind went. ”hey! I was gone you know!” but he was blank.
“Raymond.” He called. Raymond stared at me with a look of concern. He seemed to notice that nothing changed. We were both disturbed by the unwelcomed coldness between me and Andrew.
“Andrew. I’ve been gone. Is this the welcome home I get?” I asked. his eyebrow raised.
“are you getting inside or not?” he asked. I bent over to get the bag of clothes and Raymond stepped away.
“maybe I’ll catch up inside Andrew.” I said. He left the door open. He disappeared from our view as Raymond stood behind me.
“ray… this is me. So… thank you for everything.” I said. He took a step close and hugged me.
“I’m going to miss this hug” I said. He smiled at me. His face was only three inches away from me. I felt his warm breath against mine. I saw his eyes twinkle within the stillness of darkness around us. I was weakened by his closeness.
“don’t try and kiss me ray.” I warned. He made a little laugh.
“I can’t make you do things you don’t want to.” He returned. I wanted him to.
“what if I wanted to?” I asked, “but I just can’t let you.” I said. He stopped holding me and stepped away. He turned away from me and went to his car. The road lights went on and so did his car. He drove away that night bringing more than just a memory. And I thought for a moment, he would never bring with him a part of me.
A part of me left with Raymond that night. I could not understand why or how.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
fight... fight... fight...
Chapter 10
There came a knock that Sunday morning. It was loud enough to bring me to my feet. It was half past 9. I noticed the sound of hissing from the kitchen and it came along with the familiar smell of bacon and eggs. The knock became persistent.
“I’m coming!” I screamed. The knocking stopped. The huge wooden door stood in front of me as I twisted the doorknob open.
It came to my attention that Megan was at the front porch. She wasn’t with her child or Anthony. She was wearing a paint covered overhauls and her hair was freed. Her eyes were as determined as ever. Her hands were full. Both small fragile hands were holding a pie. The waft of fresh baked goodness carried by the wind made it obvious for it to be pumpkin. it was my favorite.
“hey… I heard you were heading back to town.” She said in a hillbilly-ish voice.
“so I baked you a pie. It’s pumpkin… your favorite.” She said, handing over the huge tasty treat.
“thank you” I said while sniffing the sweet aroma.
“would you like to come in for brunch?” I invited. She smiled but hesitated.
“it’s my last day here. I insist” I said. I opened the door wider and lead the way. She looked behind her with some hesitation as the wind blew past her.
“alright then.” She agreed. She shut the door behind her and followed me into the kitchen where Raymond was chopping a few spring onions.
“ray. Meg is here” I said without half a brain what that meant. Raymond raised his head to see if it was true. They both met each other’s eyes and avoided awkwardly. Meg sat near the counter while ray was minding his own business; cooking.
“I’m going to leave you two alone now. I need to get my stuff upstairs.” I said to break the silence. I left the room and went upstairs. I shot through the door and grabbed my bags and stuffed them with my clothes as fast as I could.
As soon as I was done, I sat down on the bed. It was time for me to leave this house again. I took a deep breath and tried to take in the nostalgic scent of pine and oak wood. I remembered a lot with the place.
I took in another deep breath, slowly almost tasting the days when my grandmother was still alive. I was almost 9 years old again. I could almost feel her warm, wrinkled arms around my lanky, misshapen, bruised body. I opened my eyes and saw nothing but the light against the cabinet.
I was going to leave again.
Step by step, I went down the stair case. I memorized every creak and squeak of the floor boards. The mahogany steps visibly showing the nails my grandfather hammered down before. I was closer to the end of the staircase with a bag in each hand.
“I’m packed” I said to Raymond while he was munching on some raw carrots.
“just set them on the counter.” He said while turning to the pans and tending to whatever he was making.
“here… I’ll take them” meg said. She bent over and grabbed one of them until Raymond rushed over to steal them from her.
They stared at each other, struggling over the bag. Shots of fire escaped from each other’s eye.
“never mind… I can manage” I said and took the bag away from both of them. I went to the truck and dropped my bag like a hot potato and ran back inside; afraid that those two might fight. Upon reaching the door of the kitchen, I heard them talk.
“talk to me Raymond” said meg. Her hillbilly voice liked to come out especially when she seemed desperate.
“go back to the counter” he requested, “please”
“I won’t… until we talk about this” she said, taking her ground.
“I don’t want to!” he screamed. I listened intently with my ear against the door. I felt the heat of the moment. I heard Raymond’s breath against the air.
“meg. I know that’s my child.” He whispered.
“is that why your so worried?” she asked. he kept silent for a while.
“I love Chelsea.” He started. I heard a glass falling and breaking.
“I’ll pick that up” meg said. Her voice croaked and seemed shaky.
“for how long?” she asked. I heard someone sweeping the glass on the floor. I heard the pieces of glass jingle against each other.
“I always did. Haven’t you noticed?” he said. The sweeping stopped and meg stormed out of the room and stumbled into me.
“I… I have to go” she stammered. Her eyes were red and teary.
“meg wait!” screamed Raymond and tore after her.
“what is happening?” I protested. I charged after the two who were making quite a scene.
“meg wait!” he yelled again. meg stopped dead on her tracks and turned around. Dust surrounded her feet as the dusty road around her crumbled.
“what?” she yelled back.
“would you two just stop it!” I screamed. They both seemed to not hear me.
“for how long Raymond?” she whimpered. He took a deep breath and answered, “ever since she and I met. January 27.”
“why didn’t you tell me?” she cried. She knelt down on both knees and cried hysterically.
“I thought you knew!” he yelled. She kept crying and while she curled up on the ground, I came to her rescue and patted her back.
“stand up!” he screamed. Raymond was angry again.
“you stop pretending we were together!” he screamed at her and pointed at her. but she didn’t stop crying. She only wept louder.
He came near and grabbed hold of her chin. “you stop this. I never loved you. Who would love a whore like you?” he said. I didn’t like what he said about meg. I never saw Raymond this mad before.
“now wait just a minute here” I stood up. He seemed shocked.
“you have no right to call her that.” He came near meg and nearly kicked her when I pushed him and he fell back against the mailbox.
“you stay out of this Chelsea!” he dictated. I didn’t like it at all.
“you stop this instant Raymond or so help me God I will murder you!” I warned him. He backed down and went to the porch and sat down. His eyes were still glaring red as his eyebrows were still crashing against each other. He was dripping beads of sweat.
“are you alright meg?” I asked while helping her up. She shook off the dirt on her overhauls and nodded.
“meg. Let me take you home.” I said.
“I’d like that” she replied and smiled. I turned to Raymond and said “stay there! You hear me?” to him like a dog. He seemed upset about it and went inside.
“what was that all about?” I asked. she shrugged and pretended to not know.
“meg… you have got to start telling me the truth” I begged. She held my hand tightly. She and I continued walking about half a mile.
“he loves you. How long did you know?” she asked. I didn’t know how to tell her about it.
“I always did. But I ignored it totally. I never thought of him as someone to love.” I lied. I didn’t forget about what happened between us when I ran away. And I didn’t forget that kiss. Those images popped into my mind.
“did anything happen between you and him?” she asked. her eyes peered into mine. She stopped walking and waited for my answer. Tears flowed against her pink cheeks. She seemed desperate. My answer was crucial. I had to either tell her yes and watch her break apart or no so I’d be the one getting hurt instead of her. and if I did tell her yes, she’d get hurt and hopefully move on.
“no” I lied. It was the worst feeling in the world. It was like a cold iron hook pulled my heart into my gut. She smiled happily as if it was something to celebrate. But I didn’t enjoy it. I gave back a fake smile and walked on.
“I know he’ll love me soon” she said. She sounded like a desperate woman. “it’s just a matter of time.”
“here’s your house. Is Anthony home?” I asked. she shook her head. She looked away from the door. The flowers were in bloom but like meg, they were only what was visible. Meg was exactly like her garden. She was awfully pretty. But time has made the best of her so soon. She was trodden on by people she allowed.
“where is he?” I asked again.
“he’s with his wife” she said. Her voice was back to its old, hillbilly self.
“my God…” I said. She didn’t look at me for a while.
“yeah… my God too.” She replied. Her arms crossed. Now I understood everything. But I just couldn’t alleviate the situation. It was no longer a part of my control.
“do you need me to stay?” I asked. she was holding her arms and said no.
“I think it’s best you went home” she said. She closed the white wooden gate in front of me. She turned around to face me, ”thank you Chelsea… for whatever you did”
She went back inside her house. Her walk became slow and uninspired. Megan lost her bubbly aura, the one I used to recognize.
I walked back home. It wasn’t really as far as I thought it would be. Her house was just around the lake. It could be seen from mine. While walking, I saw the old tire swing she and I used to play with. Her childish laughter floated around. Her whispers were still vivid. the same wind brushed my hair. But time has changed the both of us. She became someone I didn’t know any more.
The tree where the tire was tied to was huge and had pink leaves. I don’t know what the name of the tree was. It was bigger before. Now, the tree just seemed thrice my height. The sun blazed madly. It was as hot as an oven. But I loved how hot it was especially near the lake. The breeze liked to struggle with the heat from the sun. I could see Raymond from where I was standing. I could see him but only as a speck. His blue shirt was the only thing clear to me. My eyes blurred. I could not make up his face clearly.
I heard the birds chirping around me. Just as soon as I stopped looking at the birds that floated on top of me, I saw Raymond stand up and went straight to his car. It made a huge thump and he started the engine. It hummed a bit and turned off. He turned it on again and it finally kept running. As I drew closer and closer to his car, it became louder and louder.
“Chelsea!” he called, “get in the car! We need to go! ” he said trying to make me hurry. I jogged slowly to his car while he bent over to open the door from the inside.
“okay” I said with trying to exhale a deep breath.
“so what did you two talk about?” he asked. he stepped on the gas and the car humming became louder. But the car didn’t leave yet. His didn’t touch the hand break yet.
“nothing” I mouthed.
“so you’re not going to talk to me?” he asked. I didn’t bother answering. I slumped my back on the seat and put my arm on the arm rest. I stared at the house we were leaving behind.
“fine Chelsea. Be as stubborn as you always were” he said. I ticked with anger. But I just kept quiet. I didn’t want a fight anymore.
“fine chelsea” he said again. he pulled down the hand break and sped away from the house.
“you want to say goodbye to your friend?” he asked sarcastically and made a cruel laugh. It was as if he was picking on her. still maintaining my stand, I kept quiet.
“oh look. It’s Anthony. Do you want to talk to him instead of me?” he asked again. it was starting to bother me a lot. But I still kept quiet and kept my eye outside the window.
He turned left and came across a few signs. One was a warning for deer. They usually came by the lake near summer. The road was rocky and the car tilted a few times. But still, I could not swallow my pride. I didn’t ask him to drive slower or smoother. He kept on driving fast against the rocks and pot holes. I didn’t enjoy the way he talked like that about megan. Even if it was true, he had no right to call her a whore. She was after all, my ex-best friend. Even though things had changed, I still didn’t think ray did the smartest, most mature thing.
“I’m stopping.” He said. And so he did. But I still didn’t answer.
“I’m not moving until you talk to me” he went on. His hands were glued to the steering wheel. His eyes were fixed on the road. But the engine was off.
“now. Don’t tell me you’re taking her side” I don’t know whether he said that to make me angrier. But I still said nothing.
“I’m on nobody’s side ray” I said coolly. My voice was deep and serious. He looked at me.
“don’t tell me you’re mad at me because I called her a whore?” he started. I didn’t answer. I just cleared my throat. I didn’t look at him. I kept staring outside my window.
“isn’t that what it’s all about Chelsea? Me calling her a whore? Why? Isn’t she just like you? Both of you had sex with me. Is that why you’re so mad?” he said. He laughed loudly like a complete asshole. I slapped him.
“I am not a whore. You are just a loser! You know why I never dated you? This is exactly why! You like to spread around what isn’t supposed to be told! and every time a girl doesn’t like you, you think it was because she couldn’t handle you. Didn’t you ever think that maybe you had always been the problem?” I shouted. He kept silent. It was like I threw a dagger at him. He turned red and turned on the car. He then sped off into the high way.
“in case you’re hungry, I packed lunch so we don’t have to stop.” He said. His voice seemed embarrassed and angry. But he didn’t look at me for the rest of the journey. The only thing breaking the silence was his radio, going on and on about the government.
There came a knock that Sunday morning. It was loud enough to bring me to my feet. It was half past 9. I noticed the sound of hissing from the kitchen and it came along with the familiar smell of bacon and eggs. The knock became persistent.
“I’m coming!” I screamed. The knocking stopped. The huge wooden door stood in front of me as I twisted the doorknob open.
It came to my attention that Megan was at the front porch. She wasn’t with her child or Anthony. She was wearing a paint covered overhauls and her hair was freed. Her eyes were as determined as ever. Her hands were full. Both small fragile hands were holding a pie. The waft of fresh baked goodness carried by the wind made it obvious for it to be pumpkin. it was my favorite.
“hey… I heard you were heading back to town.” She said in a hillbilly-ish voice.
“so I baked you a pie. It’s pumpkin… your favorite.” She said, handing over the huge tasty treat.
“thank you” I said while sniffing the sweet aroma.
“would you like to come in for brunch?” I invited. She smiled but hesitated.
“it’s my last day here. I insist” I said. I opened the door wider and lead the way. She looked behind her with some hesitation as the wind blew past her.
“alright then.” She agreed. She shut the door behind her and followed me into the kitchen where Raymond was chopping a few spring onions.
“ray. Meg is here” I said without half a brain what that meant. Raymond raised his head to see if it was true. They both met each other’s eyes and avoided awkwardly. Meg sat near the counter while ray was minding his own business; cooking.
“I’m going to leave you two alone now. I need to get my stuff upstairs.” I said to break the silence. I left the room and went upstairs. I shot through the door and grabbed my bags and stuffed them with my clothes as fast as I could.
As soon as I was done, I sat down on the bed. It was time for me to leave this house again. I took a deep breath and tried to take in the nostalgic scent of pine and oak wood. I remembered a lot with the place.
I took in another deep breath, slowly almost tasting the days when my grandmother was still alive. I was almost 9 years old again. I could almost feel her warm, wrinkled arms around my lanky, misshapen, bruised body. I opened my eyes and saw nothing but the light against the cabinet.
I was going to leave again.
Step by step, I went down the stair case. I memorized every creak and squeak of the floor boards. The mahogany steps visibly showing the nails my grandfather hammered down before. I was closer to the end of the staircase with a bag in each hand.
“I’m packed” I said to Raymond while he was munching on some raw carrots.
“just set them on the counter.” He said while turning to the pans and tending to whatever he was making.
“here… I’ll take them” meg said. She bent over and grabbed one of them until Raymond rushed over to steal them from her.
They stared at each other, struggling over the bag. Shots of fire escaped from each other’s eye.
“never mind… I can manage” I said and took the bag away from both of them. I went to the truck and dropped my bag like a hot potato and ran back inside; afraid that those two might fight. Upon reaching the door of the kitchen, I heard them talk.
“talk to me Raymond” said meg. Her hillbilly voice liked to come out especially when she seemed desperate.
“go back to the counter” he requested, “please”
“I won’t… until we talk about this” she said, taking her ground.
“I don’t want to!” he screamed. I listened intently with my ear against the door. I felt the heat of the moment. I heard Raymond’s breath against the air.
“meg. I know that’s my child.” He whispered.
“is that why your so worried?” she asked. he kept silent for a while.
“I love Chelsea.” He started. I heard a glass falling and breaking.
“I’ll pick that up” meg said. Her voice croaked and seemed shaky.
“for how long?” she asked. I heard someone sweeping the glass on the floor. I heard the pieces of glass jingle against each other.
“I always did. Haven’t you noticed?” he said. The sweeping stopped and meg stormed out of the room and stumbled into me.
“I… I have to go” she stammered. Her eyes were red and teary.
“meg wait!” screamed Raymond and tore after her.
“what is happening?” I protested. I charged after the two who were making quite a scene.
“meg wait!” he yelled again. meg stopped dead on her tracks and turned around. Dust surrounded her feet as the dusty road around her crumbled.
“what?” she yelled back.
“would you two just stop it!” I screamed. They both seemed to not hear me.
“for how long Raymond?” she whimpered. He took a deep breath and answered, “ever since she and I met. January 27.”
“why didn’t you tell me?” she cried. She knelt down on both knees and cried hysterically.
“I thought you knew!” he yelled. She kept crying and while she curled up on the ground, I came to her rescue and patted her back.
“stand up!” he screamed. Raymond was angry again.
“you stop pretending we were together!” he screamed at her and pointed at her. but she didn’t stop crying. She only wept louder.
He came near and grabbed hold of her chin. “you stop this. I never loved you. Who would love a whore like you?” he said. I didn’t like what he said about meg. I never saw Raymond this mad before.
“now wait just a minute here” I stood up. He seemed shocked.
“you have no right to call her that.” He came near meg and nearly kicked her when I pushed him and he fell back against the mailbox.
“you stay out of this Chelsea!” he dictated. I didn’t like it at all.
“you stop this instant Raymond or so help me God I will murder you!” I warned him. He backed down and went to the porch and sat down. His eyes were still glaring red as his eyebrows were still crashing against each other. He was dripping beads of sweat.
“are you alright meg?” I asked while helping her up. She shook off the dirt on her overhauls and nodded.
“meg. Let me take you home.” I said.
“I’d like that” she replied and smiled. I turned to Raymond and said “stay there! You hear me?” to him like a dog. He seemed upset about it and went inside.
“what was that all about?” I asked. she shrugged and pretended to not know.
“meg… you have got to start telling me the truth” I begged. She held my hand tightly. She and I continued walking about half a mile.
“he loves you. How long did you know?” she asked. I didn’t know how to tell her about it.
“I always did. But I ignored it totally. I never thought of him as someone to love.” I lied. I didn’t forget about what happened between us when I ran away. And I didn’t forget that kiss. Those images popped into my mind.
“did anything happen between you and him?” she asked. her eyes peered into mine. She stopped walking and waited for my answer. Tears flowed against her pink cheeks. She seemed desperate. My answer was crucial. I had to either tell her yes and watch her break apart or no so I’d be the one getting hurt instead of her. and if I did tell her yes, she’d get hurt and hopefully move on.
“no” I lied. It was the worst feeling in the world. It was like a cold iron hook pulled my heart into my gut. She smiled happily as if it was something to celebrate. But I didn’t enjoy it. I gave back a fake smile and walked on.
“I know he’ll love me soon” she said. She sounded like a desperate woman. “it’s just a matter of time.”
“here’s your house. Is Anthony home?” I asked. she shook her head. She looked away from the door. The flowers were in bloom but like meg, they were only what was visible. Meg was exactly like her garden. She was awfully pretty. But time has made the best of her so soon. She was trodden on by people she allowed.
“where is he?” I asked again.
“he’s with his wife” she said. Her voice was back to its old, hillbilly self.
“my God…” I said. She didn’t look at me for a while.
“yeah… my God too.” She replied. Her arms crossed. Now I understood everything. But I just couldn’t alleviate the situation. It was no longer a part of my control.
“do you need me to stay?” I asked. she was holding her arms and said no.
“I think it’s best you went home” she said. She closed the white wooden gate in front of me. She turned around to face me, ”thank you Chelsea… for whatever you did”
She went back inside her house. Her walk became slow and uninspired. Megan lost her bubbly aura, the one I used to recognize.
I walked back home. It wasn’t really as far as I thought it would be. Her house was just around the lake. It could be seen from mine. While walking, I saw the old tire swing she and I used to play with. Her childish laughter floated around. Her whispers were still vivid. the same wind brushed my hair. But time has changed the both of us. She became someone I didn’t know any more.
The tree where the tire was tied to was huge and had pink leaves. I don’t know what the name of the tree was. It was bigger before. Now, the tree just seemed thrice my height. The sun blazed madly. It was as hot as an oven. But I loved how hot it was especially near the lake. The breeze liked to struggle with the heat from the sun. I could see Raymond from where I was standing. I could see him but only as a speck. His blue shirt was the only thing clear to me. My eyes blurred. I could not make up his face clearly.
I heard the birds chirping around me. Just as soon as I stopped looking at the birds that floated on top of me, I saw Raymond stand up and went straight to his car. It made a huge thump and he started the engine. It hummed a bit and turned off. He turned it on again and it finally kept running. As I drew closer and closer to his car, it became louder and louder.
“Chelsea!” he called, “get in the car! We need to go! ” he said trying to make me hurry. I jogged slowly to his car while he bent over to open the door from the inside.
“okay” I said with trying to exhale a deep breath.
“so what did you two talk about?” he asked. he stepped on the gas and the car humming became louder. But the car didn’t leave yet. His didn’t touch the hand break yet.
“nothing” I mouthed.
“so you’re not going to talk to me?” he asked. I didn’t bother answering. I slumped my back on the seat and put my arm on the arm rest. I stared at the house we were leaving behind.
“fine Chelsea. Be as stubborn as you always were” he said. I ticked with anger. But I just kept quiet. I didn’t want a fight anymore.
“fine chelsea” he said again. he pulled down the hand break and sped away from the house.
“you want to say goodbye to your friend?” he asked sarcastically and made a cruel laugh. It was as if he was picking on her. still maintaining my stand, I kept quiet.
“oh look. It’s Anthony. Do you want to talk to him instead of me?” he asked again. it was starting to bother me a lot. But I still kept quiet and kept my eye outside the window.
He turned left and came across a few signs. One was a warning for deer. They usually came by the lake near summer. The road was rocky and the car tilted a few times. But still, I could not swallow my pride. I didn’t ask him to drive slower or smoother. He kept on driving fast against the rocks and pot holes. I didn’t enjoy the way he talked like that about megan. Even if it was true, he had no right to call her a whore. She was after all, my ex-best friend. Even though things had changed, I still didn’t think ray did the smartest, most mature thing.
“I’m stopping.” He said. And so he did. But I still didn’t answer.
“I’m not moving until you talk to me” he went on. His hands were glued to the steering wheel. His eyes were fixed on the road. But the engine was off.
“now. Don’t tell me you’re taking her side” I don’t know whether he said that to make me angrier. But I still said nothing.
“I’m on nobody’s side ray” I said coolly. My voice was deep and serious. He looked at me.
“don’t tell me you’re mad at me because I called her a whore?” he started. I didn’t answer. I just cleared my throat. I didn’t look at him. I kept staring outside my window.
“isn’t that what it’s all about Chelsea? Me calling her a whore? Why? Isn’t she just like you? Both of you had sex with me. Is that why you’re so mad?” he said. He laughed loudly like a complete asshole. I slapped him.
“I am not a whore. You are just a loser! You know why I never dated you? This is exactly why! You like to spread around what isn’t supposed to be told! and every time a girl doesn’t like you, you think it was because she couldn’t handle you. Didn’t you ever think that maybe you had always been the problem?” I shouted. He kept silent. It was like I threw a dagger at him. He turned red and turned on the car. He then sped off into the high way.
“in case you’re hungry, I packed lunch so we don’t have to stop.” He said. His voice seemed embarrassed and angry. But he didn’t look at me for the rest of the journey. The only thing breaking the silence was his radio, going on and on about the government.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
fighting a silent war
well. i'd be lying if i said that i'm not hurt about my friend glaiza. and i'd be lying even more if i said that things have been even better since we last fought. but yeah... you get the picture.
after calling me stupid and untrainable, and after a few sorry's, it felt as if i just stopped caring. i got tired and well... things got rougher and rougher every day.
i can't talk to her about it since she's always right. i'm always the one who over reacts and i'm always the one who is wrong. i never listen and she says i always blame her. and it's funny... but i just got tired of it all. from lying to myself and to eventually, lying to her about me being alright. and nothing will ever change...
i heard somewhere that it's better i don't have friends being myself than having alot of friends but not being myself. but that's not entirely my issue. i think somewhere after many months of being notoriously hurt, i found out something. friends never try to litterally hurt you, embarass you or make you wish you were never born. yeah sure they make you realize a few truths... but at least they don't try to hurt you constantly.
and i guess it's easier to talk about glaiza that way since she's the only one who really listens anyway. and it's easier to somewhat point to her all my anger because well... she gives me the chance to be right sometimes.
i'm just whining about having to try to be mature about it all. i never thought maturity was something i had to work for. but i had to think above constantly. i was never given the chance to be right and be myself at the same time. like really... i look myself in the mirror and i don't recognize what i see anymore. i don't know myself anymore. and it really bites.
is it really better to give my friends up even though i won't have any in the process if they hurt me? hmmm...
i'm just afraid that if i lose my friends and soon, aian, where does that leave me?
after calling me stupid and untrainable, and after a few sorry's, it felt as if i just stopped caring. i got tired and well... things got rougher and rougher every day.
i can't talk to her about it since she's always right. i'm always the one who over reacts and i'm always the one who is wrong. i never listen and she says i always blame her. and it's funny... but i just got tired of it all. from lying to myself and to eventually, lying to her about me being alright. and nothing will ever change...
i heard somewhere that it's better i don't have friends being myself than having alot of friends but not being myself. but that's not entirely my issue. i think somewhere after many months of being notoriously hurt, i found out something. friends never try to litterally hurt you, embarass you or make you wish you were never born. yeah sure they make you realize a few truths... but at least they don't try to hurt you constantly.
and i guess it's easier to talk about glaiza that way since she's the only one who really listens anyway. and it's easier to somewhat point to her all my anger because well... she gives me the chance to be right sometimes.
i'm just whining about having to try to be mature about it all. i never thought maturity was something i had to work for. but i had to think above constantly. i was never given the chance to be right and be myself at the same time. like really... i look myself in the mirror and i don't recognize what i see anymore. i don't know myself anymore. and it really bites.
is it really better to give my friends up even though i won't have any in the process if they hurt me? hmmm...
i'm just afraid that if i lose my friends and soon, aian, where does that leave me?
Friday, May 15, 2009
book printed
now it's open for editing and harsh criticisms... i'm trying to finish the other book by august... and i'm going to finish the third, hopefully by december.... whew! i love the inspiration by the dearest readers and their comments.
i'm going to hopefully send it to a publishing house in manila if the first book is good enough to be read. whew.! i just need a bit more confidence and somewhat a boost....
i'm going to hopefully send it to a publishing house in manila if the first book is good enough to be read. whew.! i just need a bit more confidence and somewhat a boost....
Thursday, May 14, 2009
my purpose in life
i was on facebook last night. i know i haven't been exactly the perfect rebel when it comes to online profiles but... it was a very needed thing especially since my two organizations have a profile so i really had to add them for updates. but everything i ever wanted from facebook was just updates, it turned to something very addictive.
yes, i have been trying to conquer my fear of finding what my bad sides are. and facebook has a few quizes to do just that. but lo and behold, it only targets the typical people. it doesn't really tackle any personal issues like periods, emotional stress, depression, mental instability, spiritual stimulation and things like those. it only tackles the self like a programmed disease indicator. just simple psychology.
but continuing to patronize the server, i went on and answered a few quizes mindlessly until i came across a very interesting quis. it's title was "what is your purpose in life?"
i was very much caught off guard. i was excited to view it. not only have i been longing to understand my very essence, but i have been longing to find out why i want to know my essence. i have searched the four corners of the world for an answer. but there it was... just at the tip of my fingers.
deciding to feed my curiosity whether it was something worth while or something just completely bogus, i clicked on it. after a series of situational questions, the result came in. it was one of thos types of answers where it sounds "undoubtedly" the truth. even though i don't believe in absolute certainty, i continued with it, hoping it would answer my long-asked question.
"you are an angel on earth. being around you, people are enlightened by your prescence."
i was completely frustrated. it did not answer "why am i alive?" it just simply answered "what is my purpose?" but then again, that was the entire point i started the quiz anyway.
unbelievable. my purpose in life is to be a blessing to others. i mean, isn't that the most obvious reason of all? we are all born to be a blessing to others. however, recognizing that purpose requires talent; a philosophical explanation of why others can do it and you can't. but then again, if others can do it; let them do it!
so back to my dilemma. i thought about "purpose" as being the "why-ness" of my existence. not some hokus-pokus and voila! but going back to my being as a foundation of the reason of my existence requires alot of philosophical, heideggerian and foucaultian understanding and not to mention a tedious self discovering process. all are which very tiresome... but crucial.
to find our purpose in life is simply the reason why we want others to want us being alive. it is what makes us important or in some cases, feel important. but finding our purpose is dependent on how we were brought up and how we choose our moral values on day to day scenarios. finding our purpose is a choice... it is never mandatory.
people can live without exhausting their purpose and their essence. they can grow old being bitter because they have not fully become what they wanted to be because at that time that they had the chance, they thought it to be of lesser importance. but then again, they have lived their life meaninglessly. therefore, the search for meaning is not demanded. it is a choice. and so is your job, your course, your spouse, your life. the only two things that we never had a say in is our birth, and soon, our death. both things happen without our consent. except of course, suicide. but then again, that last second of being alive makes you realize how much you want to breathe after all. but before you know it, it's just too late.
the prime necessity of life isn't purpose or reason or meaning, it is reasonable choice. the choice to live and keep living is important. but living without meaning is pointless. you are just breathing for the sake of breathing but not breathing because it fills your lungs with oxygen crucial to your very existence and sets off carbon dioxide to feed the trees. and imagine a life lived because you had to, not because you loved it even at it's darkest moments.
our purpose is a choice and so is our interpretation. but that's as far as my mind can articulate.
yes, i have been trying to conquer my fear of finding what my bad sides are. and facebook has a few quizes to do just that. but lo and behold, it only targets the typical people. it doesn't really tackle any personal issues like periods, emotional stress, depression, mental instability, spiritual stimulation and things like those. it only tackles the self like a programmed disease indicator. just simple psychology.
but continuing to patronize the server, i went on and answered a few quizes mindlessly until i came across a very interesting quis. it's title was "what is your purpose in life?"
i was very much caught off guard. i was excited to view it. not only have i been longing to understand my very essence, but i have been longing to find out why i want to know my essence. i have searched the four corners of the world for an answer. but there it was... just at the tip of my fingers.
deciding to feed my curiosity whether it was something worth while or something just completely bogus, i clicked on it. after a series of situational questions, the result came in. it was one of thos types of answers where it sounds "undoubtedly" the truth. even though i don't believe in absolute certainty, i continued with it, hoping it would answer my long-asked question.
"you are an angel on earth. being around you, people are enlightened by your prescence."
i was completely frustrated. it did not answer "why am i alive?" it just simply answered "what is my purpose?" but then again, that was the entire point i started the quiz anyway.
unbelievable. my purpose in life is to be a blessing to others. i mean, isn't that the most obvious reason of all? we are all born to be a blessing to others. however, recognizing that purpose requires talent; a philosophical explanation of why others can do it and you can't. but then again, if others can do it; let them do it!
so back to my dilemma. i thought about "purpose" as being the "why-ness" of my existence. not some hokus-pokus and voila! but going back to my being as a foundation of the reason of my existence requires alot of philosophical, heideggerian and foucaultian understanding and not to mention a tedious self discovering process. all are which very tiresome... but crucial.
to find our purpose in life is simply the reason why we want others to want us being alive. it is what makes us important or in some cases, feel important. but finding our purpose is dependent on how we were brought up and how we choose our moral values on day to day scenarios. finding our purpose is a choice... it is never mandatory.
people can live without exhausting their purpose and their essence. they can grow old being bitter because they have not fully become what they wanted to be because at that time that they had the chance, they thought it to be of lesser importance. but then again, they have lived their life meaninglessly. therefore, the search for meaning is not demanded. it is a choice. and so is your job, your course, your spouse, your life. the only two things that we never had a say in is our birth, and soon, our death. both things happen without our consent. except of course, suicide. but then again, that last second of being alive makes you realize how much you want to breathe after all. but before you know it, it's just too late.
the prime necessity of life isn't purpose or reason or meaning, it is reasonable choice. the choice to live and keep living is important. but living without meaning is pointless. you are just breathing for the sake of breathing but not breathing because it fills your lungs with oxygen crucial to your very existence and sets off carbon dioxide to feed the trees. and imagine a life lived because you had to, not because you loved it even at it's darkest moments.
our purpose is a choice and so is our interpretation. but that's as far as my mind can articulate.
Monday, May 11, 2009
reality comes back
Chapter ten
It late in the afternoon when Raymond went by my house when I was still sitting in my chair clearly perplexed. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid to go back to school. I didn’t want to have to re-face everyone, everything, every lie and every truth. And worse, I didn’t want to face the responsibility.
Raymond walked in and found the letter on the table. He seemed joyful with his entrance. His hair bounced on his porcelain skin.
“what’s this?” he asked while picking it up. When he read it, his face turned from curiosity to blazing anger.
“what’s this?!” he screamed. I stammered to answer his question.
“it’s a letter for expulsion” I replied.
“why didn’t you tell me how bad you have been in school?” he asked. I couldn’t answer.
“do you want to go to school?” he asked. I avoided the constant glare of his eyes.
“no. not yet.” I said. My eyes were pretending to concentrate on the painting of a cat on the wall.
“well. You have to be ready by tomorrow. We have to go to church and after that, we’re leaving for the city. You have to decide tonight if you still want to go to school.” He declared. There was not a single tone of fear or tremble in his voice. He was as straight as a pole and as determined as ever.
“I don’t want to go.” I said. My voice seemed smaller than the usual. It seemed begging the Raymond to understand me.
“did you think that through?” he asked. I paused to think and then…I nodded my head.
“you are just so stubborn aren’t you Chelsea? You are just a scaredy cat.” He pointed out. I stood up and grabbed the letter from his hand and tore it in half. I ticked with anger. His eyes popped with surprise yet he was still as angry as ever.
“you don’t know what you’re talking about!” I screamed while storming out of the room. he tore after me and held tight against my arm.
“I know exactly what I’m talking about. Now sit down!” he ordered while pushing me to sit down on the chair. The chair made a big squeak as I bounced off it. I stood back up.
“you don’t get to tell me what to do! You… you asshole!” I screamed. He was taken aback. He stumbled across a few plastic cups.
“you don’t get to tell me what to do.” I repeated with tears starting to pop from the corners of my eyes.
“you’re scared Chelsea. And it’s alright to be scared.” He started. picking up the glasses that fell on the floor and put them on the counter, he moved slower than his prior actions.
“I’m not! Every one thinks that I’m someone who needs guidance but I don’t! I don’t need guidance! Everyone who guides people starts to…” I stopped. I sat down on the chair near the counter. He came closer to me. I could hear his steps slice through the silence around us.
“starts to what Chelsea?” he whispered in me ear.
“starts to leave you?” he continued. I kept silent while trying my best to be strong. He hit the target.
“just like your mom and dad? How they left a nine year old to the care of an aunt who allowed her husband to abuse you while mommy and daddy were in phuket and Hawaii on a business tour? And the little girl I loved so much was left to take care of Andrew. While everyone else filled you in with poison, you had to stand up.” He said. He knew exactly what he was talking about. I turned around to seek comfort in his arms.
“stop being scared Chelsea. Nobody is ever the same as all those horrible people. I’m here for you. I never left you then, and I’m not leaving you now.” He said.
“just go to school on monday.” He said softly.
“I don’t want to…” I returned.
“Chelsea. Please? For me.” He begged. I kept silent for a while until I finally agreed.
“go pack your bags Chelsea. You have got to start pretending to be strong and actually start being strong.” He said. His started tucking my hair behind my ear. His left hand went for his pocket and grabbed a handkerchief.
“stop crying now. You’ve got to get it together.” He advised. Soon enough, somewhere between him pouring me a glass of water and watching TV, he turned on the radio and listened for news.
“why didn’t you turn on the set?” I asked. his hands were twisting the knob, trying to find a signal.
“it doesn’t work” he replied. He was so focused on what he was doing that he didn’t notice the time. It was almost dinner time.
“would you like to stay for dinner?” I asked. my nose was still stuffy and itchy.
“no. I’m going home later.” He said, still pre-occupied with what he was doing.
“what are you waiting for?” I asked while rubbing a table cloth around my hands.
“you to fall asleep.” He answered. When finally he found the station, it buzzed a few times but he was still able to make out what the announcer was saying.
“there is…. Buzz!.. thirty percent….rain” it stuttered. He turned it off automatically after that.
“so…” I said to break the silence, “are we still going then?”
“of course we are. There is still a 70 percent chance it won’t rain. And I’m willing to bust my ass and drive you back home.” He said while facing me. He smiled lightly.
“but I am home” I retorted. I sat back down on the couch and stared at him as if I wanted to play mind games.
“oh yeah?” he sarcastically asked. he seemed distracted by something out the window and went near it.
“I’m always home when you’re near Raymond.” I mumbled.
“and the boyfriend?” he asked. obviously, he heard me.
“what boyfriend?” I pretended to hide. His head turned slightly sideways to catch me at the corner of his eyes.
“we both know.” He said. I didn’t want to debate with him again. I grabbed a pillow and rested my head on it for a while.
Eyes were getting heavy, my breath was slowing down. I felt relaxed. Raymond turned one of the lamps of and sat near my feet. Slowly and surely, he started humming a song. But I didn’t listen to it long enough because soon enough, I fell asleep. Spellbound to my dreams, I invited myself to dream of wonderful things. these were the things that made me want to continue another day; to continue being alive.
It late in the afternoon when Raymond went by my house when I was still sitting in my chair clearly perplexed. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid to go back to school. I didn’t want to have to re-face everyone, everything, every lie and every truth. And worse, I didn’t want to face the responsibility.
Raymond walked in and found the letter on the table. He seemed joyful with his entrance. His hair bounced on his porcelain skin.
“what’s this?” he asked while picking it up. When he read it, his face turned from curiosity to blazing anger.
“what’s this?!” he screamed. I stammered to answer his question.
“it’s a letter for expulsion” I replied.
“why didn’t you tell me how bad you have been in school?” he asked. I couldn’t answer.
“do you want to go to school?” he asked. I avoided the constant glare of his eyes.
“no. not yet.” I said. My eyes were pretending to concentrate on the painting of a cat on the wall.
“well. You have to be ready by tomorrow. We have to go to church and after that, we’re leaving for the city. You have to decide tonight if you still want to go to school.” He declared. There was not a single tone of fear or tremble in his voice. He was as straight as a pole and as determined as ever.
“I don’t want to go.” I said. My voice seemed smaller than the usual. It seemed begging the Raymond to understand me.
“did you think that through?” he asked. I paused to think and then…I nodded my head.
“you are just so stubborn aren’t you Chelsea? You are just a scaredy cat.” He pointed out. I stood up and grabbed the letter from his hand and tore it in half. I ticked with anger. His eyes popped with surprise yet he was still as angry as ever.
“you don’t know what you’re talking about!” I screamed while storming out of the room. he tore after me and held tight against my arm.
“I know exactly what I’m talking about. Now sit down!” he ordered while pushing me to sit down on the chair. The chair made a big squeak as I bounced off it. I stood back up.
“you don’t get to tell me what to do! You… you asshole!” I screamed. He was taken aback. He stumbled across a few plastic cups.
“you don’t get to tell me what to do.” I repeated with tears starting to pop from the corners of my eyes.
“you’re scared Chelsea. And it’s alright to be scared.” He started. picking up the glasses that fell on the floor and put them on the counter, he moved slower than his prior actions.
“I’m not! Every one thinks that I’m someone who needs guidance but I don’t! I don’t need guidance! Everyone who guides people starts to…” I stopped. I sat down on the chair near the counter. He came closer to me. I could hear his steps slice through the silence around us.
“starts to what Chelsea?” he whispered in me ear.
“starts to leave you?” he continued. I kept silent while trying my best to be strong. He hit the target.
“just like your mom and dad? How they left a nine year old to the care of an aunt who allowed her husband to abuse you while mommy and daddy were in phuket and Hawaii on a business tour? And the little girl I loved so much was left to take care of Andrew. While everyone else filled you in with poison, you had to stand up.” He said. He knew exactly what he was talking about. I turned around to seek comfort in his arms.
“stop being scared Chelsea. Nobody is ever the same as all those horrible people. I’m here for you. I never left you then, and I’m not leaving you now.” He said.
“just go to school on monday.” He said softly.
“I don’t want to…” I returned.
“Chelsea. Please? For me.” He begged. I kept silent for a while until I finally agreed.
“go pack your bags Chelsea. You have got to start pretending to be strong and actually start being strong.” He said. His started tucking my hair behind my ear. His left hand went for his pocket and grabbed a handkerchief.
“stop crying now. You’ve got to get it together.” He advised. Soon enough, somewhere between him pouring me a glass of water and watching TV, he turned on the radio and listened for news.
“why didn’t you turn on the set?” I asked. his hands were twisting the knob, trying to find a signal.
“it doesn’t work” he replied. He was so focused on what he was doing that he didn’t notice the time. It was almost dinner time.
“would you like to stay for dinner?” I asked. my nose was still stuffy and itchy.
“no. I’m going home later.” He said, still pre-occupied with what he was doing.
“what are you waiting for?” I asked while rubbing a table cloth around my hands.
“you to fall asleep.” He answered. When finally he found the station, it buzzed a few times but he was still able to make out what the announcer was saying.
“there is…. Buzz!.. thirty percent….rain” it stuttered. He turned it off automatically after that.
“so…” I said to break the silence, “are we still going then?”
“of course we are. There is still a 70 percent chance it won’t rain. And I’m willing to bust my ass and drive you back home.” He said while facing me. He smiled lightly.
“but I am home” I retorted. I sat back down on the couch and stared at him as if I wanted to play mind games.
“oh yeah?” he sarcastically asked. he seemed distracted by something out the window and went near it.
“I’m always home when you’re near Raymond.” I mumbled.
“and the boyfriend?” he asked. obviously, he heard me.
“what boyfriend?” I pretended to hide. His head turned slightly sideways to catch me at the corner of his eyes.
“we both know.” He said. I didn’t want to debate with him again. I grabbed a pillow and rested my head on it for a while.
Eyes were getting heavy, my breath was slowing down. I felt relaxed. Raymond turned one of the lamps of and sat near my feet. Slowly and surely, he started humming a song. But I didn’t listen to it long enough because soon enough, I fell asleep. Spellbound to my dreams, I invited myself to dream of wonderful things. these were the things that made me want to continue another day; to continue being alive.
chapter nine
Chapter 9
Posing under the heat of the sun, Raymond dries his clothes on the roof while he sips a cup of soup. He seemed unhappy about me pushing him in the water. but yeah, that was just hilarious.
“you’re such a sissy” I said to him. He looked at me and snorted into a loud laugh.
“you’re so mean! Where’d you learn to get so tough huh?” he asked rhetorically. He was sitting on my bed while having a towel over his half naked body.
“i learned from the master…” I said back at him. He jumped over me and tickled my ribs. I was laughing so hard that tears were popping out of my eyes. He and I wrestled under the sheets.
He put his hand on my waist and applied pressure. It was so weird to feel that. He kept going on until his face was an inch away from mine. He paused a little bit and stood straight up.
“uh I need to go. I think my clothes are dry enough now. I’ll see you later.” He said nervously.
“yeah” I replied hoarsely. He handed over the towel and rushed out halfway through the door when he turned around to ask me, “did you want to swim?”
“what?” I asked. I mean, what made him think that way. He could have asked me anything, but why swimming?
“I would, if I knew how to swim.” I replied. He didn’t respond. He only smiled and walked through the door and next thing I heard, his car moaned out the driveway.
Next morning, the mailman came by. I met him on my way down to the swings by the lake. He was wearing a blue shirt with navy blue shorts. He was also wearing a dark black baseball cap.
“fine weather we’re having.” He remarked. I could sense he was starting to have a small talk with me but he handed over the mail. It was a thick bunch of letters held together by a single rubber band. He raised his cap and sped away in his van.
I took off the rubber band and looked around at the sight of birds. One of the letters was a warning for expulsion at my school. I put it underneath the other letters. One of them was a letter of demolition from the city and attached to it were previous accounts of unpaid taxes by my mother.
Not one of the letters came from Andrew. No, not even my parents. It was quite impossible for him not to know where I was since the school found out. I supposed something happened to him. But I left my paranoia for another day.
I opened the letter regarding my expulsion. According to what it said, I was said to be expelled if I do not attend class on Monday and take every quiz I failed to take due to my unexcused absences and unexplained rebellion. I set it on the coffee table while I rested my back on the chair. I was caught between the devil and the blue sea.
Going back to school was not yet a part of my plan, neither was seeing everyone again.
Posing under the heat of the sun, Raymond dries his clothes on the roof while he sips a cup of soup. He seemed unhappy about me pushing him in the water. but yeah, that was just hilarious.
“you’re such a sissy” I said to him. He looked at me and snorted into a loud laugh.
“you’re so mean! Where’d you learn to get so tough huh?” he asked rhetorically. He was sitting on my bed while having a towel over his half naked body.
“i learned from the master…” I said back at him. He jumped over me and tickled my ribs. I was laughing so hard that tears were popping out of my eyes. He and I wrestled under the sheets.
He put his hand on my waist and applied pressure. It was so weird to feel that. He kept going on until his face was an inch away from mine. He paused a little bit and stood straight up.
“uh I need to go. I think my clothes are dry enough now. I’ll see you later.” He said nervously.
“yeah” I replied hoarsely. He handed over the towel and rushed out halfway through the door when he turned around to ask me, “did you want to swim?”
“what?” I asked. I mean, what made him think that way. He could have asked me anything, but why swimming?
“I would, if I knew how to swim.” I replied. He didn’t respond. He only smiled and walked through the door and next thing I heard, his car moaned out the driveway.
Next morning, the mailman came by. I met him on my way down to the swings by the lake. He was wearing a blue shirt with navy blue shorts. He was also wearing a dark black baseball cap.
“fine weather we’re having.” He remarked. I could sense he was starting to have a small talk with me but he handed over the mail. It was a thick bunch of letters held together by a single rubber band. He raised his cap and sped away in his van.
I took off the rubber band and looked around at the sight of birds. One of the letters was a warning for expulsion at my school. I put it underneath the other letters. One of them was a letter of demolition from the city and attached to it were previous accounts of unpaid taxes by my mother.
Not one of the letters came from Andrew. No, not even my parents. It was quite impossible for him not to know where I was since the school found out. I supposed something happened to him. But I left my paranoia for another day.
I opened the letter regarding my expulsion. According to what it said, I was said to be expelled if I do not attend class on Monday and take every quiz I failed to take due to my unexcused absences and unexplained rebellion. I set it on the coffee table while I rested my back on the chair. I was caught between the devil and the blue sea.
Going back to school was not yet a part of my plan, neither was seeing everyone again.
chapter eight
Chapter 8
Morning came quickly for me. It had been as though I took a shortcut from hell back to earth. I opened my eyes, and to my surprise, there was something that had been new to me. It was silence. There was nobody inside the room except me and the light blazing through the white curtains. There were no screams, no disturbances. It was just me and my thoughts.
The acid washed walls were brightly emblazoned by the sunlight. I closed my eyes and opened them again. I wanted to know whether it was a dream or not.
“Chelsea!” Raymond called from downstairs. I got off the bed immediately and without further adieu, I went downstairs. He was at the foot of the staircase smiling.
“what?” I said while dashing down the stairs.
“you wanna go down the lake?” he asked. I rubbed my eyes and made a huge yawn. He seemed excited and new. He looked like the first time I laid eyes on him; like prince charming. Too bad I grew out of it too soon.
“yeah, I’d love that.” I smiled. He took a step down from the stair and went ahead to the car. I went my own way and changed my clothes.
The lake seemed endless and pristine. It was not envious of anything, neither was it disturbed by the traffic a few miles away or by the boat that smashed through the small soft curly waves. It was not hot, it wasn’t cold either. The sky was bright and beaming down at Ray and me. He leaned forward and paddled the boat to the center of the lake.
It was deep, about three times his height. It was clear as crystal. I could see the small baby school of trout underneath our boat; swimming unalarmed by the four eyes looking at them.
“you know, I’m glad we’re here” he said. He gave off a half smile as the light glistened in his eyes.
“same here” I replied shortly.
“so tell me again why you ran away?” he asked. he pulled out his fishing rod and casted it out. It flew about three meters away from the boat. The water rippled away from the near invisible string that was dangling off the long rod.
“I didn’t ran away. I just… needed time to be alone” I replied. I was sitting in the same direction as he was.
“so you didn’t ran away… but you ran away” he said with a short laugh. He was trying to emphasize what I did rather than why I did it.
“if you put it that way.” I paused, and then continued, “yeah. Maybe I did.”
“so why did you do it?” he asked. he reeled in his catch of fish and put it in a bucket right beside his foot. Unsatisfied with its size, he unhooked it and set it free in the water.
“I just needed time to think. That’s all.” I said lightly. He stared at me, unhappy with my answer so he asked “why?”
“I got depressed.” I answered. I was waiting for him to reel in a big fish. He didn’t cast out his line yet, he raised both eyebrows at me and asked again,”why?”
“sigh… if I told you, I’d have to kill you.” I tried to brush off the topic. Still holding his rod, determined to get it out of me, he said, “so shoot me.”
“fine. Everyone thinks I killed this guy from my school.” I started. he asked, “so did you?”
“I didn’t.” I answered. He casted out his line again and waited for me to continue.
“my brother wanted too much from me. My boyfriend dumped me because I didn’t spend time with him so much. He claims to not be appreciated enough. I hit my ex-best friend with a chair but he died for some other reason BUT every one still thinks I did it.” I let out. I was so full of just that.
“sounds like you’re only depressed because your boyfriend was right.” He said. His line shot through the water steadily.
“what made you say that?” I asked. I grabbed the other fishing rod right beside me. There was another bucket beside his left foot, full of bait. I decided to bait my hook and cast it out. He looked like he was having fun, so I joined in.
“you only stressed details on him. The rest were just what others wanted from you. Am I right?” he asked. his eyes fell away from the line and shot right back at me.
“how did you know?” I asked.
“well. Because once upon a time, you and I were almost getting together, that’s why. Then one thing lead to another, megan got pregnant. Then she married Anthony because he was the only one who could threaten anyone to do it his way. She loved me, but I loved you. But I understand now that you and I will only be nothing but friends.” He explained. The wind flew through his perfectly trimmed hair.
“so why did you do it?” I asked. he shook his head and kept quiet.
“have you heard of the saying that we only regret things once their done? And then we turn around and wish we could have done it in another way.” He slowed down.
“how is your life relevant to mine?” I asked annoyingly. I seemed to miss his point; whatever his point was.
“isn’t it clearly relevant how we’re both fishing under the heat of the sun, clearly not getting any fish to take our bait?” he paused. I seemed to know where it was going but I remained indolent.
“we both need to know what we want and what others want. We both have to separate fact from fiction. While i…” he stopped to catch his breath, “need to get over you”.
“how is this relevant to you and me?” I asked. it was getting kind of old how he kept inserting his feelings whenever we were talking about me.
“for as long as I still have feelings for you Chelsea, I won’t be able to fully grow up. I can’t be a father to that child. You know I can’t”.
“alright, let’s talk about something else.” I said. I didn’t like the topic we were in.
“so. Why leave Andrew?” he asked. I lifted my head a bit to think about an answer that wouldn’t lead to another question.
“because he needed to grow up without me for a while.” I answered.
Then suddenly, my line gave a huge tug and I was forced to reel it in. he dove over to me and helped me pull it out. Then almost instantly, a huge silver fish shot out of the water.
It moved violently against the salty air as Raymond and I fervently tried to unhook it. Just as it lost its inspiration to breathe, it stopped moving. He and I were all wet from the splashing of water. he let out a loud laugh.
“you are such a sissy.” He laughed again. pissed off, I pushed him and he fell into the water.
I had the last laugh. Ha ha.
Morning came quickly for me. It had been as though I took a shortcut from hell back to earth. I opened my eyes, and to my surprise, there was something that had been new to me. It was silence. There was nobody inside the room except me and the light blazing through the white curtains. There were no screams, no disturbances. It was just me and my thoughts.
The acid washed walls were brightly emblazoned by the sunlight. I closed my eyes and opened them again. I wanted to know whether it was a dream or not.
“Chelsea!” Raymond called from downstairs. I got off the bed immediately and without further adieu, I went downstairs. He was at the foot of the staircase smiling.
“what?” I said while dashing down the stairs.
“you wanna go down the lake?” he asked. I rubbed my eyes and made a huge yawn. He seemed excited and new. He looked like the first time I laid eyes on him; like prince charming. Too bad I grew out of it too soon.
“yeah, I’d love that.” I smiled. He took a step down from the stair and went ahead to the car. I went my own way and changed my clothes.
The lake seemed endless and pristine. It was not envious of anything, neither was it disturbed by the traffic a few miles away or by the boat that smashed through the small soft curly waves. It was not hot, it wasn’t cold either. The sky was bright and beaming down at Ray and me. He leaned forward and paddled the boat to the center of the lake.
It was deep, about three times his height. It was clear as crystal. I could see the small baby school of trout underneath our boat; swimming unalarmed by the four eyes looking at them.
“you know, I’m glad we’re here” he said. He gave off a half smile as the light glistened in his eyes.
“same here” I replied shortly.
“so tell me again why you ran away?” he asked. he pulled out his fishing rod and casted it out. It flew about three meters away from the boat. The water rippled away from the near invisible string that was dangling off the long rod.
“I didn’t ran away. I just… needed time to be alone” I replied. I was sitting in the same direction as he was.
“so you didn’t ran away… but you ran away” he said with a short laugh. He was trying to emphasize what I did rather than why I did it.
“if you put it that way.” I paused, and then continued, “yeah. Maybe I did.”
“so why did you do it?” he asked. he reeled in his catch of fish and put it in a bucket right beside his foot. Unsatisfied with its size, he unhooked it and set it free in the water.
“I just needed time to think. That’s all.” I said lightly. He stared at me, unhappy with my answer so he asked “why?”
“I got depressed.” I answered. I was waiting for him to reel in a big fish. He didn’t cast out his line yet, he raised both eyebrows at me and asked again,”why?”
“sigh… if I told you, I’d have to kill you.” I tried to brush off the topic. Still holding his rod, determined to get it out of me, he said, “so shoot me.”
“fine. Everyone thinks I killed this guy from my school.” I started. he asked, “so did you?”
“I didn’t.” I answered. He casted out his line again and waited for me to continue.
“my brother wanted too much from me. My boyfriend dumped me because I didn’t spend time with him so much. He claims to not be appreciated enough. I hit my ex-best friend with a chair but he died for some other reason BUT every one still thinks I did it.” I let out. I was so full of just that.
“sounds like you’re only depressed because your boyfriend was right.” He said. His line shot through the water steadily.
“what made you say that?” I asked. I grabbed the other fishing rod right beside me. There was another bucket beside his left foot, full of bait. I decided to bait my hook and cast it out. He looked like he was having fun, so I joined in.
“you only stressed details on him. The rest were just what others wanted from you. Am I right?” he asked. his eyes fell away from the line and shot right back at me.
“how did you know?” I asked.
“well. Because once upon a time, you and I were almost getting together, that’s why. Then one thing lead to another, megan got pregnant. Then she married Anthony because he was the only one who could threaten anyone to do it his way. She loved me, but I loved you. But I understand now that you and I will only be nothing but friends.” He explained. The wind flew through his perfectly trimmed hair.
“so why did you do it?” I asked. he shook his head and kept quiet.
“have you heard of the saying that we only regret things once their done? And then we turn around and wish we could have done it in another way.” He slowed down.
“how is your life relevant to mine?” I asked annoyingly. I seemed to miss his point; whatever his point was.
“isn’t it clearly relevant how we’re both fishing under the heat of the sun, clearly not getting any fish to take our bait?” he paused. I seemed to know where it was going but I remained indolent.
“we both need to know what we want and what others want. We both have to separate fact from fiction. While i…” he stopped to catch his breath, “need to get over you”.
“how is this relevant to you and me?” I asked. it was getting kind of old how he kept inserting his feelings whenever we were talking about me.
“for as long as I still have feelings for you Chelsea, I won’t be able to fully grow up. I can’t be a father to that child. You know I can’t”.
“alright, let’s talk about something else.” I said. I didn’t like the topic we were in.
“so. Why leave Andrew?” he asked. I lifted my head a bit to think about an answer that wouldn’t lead to another question.
“because he needed to grow up without me for a while.” I answered.
Then suddenly, my line gave a huge tug and I was forced to reel it in. he dove over to me and helped me pull it out. Then almost instantly, a huge silver fish shot out of the water.
It moved violently against the salty air as Raymond and I fervently tried to unhook it. Just as it lost its inspiration to breathe, it stopped moving. He and I were all wet from the splashing of water. he let out a loud laugh.
“you are such a sissy.” He laughed again. pissed off, I pushed him and he fell into the water.
I had the last laugh. Ha ha.
a little god=themed reflection
May 11, 2009
“talk to me - God”
I was on the way home from a mall somewhere in the upper portion of my barrio. People come there either when the other malls have run out of meat or that they just want to say that they bought it there. But while my mother drove me and my dad home, this billboard was raised.
My mother then decided to go downtown to pick up my other sisters so we could go to jolibee for lunch. Then, a jeep passed by with “pray hardest” splashed all over its mudguard. Still ignoring it, my mother went on driving us to the destined place. It was somewhere between where my sisters waited and limketkai when I saw another jeep with a painting on the side of it. It was a book with a line from the bible saying “for God so loved the world that he gave his only son. And who so ever believes in him will not die but have eternal life.”
Both mad at the images and a strong sense of guilt, I told my mother to drive faster. I didn’t want to pray. It was a complete waste of time. Of course, “God” will answer your prayers when you do something for yourself. Of course things will come true for you. Of course your life will improve if you work hard. Of course these things will happen; with or without God. Or so I thought…
Just a week after that, I saw my grades. All were almost good except for 1 F. it was in computer. Although it was a minor and it completely meant nothing to me, it still tarnished my almost perfect mark. I could have been a dean’s lister had it not been for that stupid F. then almost all my classmates who barely did anything passed it with flying colors. And I, who had nearly burned my eyebrows to just get a grade, failed!
So I went on like, “oh it’s fine. I didn’t like the class anyway”. But deep inside, I was so frustrated with myself. I hated every inch of my brain for not knowing that this would happen. I hated myself for everything. Just then, I turned to God and said, “this is all your fault. You should have told me that it wasn’t a good choice to take that class.”
Well, the reply wasn’t as holy as you might think it was. No, no light came shining through and “God” stepping down from heaven with his angels singing behind him. No, it was nothing like that.
It was all because of a memory of my teacher in philosophy. He told us a story about a barber. So the story went a little like this…
There was a man who desperately needed a shave. Feeling the itch, he went to a barber nearby. The barber automatically accommodated him and shaved him. The man decided to get a haircut since he was already in one place. The barber and he had a small talk. Such that it came to an interesting topic…
“do you believe in God?” asked the man.
“no!” the barber replied. Curious, the man asked again,
“why not?”
“if there was a God, there wouldn’t be people like those!” he said while pointing out to a mangy beggar outside the barber shop, trying to find his meal in a garbage can.
He decided to stop asking questions thinking it was both irrelevant to persuade him. The man respected his beliefs and after the haircut, went his way.
Just then, the beggar came his way. And the man came across an idea. He went back to the barber and screamed; “barbers do not exist!”
The barber, both confused and mad, “are you crazy? I just shaved you and you tell me I don’t exist? I’m right here!” the barber refuted.
“look at him! If there was a barber, he wouldn’t look like that!” the man screamed again.
The barber looked out the window and asked, “which one?”
“the beggar!” the man pointed out.
Angrier than ever, the barber replied, “that! That is what happens when people don’t come to me!”
“exactly!” the man screamed. “that is what happens when men don’t come to a barber!”
“what’s your point?” the barber asked while scratching his head.
“people suffer because they do not go to God just like men become mangy if they do not go to the barber!” he screamed. The barber kept silent and the man left the barber shop.
Then almost suddenly, I went to the chapel at the center of the university and almost ashamed, I said I was sorry.
Everyday since then, I didn’t pray that much. But everything I did was offered to God. I would just say, “lord, you know I’m doing my best, I just need you to meet me half way. Show me signs if you have to. Keep me safe” for every thing that happened to me.
And so far, I’ve been doing good in school.
I’m not saying that God will pass us when we fail. But it is so much easier to believe in something than nothing at all. And it’s so much easier to believe that everything happens for a reason. Our lives are not for us to understand. It was not made to fit our limited reasoning. It was made for us to believe, trust and hope on something even though it is cosmologically impossible. And that is faith. Our lives were built for so much more than this earth can possibly hold, control, and if possible; understand.
“talk to me - God”
I was on the way home from a mall somewhere in the upper portion of my barrio. People come there either when the other malls have run out of meat or that they just want to say that they bought it there. But while my mother drove me and my dad home, this billboard was raised.
My mother then decided to go downtown to pick up my other sisters so we could go to jolibee for lunch. Then, a jeep passed by with “pray hardest” splashed all over its mudguard. Still ignoring it, my mother went on driving us to the destined place. It was somewhere between where my sisters waited and limketkai when I saw another jeep with a painting on the side of it. It was a book with a line from the bible saying “for God so loved the world that he gave his only son. And who so ever believes in him will not die but have eternal life.”
Both mad at the images and a strong sense of guilt, I told my mother to drive faster. I didn’t want to pray. It was a complete waste of time. Of course, “God” will answer your prayers when you do something for yourself. Of course things will come true for you. Of course your life will improve if you work hard. Of course these things will happen; with or without God. Or so I thought…
Just a week after that, I saw my grades. All were almost good except for 1 F. it was in computer. Although it was a minor and it completely meant nothing to me, it still tarnished my almost perfect mark. I could have been a dean’s lister had it not been for that stupid F. then almost all my classmates who barely did anything passed it with flying colors. And I, who had nearly burned my eyebrows to just get a grade, failed!
So I went on like, “oh it’s fine. I didn’t like the class anyway”. But deep inside, I was so frustrated with myself. I hated every inch of my brain for not knowing that this would happen. I hated myself for everything. Just then, I turned to God and said, “this is all your fault. You should have told me that it wasn’t a good choice to take that class.”
Well, the reply wasn’t as holy as you might think it was. No, no light came shining through and “God” stepping down from heaven with his angels singing behind him. No, it was nothing like that.
It was all because of a memory of my teacher in philosophy. He told us a story about a barber. So the story went a little like this…
There was a man who desperately needed a shave. Feeling the itch, he went to a barber nearby. The barber automatically accommodated him and shaved him. The man decided to get a haircut since he was already in one place. The barber and he had a small talk. Such that it came to an interesting topic…
“do you believe in God?” asked the man.
“no!” the barber replied. Curious, the man asked again,
“why not?”
“if there was a God, there wouldn’t be people like those!” he said while pointing out to a mangy beggar outside the barber shop, trying to find his meal in a garbage can.
He decided to stop asking questions thinking it was both irrelevant to persuade him. The man respected his beliefs and after the haircut, went his way.
Just then, the beggar came his way. And the man came across an idea. He went back to the barber and screamed; “barbers do not exist!”
The barber, both confused and mad, “are you crazy? I just shaved you and you tell me I don’t exist? I’m right here!” the barber refuted.
“look at him! If there was a barber, he wouldn’t look like that!” the man screamed again.
The barber looked out the window and asked, “which one?”
“the beggar!” the man pointed out.
Angrier than ever, the barber replied, “that! That is what happens when people don’t come to me!”
“exactly!” the man screamed. “that is what happens when men don’t come to a barber!”
“what’s your point?” the barber asked while scratching his head.
“people suffer because they do not go to God just like men become mangy if they do not go to the barber!” he screamed. The barber kept silent and the man left the barber shop.
Then almost suddenly, I went to the chapel at the center of the university and almost ashamed, I said I was sorry.
Everyday since then, I didn’t pray that much. But everything I did was offered to God. I would just say, “lord, you know I’m doing my best, I just need you to meet me half way. Show me signs if you have to. Keep me safe” for every thing that happened to me.
And so far, I’ve been doing good in school.
I’m not saying that God will pass us when we fail. But it is so much easier to believe in something than nothing at all. And it’s so much easier to believe that everything happens for a reason. Our lives are not for us to understand. It was not made to fit our limited reasoning. It was made for us to believe, trust and hope on something even though it is cosmologically impossible. And that is faith. Our lives were built for so much more than this earth can possibly hold, control, and if possible; understand.
Monday, May 4, 2009
for today
well. i haven't really got down on words about exactly what it's been like for the past months without rocky. but let me just say that it has been the most excruciating feeling of all.
being left behind by a person you love the most is the most, if not, regrettably painful thing in the world. but after every annoying detail about our breakup has become an epitome of reality, i've realized that i can't have him back by living in the past.
i know that i haven't been exactly the most perfect girl for him. but now with aian, all that has changed. i don't want to see myself hurt by him anymore. i don't want aian to see how i'm still desperately trying to move on. i really don't want aian to think that the only reason why i'm still with him is because i'm just using him to fill the void. i am enjoying my life with aian now. but never in the same way as i was with rocky.
for today, i face the challenge of being faithful to aian. i'm not exactly a saint by lying to him by saying "i love you". i'm the greatest cheater of all. even though i'm not seeing anyone other than him, i'm still bound by my inevitably controlling past...
being left behind by a person you love the most is the most, if not, regrettably painful thing in the world. but after every annoying detail about our breakup has become an epitome of reality, i've realized that i can't have him back by living in the past.
i know that i haven't been exactly the most perfect girl for him. but now with aian, all that has changed. i don't want to see myself hurt by him anymore. i don't want aian to see how i'm still desperately trying to move on. i really don't want aian to think that the only reason why i'm still with him is because i'm just using him to fill the void. i am enjoying my life with aian now. but never in the same way as i was with rocky.
for today, i face the challenge of being faithful to aian. i'm not exactly a saint by lying to him by saying "i love you". i'm the greatest cheater of all. even though i'm not seeing anyone other than him, i'm still bound by my inevitably controlling past...
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