eleven

Chapter eleven

The road was long and it was soon getting dark. We were closer and closer to home. I wasn’t anxious. I was excited about school again and I wanted to see Andrew. I guess I just needed a fresh mind to re-think my thoughts.

He took a left when we reached the crossing about a town before mine. It had been 3 hours long. It was a far drive. And with every moment passing, I felt my heart jumping for joy.
“we’re almost there” he said coldly. His eyes were squinting within the darkness. He was tired from driving. I didn’t answer him. He kept driving on, without a sound until he saw a gas station. It was marked at the right side of the road. I could see its yellow and red lines from far away. He turned on his light signals and turned right.
He pulled in and put the gas nozzle into the gas tank and he went to the store across the car. I looked behind me and saw his bag on the back seat. It was a green bag. The texture was rough and itchy. I opened the inside thinking there might have been some cassette to play instead of the radio. But no luck, I closed his bag after finding only his clothes.
It took about a few minutes when the gas stopped flowing and he came back from the store. He opened a bag of chips and started binging on it. His eyes were red and they looked tired. He slid the bag under his arm as he opened a can of soda. He closed his eyes as I saw him gulp down. His adam’s apple moved up and down as he drank every drop. After drinking, he licked his lips and crushed the can while walking to me. He threw the can at a trash can near the car.
He slid money to the gas boy who checked the car engine as soon as he did. He opened the car and put on his cap. He got another soda and put it in my hand and opened it for me. The bag of chips was near the hand brake. The gas boy closed the cover for the engine and showed us the way out. Raymond turned on the car and put the bag of chips on the dashboard and sped away.
“I don’t know how to say this…” he started. he took a deep, subtle breath and continued, “ but I’m so sorry.”
A tear ran across his face. But he kept his face straight and solid. He was like ice; cold and hard but… tasteless.
“ray… there’s nothing to be sorry about” I responded.
“no there is. You’re right. Thanks for telling me the truth.” He said. He sniffed his nose as he kept driving until he came to a red light.
“I’m sorry too ray.” I started. I held his hand tightly as they gripped the clutch. “I never meant to hurt you. I just didn’t expect us to get this far. I just didn’t think you had to know. I wanted to be with you ray. It was just that… I didn’t know how to deal with a guy who always got what he wanted when I’m the same.” I continued. He became pale but continued being hard.
“did we go too fast?” He said as if it had just then became a fact. He didn’t notice my eyes getting wet with hurt.
“no ray… we just didn’t work out.” I tried to tell him. He stopped talking after that. I know what he did was wrong. But I was so attached to him now, there was just no way of setting him free. He had me at my worst, he just deserved my best.

When he turned right after a few blocks from the gas station, we came to the suburbia where I lived. My house was still about a few blocks away. The trees were wrestling against each other within the darkness of the night. He drove on and on.
“ray… thanks for everything” I said while putting my hand on his back and gave him a pat.
He and I soon saw the mailbox of my house where he stopped to park the car. The house seemed dark and desolate except for a light in andrew’s room.
“we’re here” he said sadly. The car stopped its humming and turned to me. I could not find the courage to step outside. He unlocked the doors and I heard my door make a huge click. My empty can of soda in my hand became warm but my hand was cold.
“I don’t think I’m ready” I said while looking at the light from andrew’s room. I looked at Raymond. He smiled at me like it was alright.
“I’m here for you all the way.” He said. He took my hand and held it tightly.
“let me walk you to your door.” He got off his chair and stepped outside the car. He got my bag from the back and opened the door for me. He laid out his hand for him to catch me.
“ray. I’m not sure I can do this.” I said. My hands were shivering cold. I guess he felt it. I didn’t let go.
“lets go Chelsea. Andrew’s waiting for you.” he said. I stepped out with one foot at a time. I closed the car door behind me.

He kept holding my hand as he and I walked towards the door. He walked slower for me this time. When we arrived at the porch where he dropped the bag, he kept silent and let go of my hand. He stood there.
“this is it Chelsea.” He said. He knocked on the door three times. Nobody seemed to hear us from inside. He knocked again. still nobody heard us. I was so annoyed at either he was pretending to be blind or he wanted to prolong the agony of the chilly weather. I pointed to him the buzzer which was at the right side of the door. He pressed it for a few seconds until the lights came on. Somebody opened the door and I found Andrew.

“Andrew.” I called. He looked at me as if nothing happened.
“chelsea” he called back. He opened the door wider without any embrace. It seemed as though I wasn’t gone. My mind went. ”hey! I was gone you know!” but he was blank.
“Raymond.” He called. Raymond stared at me with a look of concern. He seemed to notice that nothing changed. We were both disturbed by the unwelcomed coldness between me and Andrew.
“Andrew. I’ve been gone. Is this the welcome home I get?” I asked. his eyebrow raised.
“are you getting inside or not?” he asked. I bent over to get the bag of clothes and Raymond stepped away.
“maybe I’ll catch up inside Andrew.” I said. He left the door open. He disappeared from our view as Raymond stood behind me.
“ray… this is me. So… thank you for everything.” I said. He took a step close and hugged me.
“I’m going to miss this hug” I said. He smiled at me. His face was only three inches away from me. I felt his warm breath against mine. I saw his eyes twinkle within the stillness of darkness around us. I was weakened by his closeness.
“don’t try and kiss me ray.” I warned. He made a little laugh.
“I can’t make you do things you don’t want to.” He returned. I wanted him to.
“what if I wanted to?” I asked, “but I just can’t let you.” I said. He stopped holding me and stepped away. He turned away from me and went to his car. The road lights went on and so did his car. He drove away that night bringing more than just a memory. And I thought for a moment, he would never bring with him a part of me.

A part of me left with Raymond that night. I could not understand why or how.