moving on

Chapter 12

Raymond’s car left from view. With my heart in his hands, he drove off unknowing what value he made. He made me realize what it took to be strong. He made me realize that I had to be weak, and that was my right.
The door kept open still. Leaves brought by the wind blew in. the moonlight brought a blue beaming cold aura. The breeze pierced through my thick long jacket. It gnawed on my feet under the boots. It shattered my soul. I entered the house like a phantom; unhappy and longing.
I closed the door behind me and continued walking. The stairs was only a few steps away. I saw light escaping from Andrew’s room only broken by his shadow. He was there, sitting idly on top of the stairs with his hands akimbo. His eyes disturbed me with their silence. The bruises in his soul were visibly seen. I ignored them.
“where have you been?” he asked coldly. His eyes didn’t blink or move. His body remained still.
“you know where I’ve been.” I replied. I stood there staring up at him. I was at the foot of the stairs, untouched by his light.
“no I don’t. answer me!” he screamed while he stood up and took a step closer to me.
“I was home Andrew.” I responded. He took another step nearer to me.
“do you know how worried I’ve been?” his face turned awry. His voice shook with every tone.
“Andrew. I’m so sorry” I said. His foot took a step back. He was shocked. It seemed like he did not understand what I just said.
“what?” he asked with his hand resting at the handle attached to the stairs.
“I’m sorry Andrew.” I repeated. He kept his silence. He took another step back and walked into his room. he made no sound. He showed no sign of forgiveness. He ignored me at the point when I needed him to pay attention. I didn’t understand him at all. I decided to follow him into his room where I found him near the window. His room was now filled with drawings on sheets of paper stuck to the wall by cellulose tape. His back faced me while his entire body sat on a chair facing the window. His desk had several sheets of paper, a few colored pens and an unorganized stack of comics. The floor creaked when I tried to enter his room.
He turned his head slightly side to his side and said “I never thought you’d be so weak.”
“i didn’t expect it either.” I replied.
“how could you just leave me like that chels?” he asked. I saw his cheeks turn pink with hurt.
“Chelsea. Why did you bother coming back?” he said while standing up and turning around to face me. I opened my mouth to explain, but he shut me out.
“you always leave people hanging Chelsea. I thought we were in this together.” He said. I couldn’t open my mouth to speak. I couldn’t look into the eyes of a disappointed brother. I took a step closer to him.
“try to understand Andrew. Even warriors need a place to rest.” I explained. His head hung low and raised them back up to me. I saw his pale skin fill with more pink.
“I know I had hurt you. I had to Andrew. You just had to stop depending on me. You just had to grow up.” I continued. He showed me no sign that he understood me.
“you left because you were a coward!” he screamed. He shocked me with his intensity.
“you had to make excuses!” he went on. My eyebrows crunched together in confusion. I ran to him and tried to lock him. He was screaming in my embrace and crying and threw his fist. He wrestled me into his bed where we both fell. But I didn’t let him go.
“you left me Chelsea!” he kept screaming.
“I’m sorry Andrew!” I whispered loudly. He didn’t stop his tantrum until I said, “Andrew. I’m your sister. And I love you. we’re still in this together. You’re the only one I have.”
He stopped moving. I could only hear his sad, pathetic moan of despair. He kept sobbing in my arms. He was weakened with this touch I had never showed him. He felt like he was decreasing his strength. I felt his heart getting softer.
“Andrew… I’m sorry.” I kept repeating. He kept crying and moaning underneath the embrace. His breath washed away the cold, bitterness set on us by every rock we stumbled on. His hardened skin became softer and his tears fell into his bed. That was when I let him go.
He stared into my eyes. He blinked them a couple of times along with his deep breath. His face was sad and confused. His eyes became heavier and heavier. Soon enough, he fell into a deep slumber. He breathed slower and his calm, normal self surfaced again.

I sat on his bed facing away from the distorted image of my brother. The night went on like I silent ghost, unseen and undisturbed. I didn’t see the night pass me by. Andrew was sleeping silently while I sat awake.
I didn’t know right then and there what laid ahead of me. I knew everyone wouldn’t care about me coming back to school. But facing everyone as a renewed person might change everything. Just almost instantly, jairus’ memory passed through me. That was when I knew exactly what to do.
I went back to my room. I flipped open the trunk full of memories. Inside were jairus’ t-shirt, his favorite cd’s and our pictures. I got a black trash bag from the kitchen drawers and dumped them all inside. Including the candles from the surprise birthday he set up for me the year before.
I just realized that I wanted to move on. And holding on to these memories will only keep me trapped in the past. I needed to let him go desperately.
His face on the pictures brought many wonderful memories. They built a story I could not forget. But he was right. He did the right thing for me and for him. Dawn was bound to make him happy.