the psychic instructor

today, my driving instructor was sir adonis. it was just like yesterday with kuya arbie except that i was much more comfortable with him because of his charm and that helped ease the nerves of a novice. it was my first time yesterday to drive on the highway so speeding was one of my main concerns as well as signals and clutch-break-gas decisions.

today however, i drove things more than just a car. i drove myself into a never ending spiral of confusion and obscurity and eventually... insanity. i could not think whether i should pursue my friend and classmate or my crush for almost two school years.

it hit me when i was driving uphill to lumbia airport which was a 10 minute drive from my house and a 30 minute drive from bulua. hanging on to my thoughts as entertainment while driving; i came across the thought of her smile. it was the one she had given me in sociology class when i got my hair fixed and her hand accidently caressed my chin. the feeling of soft and unsure comfort; everything was so fresh even if it happened once in the previous semester. that memory should be buried along with every wrong and right feeling i had. then almost suddenly, my instructor pulled the break extension at the passenger's side.

"whatever it is you're thinking about, don't" he said casually. i was unsure whether he could read minds or that my thoughts somehow didn't stay in a thought bubble.

partially, i would have just told him to drive the car for me and let me go home. i didn't want to drive anymore. until he said, "pull over here". i stopped the car at his demand and he let out a thunder of laughter. it might have been because i was not thinking about the road, i was thinking about both of them at the same time. whichever i was going to choose then could be my only shot at happiness.

but after talking things over with my long time crush and current boyfriend, it was one of those things i could have just left behind. i could have just told him it was over despite of his pleading and his evident change. i could have pulled the breaks, but i couldn't. weakness? maybe... stupidity? surely.

he held my hand under a huge mango tree. i felt so sure the words to let him go would escape my mouth. instead i asked him if i would ever see him again. it was so hard to let him go because the only attention i ever wanted from anyone was right there and i didn't have to beg or cry for it. it was just handed to me for free. that kind of love is hard to find.

i don't know sincerely if my friend was right that because i'm discontent with my family, i'm looking for some other source of my emotional necessities. i don't know even if it crossed her mind that i'm desperate. but surely, i'm not strong enough to let him go yet. and i have not owned my classmate so i could let her go. either way, one of them has to mean something to me. i had to choose today; myself, the man i waited for for two years, or my not so close friend ever since national service training program.

i read somewhere that a confused heart is so much harder to teach than a confused mind. the mind can simply aquire knowledge and validity in the data through books. but the heart is unteachable. it is the only stubborn thing in the body which, when targetted, goes to where there is hurt and which the heart hurts about something because it means something to the heart. mindlessly, i chose to use my heart in more than 100 ways. all were a failure.

this is by far my most uncomfortable experience ever and i regret ever entering this. but whenever i get out of this, i'm sure i will learn a thing or two. hopefully, it won't take long.